Mastering Transitions

Change can be a scary thing; some people will go to great lengths to avoid it. The truth is, we get comfortable where we are and the idea of change isn’t pleasant.  Whether you are moving schools, starting a new job, leaving a bad relationship, or moving to a new state, all transitions go through the three predictable stages.

 

Stage One: Resisting/Reacting
Characterized by doubt and discomfort as you are actively objecting and negatively comparing your new situation to your old. You're not looking, you're judging and it doesn't look good.

Stage Two: Adjusting/Exploring

Characterized by doing more than feeling. You're gathering information on how to make this work, making choices, making connections, asking questions, digging in.

Stage Three: Living Well in the New Old or the Old New

This is the stage you don't notice because it doesn't feel like a stage. You've arrived at your new destination. You're accepting and incorporating the new so much, you wouldn't have it any other way: The new is the (new) old.

While it would be nice to jump to the final stage, it doesn’t work that way. If you take the time to understand the stages that you will go through, you will avoid thinking in the beginning that you may have made a wrong move because you don’t feel okay about it.

Each person varies with the time it will take him or her to move through these stages. Everything will be alright in the end. So, if it is not alright, it is not yet the end.

It all comes  to the swimming pool analogy: When you first get into a pool, it doesn't feel good. It feels cold. You question briefly should I get out, or why did I get in, but then, anticipating what's ahead -- the refreshing feeling of floating weightlessly in water -- you hang in and are greatly rewarded. It feels good! Why? Did someone change the water, warm it up? No, we adjusted. So with change, we must be willing to feel that initial discomfort, ride it out and trust that we'll adjust. Here are some ideas to grease those wheels of change so they'll move a little bit more efficiently.

1. Don't Expect to Feel Fantastic at First: Expect the Opposite

• You didn't want to start kindergarten, then you didn't want to leave elementary school or middle school, you don't want to start college -- then it was the best time of your life and so on. So it is for adults. If you only think ahead on the unknown, you forget that you are a master at transitions. But even masters have to pay the piper. The way to be gracious (and cut down on your anguish) is not to expect that you'll have a seamless process, but actually expect the opposite. If you expect discomfort, like slowing down slightly before a familiar bump in the road, it won't send you flying when you hit it.

    2.  Fast Forward to the End and Put a Time Frame on the Adjustment

• How do you think things will really turn out? Counter your anxious predictions with the facts. And while you're at it, estimate how long you think it will take to settle into the new routine -- a week? A month? A few? Even if your estimate is off, just being able to foresee the end of the adjustment curve suggests that this is possible (and likely).

    3.  Don't Forget to Add Yourself to the Equation

• You may feel powerless against change, but you're in the picture, too. How did all those previous changes get worked through? You can be sure that you had something (a lot) to do with that. All the tools and experience that you bring to the situation are there for you.

    4.  What Changes, What Doesn't?

• We may think when we start a new job, relationship, or school year that everything is new and that we have to reinvent not only the wheel, but the whole shebang. Focus on the things that are really changing and enjoy or take stock of what is already in good working order in your life. Appreciating what doesn't need your attention may give you more energy to face head-on what does.

    5.  Don't Think, Do, and Do Small

• How do you feel about the transition? Chances are that if you wait for the motivation to feel better -- "I'll start doing x, once y is over," -- y doesn't come. Motivation follows behavior. As we see ourselves doing things, we feel more confident that we can. So don't just sit there, do something, but do something small. Take the big goal -- making friends at college, dating after a breakup, adjusting to a move -- and take it one call, one cup of coffee, one hello at a time. Build up from there