You can enter a room and find ways to entertain
the guests even though you rather avoid crowds. People are attracted to your
sense of humor and charm. You are the life of the party and appear to have your
act together. People would never guess that you are very insecure and fearful of
rejection. You experience difficulties managing your strong feelings of
frustration and anger. You enter relationships with persons that easily submit
to your viewpoints and demonstrate blind allegiance. Isn’t a relationship where
someone hangs to your every word, deed, a sustainable one? How long can a person
demonstrate unconditional acceptance to each of your thoughts, feelings, and
behaviors?
Many with this personality type grew up in
environments where emotional, physical, or sexual abuse was present. They were
made to feel unworthy of the love of a parent and many times turned to drugs or
alcohol to cope with feelings of rejection and insecurity. Like the
nurturer/sabotager, the charmer/attacker attempted to find acceptance through
peace-making behavior. Many times, he was not successful and found solace from
friends, drugs, music, and other moral relative themes. He learned his social
presentation from the media and social functions with peers. He found that drug
usage helped to alleviate his feelings of insecurity and fear when with
others.
Persons addicted to drugs or alcohol can possess
many of the personality traits of the charmer/attacker. The charmer/attacker
gains a sense of control by keeping relationships with others that
unconditionally accepting his behavior. Many times, a nurturer/sabotager is
attracted to this personality type due to charmer’s ability to utilize humor,
and charm to present to the nurturer that he or she is needed and valued. This
is not to say that the charmer/attacker does not need the nurturer. He is very
compatible with someone that will avoid conflict and ensure harmony in the
relationship.
The charmer/attacker usually does not remain
committed to one partner in a relationship. Due to drug abuse and/or the lack of
substance in his relationship, he is easily lured to one-night stands and other
high-risk activities. When these or any of his activities are challenged, he
will become aggressive and threatening in attempts to regain control of the
relationship. His feelings of insecurity and fear of rejection will be tapped,
which will contribute to his pathological responses of projecting blame and
making empty promises. His years of hurt and anger will surface in verbal, and
physical attacks. He will use intimidation and abusive tactics to deal with
relationship problems and force his partner to submit to his will. Initially, he
may use his charm and make promises to change his behavior. As his credibility
declines, he will revert to psychological and physical tactics to control the
relationship. Domestic violence is a common theme in this relationship.
The charmer/attacker is a person that takes from
the world to gratify his needs without considering the consequences of his
actions. Many anti-social (sociopath) characteristics can be found in this
personality type. The charmer wants to world to yield to his needs and performs
contrived acts of love and respect to attract others to give him what he wants.
He has not internalized the concepts of love, respect, and honesty due to his
egocentric views and constant pursuit of self-gratification. Remember, as a
child this person was rejected and had turned to other outlets for his needs. He
never developed the concept of morality other than what he learned from morally
relative themes. His destructive behavior usually continues until he suffers
severe life consequences such as incarceration, or near death experiences. The
charmer/attacker can be very skilled at presenting a caring and loving message
to others but only does so to get what he wants. He may initially reciprocate
positive virtuous behavior, but he will perform these virtues less and less as
the relationship goes forward.
In relation to challenging his behaviors, once he realizes that he no longer intimidates and his antics such as creative writing attempts are no longer effective or being scrutinized and experiences the negative consequences to physical altercations, he will disappear altogether. Many instances will find him sinking into a depression because he no longer has "complete" control over situations specifically those that bring the eye of public scrutiny on him. Further implosion will follow in that close family relationships that he was fortunate to maintain such as with a sister (enabler) will be damaged and communication cut off. He will remain in the background until such time he feels that the attention that his actions have brought has subsided. He creates the issues and consequences and in some cases the individuals that are caught and hurt in his deceit, delusions and drive to satisfy only himself stand ready to once again expose him for who he actually is for the remainder of his life. That is necessary when dealing with a sociopath and is his biggest fear. The only way to safeguard others is to inform. Backing down and "forgetting" is what he expects and anticipates so remove those words from your vocabulary while remembering that he is a coward that is dealing with childhood abuse by abusing and disregarding boundaries as an adult. One reaps what one sows.
You perfectly described my husband and helped me put all pieces of the puzzle together. I suffered debilitating years of anxiety and depression as consequence of my husband's (soon to be ex) behavior. I also learned that people with that kind of personality are called crazy makers. Their track history is dotted with deception and destruction.
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