What happens when a spouses are dishonest? Truth is, certain lies can damage your relationship, even if they seem harmless or even necessary to protect the marriage. If you're lying to your spouse to save yourself from a well-deserved confrontation, then you're doing a disservice to your marriage.
"Even lies about affairs are intended to protect the relationship," writes Zentman. "But lies of this magnitude do far more harm than good." Your spouse has the right to know if you've begun a relationship with someone else. Besides having broken your vows, having an emotional or physical affair is usually an indicator of other problems to which you need to tend. Although an affair could end your marriage, a prolonged lie about it will only make matters worse. No one likes to feel foolish or disrespected.
When we tell lies we hold secrets from the ones we love. We might even think we are protecting them from something that will hurt them. We figure in our mind that not telling them is probably better. Telling them would cause them pain and we don’t want to hurt them because we really care about their feelings. Or maybe we’re just afraid of what will happen to us if we tell the truth about something difficult. Maybe we’re worried that we will be in trouble and people will get angry with us.
Not telling the truth takes skill, and thought. The person telling the lie has to think about making up a story where all the pieces are plausible. They have to make sure there are no holes an insightful person could see through. It can be stressful on the lie teller. He or she also has to remember the lie, and the details, and not forget what order he or she put them in. That’s stressful too.
So that’s one side, the person telling the lie. But what about the person who is lied to? What happens there?
The one who is told the lie may feel angry, betrayed and ridiculed, like they’ve been made a fool of. It can be belittling and drive one crazy. Some people believe that a lie, no matter how small, is a broken trust. Many people believe that trust is one of the cornerstones in a relationship and when trust is broken they are shaken to the core because what they had believed about their relationship as fundamental is now crumbling underneath them. They believed there would be truth between each other. When there is a lie, that truth becomes a joke.
So how do couples heal when there are lies that sit between them?
First, each person deserves to explain and have the other person listen to his and her feelings. It feels terrible to have been lied to. It feels terrible to hold secrets and lie to your partner. Both positions need understanding and compassion. The one who lied has to become aware of the pain he or she caused the other. That doesn’t mean you have to fall on your sword and grovel for the next year. The liars’ job is to realize that his or her actions caused pain. Once they realize this then he or she should begin to cultivate compassion for their mate by understanding the hurt they caused. An apology is part of healing, but it’s more than saying I’m sorry. Without understanding the depth of the injury; the loss of trust, the embarrassment and the anger, an apology can feel meaningless.
When the injured is heard he or she can feel validated by the partner because the partner really gets the pain he or she caused. At that time the injured person may want to try and understand what led the partner to tell the lie in the first place. They may discover that the partner was trying to protect them, only the lie turned out to be a clumsy attempt.
What can develop is true communication, connection between the couple. Lies are an indication that there’s room for improvement. In most cases when there is a lie people react by turning away from their partner. It’s natural to protect yourself when hurt. But turning toward your partner with understanding and compassion could just bring you exactly what you are after… real closeness and truth.
Remember: "An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips." (Proverbs 24:26)
KEEPING OR REGAINING TRUST:
- Beware of these statements, “He is” -or- “she is” -or- “I am” a very private person.” PRIVACY CAN VERY EASILY LEAD TO BEHAVIOR THAT GIVES INTO DARKNESS. (See: Proverbs 4:19, 2 Samuel 22:29; Psalm 112:4; Matthew 6:23; Luke 11:34-36; John 3:19-21; Romans 1:21; 2 Corinthians 4:6; 2 Corinthians 6:14; Ephesians 4:17-18 and Ephesians 5:8-14; 1 Peter 2:9; 1 John 1:5-7; 1 John 2:9-11). Privacy can easily lead into secrecy. And secrecy leads to all kinds of trouble because it’s not exposed to “the light.”
- Being a “very private person” can be especially dangerous in a marriage. When we give the vow to enter into a marital relationship, we give up the right to our privacy— especially when that privacy can have a negative effect the life of our spouse. Be careful of the statement, “what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him” because often it will. Follow the Lord’s leading in this issue. Keep in mind that in marriage, God wants to take the “two of us and make us one.” The enemy of our faith wants to take the “oneness of us” and make us into two.
- “The killer of love is creeping separateness. It’s taking love for granted, especially after marriage. It’s ceasing to do things together— finding separate interests. It’s ‘we’ turning into ‘I.’ The modern world, especially in the cities favors it with the man going off to his office; and the woman staying home with the children — or perhaps having a different job. The failure of love might seem to be caused by hate or boredom or unfaithfulness with a lover; but those were results. First came the creeping separateness: the failure behind the failure.” (Sheldon Vanauken and Cindy Wright)
• Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean. “But speaking the truth in love, may [we] grow up in all things into Him who is the head —CHRIST.” (Ephesians 4:15 NKJ)
• The enemy of our faith tries to divide us because he knows that “united we stand, divided we fall.” He fans the flames of rivalry and pride. How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity!” (Psalm 133:1)
• What are you feeding in your marriage? Are you making a conscientious effort to feed your love, and commitment to your spouse, or are you feeding your doubts, dissatisfaction and self-absorption? If you don’t make a point of feeding your love and commitment, then it’s easy for doubts and dissatisfaction to slide into your way of perceiving your spouse without even realizing it.
Life today naturally pulls us away from each other. The hectic busyness of the way we’re living takes its toll on the marital relationship because without making the time to nurture our love for one another, unmet relational needs have a way of negatively ambushing our feelings of love for one another. Do you spend your time focusing on the negative or on the positive aspects of your spouse?
The Bible tells us in Philippians 4:8-9: “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable —if anything is excellent or praiseworthy —think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me —put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” (Cindy Wright)
• My prayer for marriages: “May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.” (John 17:23) This is also an example of how God wants us to function. Just as God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit are separate individuals within the Godhead, yet they are one in purpose. In marriage the husband and wife are different individuals and yet they are to be one in purpose.
It says in 1 Corinthians 13:7 that love “always protects.” That doesn’t mean love enables, covers over, or makes secret those things that should be brought to the light. (Giving “protecting love” is being very careful and prayerful of when, where, and with whom, we share “personal” details of our married life that need extra help and wise counsel.) To truly love our spouse is to protect them by showing honor and respect for their feelings— not revealing or doing anything that will embarrass or “cut them down.” By doing so, we’re dishonoring them and showing that we don’t value them.
2 Corinthians 4:1-2
Since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God.
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