12 Warning Signs That It’s Emotional Infidelity – And Not ‘Just Friendship’

When you think of cheating, most of you may think of your partner having sex with another person. What about emotional infidelity, is it as bad? Is it worse? These emotional affairs have been escalating for decades now and are a big problem in relationships because according to statistics approximately 80% of these platonic liaisons cross over into a sexual affair.

   If you are friends with someone, but your not sure if it is crossing the line or not, you may want to read further to find out the warning signs that you may be in an emotional affair.
There are at least 12 warning signs to alert you to take action to protect yourself and your relationship from ‘emotional infidelity.’

1. Thinking and saying you’re ‘just friends’ with opposite-sex.
    If you’ve been thinking or saying, “we’re just friends,” think again. If it’s a member of the opposite sex, you may be swimming in
     treacherous waters. The very words are dangerous to your marriage.

This rationale allows you to make excuses, or more plainly, to tell lies (to yourself and others) about something you know in your gut is wrong. Regardless how strongly TV and entertainment promote the idea of opposite-sex friendships (and this is part of the problem!) as not only ‘okay,’ but also ‘right’ to demand unconditional trust, in most cases, an intimate friendship with a member of the opposite-sex that you find interesting and attractive poses risks.

 2. Treating them as a confidant, sharing intimate issues.

    Sharing thoughts and deepest concerns, hopes and fears, passions and problems is what deepens intimacy; it builds an
     emotional bond between two people, time better used in marriage relationship. Giving this away to another person, regardless
     of the justification, is infidelity, a betrayal of trust. This is especially true when you consider that emotional intimacy is the most
     powerful bond in human relationships, much stronger than a sexual one.

3. Discussing troubling aspects of your marriage and partners.

   Talking or venting to a person of the opposite sex about what your marriage lacks, what your partner lacks, or what you’re not
    getting to make you happy sends a loud message that you’re available for someone else to ‘love and care’ for your needs. It’s
    also a breach of trust. And, like gossip, it creates a false sense of shared connection, and an illusion that you, your happiness,
    your comfort and needs are totally valued by this person (when, in truth, this has not been put to the test!). Statistics have
    shown that most cases will eventually reveal that this person was after one thing and one thing only...  SEX and once achieving
    their agenda will care less about your needs, comfort and feelings.  Is it worth damaging or destroying your life with a person
    you know is committed to you for the illusion being portrayed by someone who is proving by their contact with you to be
    untrustworthy? 

4. Comparing them verbally and mentally to your partner.

    Another danger sign is a thinking pattern that increasingly finds what is ‘positive’ and ‘just right’ about the friend and ‘negative’
     and ‘unfulfilling’ about the partner. This builds a case ‘for’ the friend and ‘against’ the partner. Another mental breach of trust,
     this unfairly builds a physiologically felt case ‘for’ the friend and ‘against’ the partner, forming mental images in the brain that
     associate pleasurable and painful sensations accordingly.  The "friend" is only allowing you to see the side that you have told
     them knowingly or unknowingly that you are longing for in your partner.  Everyone has baggage, some more than others.  Just
     think of the disappointment and embarrassment you will feel once you have thrown away your relationship with your partner
     only to find the "friend" to be far worse. 

 5. Obsessively thinking or daydreaming about the person.

If you find yourself looking forward to seeing the person, cannot wait to share news, think about what you’re going to tell them when you’re apart, and imagine their excitement, you’re in trouble. This sense of expectation, excitement, anticipation releases dopamine in reward centers of your brain, reinforcing toxic patterns. Obsessively thinking about the person is an obvious signal that something is wrong. After all, you don’t do this with your friends, right?  You shoul make every effort to be this way with your partner.  Anything or anyone that diverts your thoughts from your mate is something or someone that needs to removed from your life.  All they are is an illusion.  Nothing more. 

6. Believing this person ‘gets’ you like no other.

It always appears this way in affairs and romantic encounters at the start. It’s an illusion, and in the case of emotional infidelity, one that is dangerous to a marriage because the sense of mutual ‘understanding’ forms a bond that strengthens and deepens emotional intimacy, with the release of pleasurable neurochemicals, such as the love and safety hormone oxytocin. This focus also puts you in a ‘getting’ frame of mind. It means you are approaching your marriage in terms of what you’re getting or not getting, rather than what you’re contributing.  Again, you have either knowingly or unknowingly through conversation given the person a blueprint on what you want in life and what you want to hear.  Its a game to present to you the picture of complete understanding when really all they are working toward is getting your clothes off.  If you think the person "gets" you like no other, you need to wake up before they "get you" the way only your partner should!

7. Pulling out of regular activities with your partner, family, work.

Being absorbed with desire to spend more and more time talking, sharing, being with the person, it’s only natural to begin to resent time you spend on responsibilities and activities at home (and work?). As a result, you begin to pull away, turn down, or make excuses for not joining regular activities with your partner and family. Family members notice you are withdrawn, irritable and unhappy.  Its not that you are unhappy with your partner or your life, your unhappy with yourself and running to a relationship with someone else will not change that especially when you find out the mistake you have made and the mess you created.

8. Keeping what you do secret and covering up your trail.

Secrecy itself is a warning sign. It creates a distinct closeness between two people, and at the same time grows the distance between them and others. Secrets create a special bond, most often an unhealthy one. For example, there may be a false sense of emotional safety and trust with the person, and an unwarranted mistrust and suspicion of the partner, or those who try to interfere with the ‘friendship.’  Stop and think about how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and your partner was keeping secrets from you.  Would you be hurt?  Would you stop trusting your partner?  Would your lack of trust be justified?  If you are keeping secrets with someone else and not your partner then you are proving to be untrustworthy as a person.  Do you like being emotionally hurt?  Do you like hurting people that love you and have committed to you? 

 9. Keeping a growing list of reasons that justify your behaviors.

This involves an addictive pattern of thinking that focuses your attention on how unhappy you are, why you’re unhappy, and blames your partner and marriage for all aspects of your unhappiness. It builds a dangerous sense of entitlement and forms a pool of resentment from which you feel justified to mistreat your partner or do what you need to increase your happiness without considering the consequences.

10. Fantasizing about a love or sexual relationship with the person.

At some point, one or both persons begin to fantasize about having a love or sexual relationship with the other. They may begin to have discussions about this, which adds to the intensity, the intrigue and the intoxicating addictive releases of neurochemicals that make the pattern more entrenched.  Statistics have shown that the majority that fantasize about a person are completely disappointed following realizing the fantasy in real life.  Its nor worth the wedge that it drives between you and your partner.  STOP!

11. Giving or receiving personal gifts from the person.

Another flag is when the obsession affects your buying behaviors, so that you begin to think about this person when you are shopping, wondering what they like or would show your appreciation. The gift choices are something intimate items that you would not give ‘just’ a friend. Gifts send clear messages that the two of you are a ‘close we’ set apart from others, and that the relationship is ‘special.’

 12. Planning to spend time alone together or letting it happen.

This is the warning sign that, when not heeded, most often pushes partners to cross the line from a platonic to a sexual relationship. Despite good intentions and promises to one another that they would not let ‘anything’ happen, it’s a set up, a matter of time, when opposite-sex friends flirt with the availability of time alone.  In itself will bring the end and the accompanying shame, embarrassment and hurt that comes with it.

If you find yourself doing some of the above actions, you should pull back quickly and reevaluate your situation before you ruin your marriage.