THE INTERNET AS A SOCIOPATHS PLAYGROUND

Do you know how to tell if a man is a sociopath? And do you know which women are the most likely targets of sociopaths?
Married women or just newly divorced are preferred targets for sociopaths. The age of technology we live in makes it difficult to discern initially due to just a computer screen in front of you.  Over time however, all sociopaths are easily identified.  Many marriages are put at risk due to their predatory practices. 
* Essentially, a sociopath will glibly lie, charm and use others, without a moment's remorse over hurting anyone.
* They're often, but not always, more charismatic, charming than the average person.
* Sociopaths can feign every kind of emotion; yet they know only "feral" [wild, savage, deadly] pleasures.
* Sociopaths find rewards in the hunt.
* Their joys are in conquest and in winning.
* They know how to manipulate love and lust but can not feel either love or empathy.
* They have a Grandiose Sense of Self. They feel entitled to certain things as "their right."
* Shallow Emotions are all they have! When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. They are outraged by insignificant matters, yet remain unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person.
*Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises!
* Highly Manipulative and Conning.  They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible.
*They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used.
*Their goal is to dominate and humiliate their victims.

Using the official diagnostic version from The DSM-IV-TR and The American Journal of Psychiatry (diagnostic manuals) and my own training and experience, here's some help in understanding the sociopath.
Antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of regard for the moral or legal standards in the local culture. There is a marked inability to get along with others or abide by societal rules. Individuals with this disorder are sometimes called psychopaths or sociopaths.

Diagnostic Criteria (DSM-IV)

1. Since the age of fifteen there has been a disregard for and violation of the right's of others, those right's considered normal by the local culture, as indicated by at least three of the following:
A. Repeated acts that could lead to arrest.
B. Conning for pleasure or profit, repeated lying, or the use of aliases.
C. Failure to plan ahead or being impulsive.
D. Repeated assaults on others.
E. Reckless when it comes to their or others safety.
F. Poor work behavior or failure to honor financial obligations.
G. Rationalizing the pain they inflict on others.

2. At least eighteen years in age.

3. Evidence of a Conduct Disorder, with its onset before the age of fifteen.

4. Symptoms not due to another mental disorder. 

These people are mentally ill and extremely dangerous! The following precautions will help to protect you from the destructive acts of which they are capable.

First, to recognize them, keep the following guidelines in mind.

(1) They are habitual liars. They seem incapable of either knowing or telling the truth about anything.

(2) They are egotistical to the point of narcissism. They really believe they are set apart from the rest of humanity by some special grace.

(3) They scapegoat; they are incapable of either having the insight or willingness to accept responsibility for anything they do. Whatever the problem, it is always someone else's fault. -there's not a hint of remorse in his behavior, attitude, or conversation. As a matter of interest, this particular person talks like he has been victimized.
by everyone in his life!

(4) They are remorselessly vindictive when thwarted or exposed.

(5) Genuine religious, moral, or other values play no part in their lives. They have no empathy for others and are capable of violence. Under older psychological terminology, they fall into the category of psychopath or sociopath, but unlike the typical psychopath, their behavior is masked by a superficial social facade.

If you have come into conflict with such a person or persons, do the following immediately!

(1) Notify your friends and relatives of what has happened.

Do not be vague. Name names, and specify dates and circumstances. Identify witnesses if possible and provide supporting documentation if any is available.

(2) Inform the police. The police will do nothing with this information except to keep it on file, since they are powerless to act until a crime has been committed. Unfortunately, that often is usually too late for the victim. Nevertheless, place the information in their hands.

Obviously, if you are assaulted or threatened before witnesses, you can get a restraining order, but those are palliative at best.   If you'd like to learn more about the traits of sociopaths, written in simple layman language, I recommend The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout, PhD (a psychotherapist with a knack for writing great books).
Dr. Stout says that as many as 4% of the population are conscienceless sociopaths who have no empathy or affectionate feelings for humans or animals. [Other sources say one in 5 of our population are sociopaths.] As Dr. Stout (The Myth of Sanity) explains, a sociopath is defined as someone who displays at least three of fifteen distinguishing characteristics, such as
* deceitfulness, * impulsivity and * a lack of remorse.
With the above stated, it is best to avoid the development of any relationship online either with a stranger or old acquaintence especially if you are married.  One example that comes to mind is a married woman finds an old acquantence on Facebook, they chat back and forth, he(being a sociopath as evidenced through meeting all the criteria) begins manipulating the communication.  As time passes the woman's husband finds out about the emotional affair (hadnt progressed to face to face meeting so nothing physical occurred).  The woman breaks off contact.  She receives a strange and harrassing text message a couple of months later which prompted her to contact the sociopath during such time he of course denies sending the text(he is a known pathological liar) and then begins rambling on about how his son was "busted for selling drugs" and he didnt know what he was going to do.  He then mentions that he(the man, not the son) had many, many past hospitalizations due to psychiatric issues over the course of his life (Dorothea Dix Hospital as well as others).  This is something the woman didn't know in the beginning and she admittedly would have never communicated with him had she known the degree of his mental illness.  This man had all the warning signs of a sociopath:  grandiose sense of self, pathological lying, Lack of remorse, shame and guilt(long legal history to include assault on a female), shallow, need for stimulation(very promiscuous, lack of empathy(stated he never looked for trouble but trouble always seemed to find him and even believes that he was doing nothing wrong trying to break up a marriage), poor behavior controls(legal history), early behavior problems/Juvenile deliquency(his legal issues and alcohol abuse began in his teens), Irresponsible and unreliable(chose to allow his children to grow up without his presence), Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic lifestyle(claims income from disability received due to an injury-(more like disability due to his mental issues) and owns no home, goes from place to place of those that will allow him to stay although his relationship with his family is nonexistent.), and he has a criminal versatility-(he hides behind alias and tells ficticious life stories like being in movies- proved to be made up in no record of participation as an actor, extra or set employee of the movies he named).  This is just an example of how a sociopath operates and if not detected, the damage they can cause to a relationship can be devastating.  His life is built entirely on lies and manipulation and had the truth not been discovered and an end put it, lives would have been destroyed and even lost all because of the safe haven of the internet, text messages, etc.  Its best to avoid or at minimum perform a criminal background check since no person, especially a sociopath will freely tell of their history and even if they do, the sociopath, will claim to be the victim.  Many women find out way too late so be cautious and avoid becoming a true victim yourself.

STEPS TO REGAINING TRUST

How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Emotional and/or Physical Affair

The discovery of marital infidelity, simply put, is an "extremely devastating experience." Marital infidelity can be many things: sexual involvement with another person, secret Internet relationships, or the secret exchange of e-mails, text messages and phone conversations. It may involve a friend, acquaintance, or a complete stranger. Whether the extra-marital cheating is a passionate sexual affair or an emotional affair, it will greatly undermine the trust in your marriage. Even though many marriages can recover from such deceit and betrayal, sometimes the damage done is simply too great to overcome.

The speed and degree of recovery is usually dictated by the behavior and actions of the spouse who cheated. They are, after all, the one who brought an outsider into the marital union. However, the unfaithful spouse often has no idea what to do, or how to behave, in order to help rebuild trust in the relationship. These steps will help those who are serious about healing their marriage.

·         STOP LYING. Stop lying or making excuses for your actions. If the betrayed partner presents evidence of the lie, betrayal or inappropriate action, own up to it. You need to understand that the worst thing that could happen has already occurred. You were dishonest and betrayed your partner's trust. Therefore, continuing to lie, twist, hide, or deny is simply adding insult to injury. If you are looking your partner in the eye and claiming to want the relationship to work then you cannot continue to lie about various odds and ends. You lied to your partner for the entire duration of the betrayal; therefore, if you continue to lie now, it sets the reconciliation process way back. The betrayed partner likely knows the answers to the questions they are asking, or can usually find out, so if you are interested in rebuilding trust in the relationship, STOP LYING. If your partner discovers later - either on purpose or by accident - that you have lied about or left out salient details, they will likely never trust you again. (Moreover, you deny yourself the opportunity to be someone whom they SHOULD trust.) Your only hope of regaining their trust is to give them the truth wholesale, and thus demonstrate your commitment to being honest with them, even about things that might hurt them. You are kidding yourself if you think you are protecting your partner by "omitting" certain truths. If you had wanted to protect your partner, you never would have betrayed them in the first place. Keep in mind that unlearning dishonesty may be unexpectedly complex for you, in that it has likely become somewhat automatic -- you may have used it for so long to sidestep conflict and responsibility that you have become very good at justifying it. Taking up the challenge of honesty at all levels is the only way to rebuild your relationship and the only way to reclaim your own integrity.

·         Be around. While emotional availability in the days, weeks, and even months following the discovery of a betrayal is of the utmost importance, keep in mind that you can only be emotionally available when you're around. Understand that, left alone, your partner's thoughts will begin to eat away at them - they will have questions you are not there to answer, torment themselves with ideas you cannot dispel, and invent suspicions your absence will only worsen. Paranoia is only natural during this time; in fact, it can hardly be called paranoia, as they are right to mistrust you; you have betrayed them deeply. Being around to answer their questions and soothe their thoughts will keep them from building up and causing future explosions down the road. If it is possible, this may be a good time to take some time away from your normal "alone" activities to spend with your partner. If you can't be with them physically, keep your phone on whenever possible to answer their calls, and allow them as much access to you as they need. Depending on your partner's temperament, you may need to respect their desire for time alone, but you need to keep yourself available to them.

·         DO NOT get defensive or assign blame. This is not the time to employ the old adage of “the best defense is a good offense.” This is the time to be contrite/regretful, remorseful, empathetic, compassionate, honest, and emotionally available. Do not say anything which will give the impression that the betrayed partner was responsible for your lies to them or in any way caused your behavior. There will be plenty of time to share blame during times of productive conversation with your mate or in counseling sessions. It may be that there were significant problems in the relationship prior to your betrayal, and that those problems were 50% (or 60% or 70%) the responsibility of your spouse. Nevertheless, the fact that you chose to betray your spouse rather than to raise the issues and work on them in an honest way is 100% your fault. Therefore, DO NOT waste time blaming your actions on anyone or anything else. DO NOT point the finger toward temptation, confusion, being under the influence, or falling prey to the influence of others. You should have no room for excuses anymore. Telling your partner you did not realize what was happening is not only bogus, it devalues them. The partner will see right through these excuses and will view this as another attempt to keep them in the dark while you continue playing them for a fool. The best way to effectively deal with your partner's anger, and start the process of rebuilding trust, is to take complete and full ownership of your own selfishness, immaturity, or basic destructive relationship behavior. Remind yourself that it is quite possible that your partner was enduring similar feelings of unhappiness or frustration during the relationship, but instead made a decision not to lie to you or betray you.

·         Treat your partner as if they are the very center of your world. While you should do this anyway, it is of monumental importance that you focus on this IMMEDIATELY following the incident, injury, lie or betrayal. This is a critical time in the recovery of your relationship; dedicate yourself to it. Being abused or betrayed will make your partner feel rejected, unimportant, and decidedly less than "special." Regardless of your reasons or given situation, your partner will be under the rightful impression that you do not truly love them, which is a difficult thing for them to face after years of thinking they were the most important person in your life. Giving your partner your full attention during this time will help them to regain the feelings of importance in your life, and will go a long way towards convincing them that you are unlikely to hurt or betray them again. If you can, also show and tell to other people how much you care or love your partner in order to help them overcome all the humiliation and hurt this burden may have caused.

·         Your life MUST be an open book. You no longer have the luxury of coming and going as you please. Once you have abused that privilege, it takes a while and a whole lot of effort to get it back. Do not protest these measures based on your accumulated good behavior prior to "your mistake" -- that period of good behavior was in effect, after all, when you WERE actively cheating and lying, so it is no proof of anything. Therefore, if you will be late coming home from work, or have had a change in plans, inform your partner. Every time you leave the house your partner is now wondering if you are going where you say you are going. The best way to ease their insecurities is to check in throughout the day. Invite your partner places you usually go alone like to the game, the gym or the mall. Let your partner know that you have nothing to hide. Additionally, do not hide your cell phone or set the ringer on silent. If your partner requests, give them your email and voice mail pass codes. In fact, if you have nothing to hide, then offer your partner the codes without them having to ask. Don't lock your cell phone, call log or address book, and don't clear internet browsing history. Offer to let your partner see any and all of your mail, including your phone bills, and keep the credit card or bank statements in plain view on the kitchen table. Although your partner may never choose to check these things, the simple fact that you made them available for his/her perusal will be a HUGE step in regaining their trust. In fact, the more openness you demonstrate, the less urgency your spouse will feel to check in on your activities -- and that need may eventually disappear with successful rebuilding of the relationship. Although you may feel as though some of these are a violation of your privacy, you need to know that these steps are absolutely NECESSARY if you are trying to rebuild trust. Saying that you are on the straight and narrow while insisting on your right to continue to hide things is counterproductive to your stated goal of wanting to rebuild your relationship.

·         Be prepared to answer questions. It is extremely difficult for a betrayed spouse to know that there is another man/woman in the world who has more information about their marriage then themselves. Your partner is going to want lots of details and ask questions about things you may not want to answer, but too bad. Your partner is going to cross reference your prior stories and ask you to confirm if “this” or “that” was a lie. She/he is grappling with the truth about all those little things that did not add up while you were lying, and if you "gaslighted" your spouse during that time (allowed them or encouraged them to believe that they were imagining things), this is another injury that they will need to heal from. You simply need to fess up. The worse thing you can do is to conceal information because you don't want to hurt your partner. Remember, they have already been hurt beyond belief, so continuing to withhold additional information gives the appearance of an attempt to continue the deception. Therefore, asking multiple questions helps the betrayed partner get up to speed, thus obtaining necessary information to deal with feelings of being in the dark while their partner was trying to hide things from them.

·         Do not ever attempt to dictate the length of time the betrayed partner's recovery should take. You are the one who brought mistrust into the relationship, and therefore, you are in no position to dictate when the betrayed partner should be “over it”. The distress, suspiciousness, and distrust that follow the discovery of a betrayal are natural and appropriate in the case of a traumatic disruption such as this. Remember that, even though your relationship may have needed work before the betrayal, your spouse's reality was just ripped away from her/him by the one person they thought they could trust above all others. Not only is the intimate nature of infidelity extremely painful, the experience of being subjected to overt, repeated lies is emotionally destructive. On top of it all, in the midst of this crisis, your spouse has lost the person to whom they could have turned to for support in the past: you, or at least the "you" that they thought they knew. It will likely take a while to fully heal. Your relationship with your spouse during this time is not necessarily an indicator of how it will be from now on. Anticipate that your spouse will be on a roller coaster of emotions. Mood changes, sleep and appetite disruption, health declines, and sudden tears or withdrawal are natural. They will be alright today and devastated again tomorrow. Just know that they also want to get rid of all the pain and hurt too as soon as possible. In time, with full honesty and emotional openness, you can begin to recover your relationship's equilibrium. The truth of the matter is, your partner may never fully be “over it”, but may still learn how to mentally move past the lies, or abuse. When a person is hurting, they typically share their pain with the closest person to them. As their partner, you are the one they need to vent to, even though it is you that caused the pain. Additionally, you may feel as though since you've confessed, apologized and vowed to remain honest and good, things should now return to normal. That is simply NOT the case. One of the worst things that can happen is for you to begin acting as though its “business as usual”. Deciding to remain in a relationship after your partner has betrayed your trust, or hurt you is a Major decision and one which can be both very humiliating and enormously stressful. DO NOT downplay the GREAT MAGNITUDE of that decision by behaving as though nothing happened. For the next few years, you should make an effort to periodically wrap your arms around your partner, kiss them, and THANK them for opening the door to your reconciliation. Additionally, 'acknowledge' how much the betrayal hurt your partner, how difficult it must be to move past it, and vow to do whatever necessary to make things better…forever. Although it may seem to you as though such actions will only revive the pain, that is simply not the case. The betrayal is already with your partner every day. Acknowledging the degree of pain you put your partner through, and expressing appreciation for another chance gives the betrayed partner the impression that you not only are mindful of their pain, but that as long as you are aware of their struggle to overcome the ordeal, you will be less likely to make such awful choices again in the future.

·         Choose your battles wisely. Keep in mind that now is not necessarily the time to pick fights over certain topics, particularly those related to privacy and possessiveness. Your partner is feeling betrayed and frightened; it is only natural for them in this state to project those fears onto situations that bear (in their mind) any resemblance to past events of hurt and betrayal. You have shaken their feelings of security in the relationship and in the world, and it is openness and understanding that will gain this back, not combativeness and arguments. Rather than angrily asserting your rights, you will do much better to gain their trust by assuring them of their importance to you and soothing their bruised ego and wounded heart with compliments and understanding.

·         Do not behave inappropriately or create future problems. Don't put yourself in situations which will cause your partner undue stress. Putting your friends before your partner, spending time with friends or co-workers of opposite sex, commenting on the attractiveness of other people, or forming new relationships soon after a betrayal or hurtful event is not wise. It is extremely selfish and disrespectful to your partner. During the time when rebuilding trust is of utmost importance, putting other people or activities before your partner will only deepen the mistrust and feelings of resentment. Furthermore, it will set back the progress of healing and is like "starting over" in their mind. Attempting to secretly spend time with others is even worse. It won't hurt your spouse to know that another man/woman is contacting you as much as it will devastate them to discover you are again hiding information. Believe me, during this time of broken trust, full disclosure is always the best route.

·         Use this opportunity to create a new relationship with your partner and with yourself. Be open to opportunities to deepen honesty, to live out your values and ideals in public and private, and to bring each other closer together. Your partner may now view you as a stranger and your relationship as broken, and they're right to think so. You may even feel like a stranger to yourself as you reflect on your choices to engage in behaviors that you are not proud of, and your reliance upon deception and secrecy to hide them. Fight to REALLY live as the partner and the human being that you want to be. The key is to forge a new relationship in as many ways as possible. Not only will this approach help you and your spouse address the betrayal (and other issues as well), many couples who succeed in this effort frequently describe their relationship afterward as more fulfilling and joyful than at any time in their lives. Finding new places to spend time and share activities together can help this. Make sure that he or she and everyone around you (i.e.family, friends, children) can see that your partner means the world to you and is NOW being put first in your life. Speak highly of your partner in a genuine way, being careful to protect their reputation when you speak to others--talking badly about them behind their backs is not only a BIG MISTAKE but also BAD BEHAVIOR (it may also reflect badly on you as their partner). You and your partner (and your children, if you have them) are one family that must protect, support, and lift each other up all the time. This may even be an opportunity, in the fullness of time and once the recovery process is well on its way, to renew your wedding vows if you are married. Work with your partner to create something new, stronger,and more open and honest -- and therefore not threatened by the mistakes of the past or the possibility of future betrayals.

Edit Tips

• Also, schedule an appointment with a good counselor as soon as possible, so the two of you can discuss your problems with an experienced counselor who can help you both repair the marriage.
• Remember that the days and weeks immediately following the discovery of the affair are of vital importance, and your actions during this time will greatly determine the speed of your recovery. If your spouse feels supported, loved, respected, and safe discussing his/her feelings during this time, your chances of recovery will be greatly improved. If, on the other hand, your spouse feels alone, ignored, and in the dark, it will be much more difficult to reestablish their trust later.
• If your spouse asks you to do something for them to help them recover from the affair (such as read this article, if they have indeed posted it on the fridge), do it right away. Do not make them ask twice. Putting off such things only communicates to your spouse that their feelings are unimportant to you, and that you lack the proper remorse for what you've done. Nothing should be more important to you right now than helping your spouse recover from this. You caused this pain and should be doing everything in your power to make it up to him/her.
• One important factor to keep in mind is that, even though your spouse will ask you to compare them to the other man/woman (was she prettier/sexier, etc), they are also interested in knowing how they are better than the other person, even if they don't directly ask. In fact, many of these questions are disguised opportunities for you to tell them so. In other words, balance something good about the other person with something you liked better about your spouse.
• Pay close attention to your spouse. Your spouse has (probably) never been through this before, and may be too distraught to articulate what s/he needs. It is, in part, your responsibility to try to predict/account for these needs. Whenever possible, avoid making your spouse ask you for things they need from you during this time; doing so puts them in a weak position, and they're already weak enough. Remember: just because they're not bringing it up, doesn't mean it's not on their mind. Be as proactive as possible. Ask them if they are eating, sleeping, drinking water and if they are okay. These things may seem like the basic things in life however your spouse is in a traumatic state and will most likely not be functioning normally.
• Be on the lookout for seemingly unrelated discussions that may be projections of this issue. Keep in mind that although you may be arguing passionately about who last did the dishes, you may actually be arguing about the affair in some tangential way though this should be discussed in a counseling session to be sure(i.e. how much time you dedicated to the relationship outside of your marriage). It is sometimes difficult to tell what factors will trigger your spouse's thoughts about the affair - in fact, your spouse may not even realize that they are projecting these issues onto seemingly day-to-day arguments. A good rule of thumb is to assume that any argument in which your spouse seems unduly angry about a seemingly small thing may fall into this category. If this happens, it's unwise to simply back down, as doing so may establish a submissive pattern you will regret later. However, keep in mind that your partner is in an 'unpredictable and tumultuous emotional state', and be as understanding as you can.
• Remember that the paranoia, anger, and distrust that follow the discovery of an affair are all natural, and may take a while to fully heal. Your relationship with your spouse during this time is not necessarily an indicator of how it will be from now on. Anticipate that the victim spouse will be in roller coaster of emotions. Mood changes in them are natural. They will be alright today and devastated again tomorrow. Just know that they also want to get rid of all the pain and hurt too as soon as possible. In time, with full honesty and emotional openness, you will begin to recover your relationship's equilibrium. *Be grateful. Your spouse is deciding to remain with you after your betrayal. No matter how angry, petty, or unpredictable they get, they have shown a great love for you and, in many cases, a great strength of character in choosing to try to trust you again. Give this decision, and your partner, the deserved respect and gratitude.
• Your spouse may need closure through seeing the "break-up" email or listening to you tell the other person that things are done. Your spouse wants to hear or see you tell the other person that your marriage, family, and they themselves are important. If you don't want to put the other person "through that" consider how much they, through their affair with you, have put your spouse through. The other person had the luxury of knowing they were becoming involved with a married person - your spouse didn't know or get to to make any decisions if this is someone you work with remember it is very hard for your spouse to start to trust you knowing you see this person on a day to day basis. You need to do what it takes to remove yourself from this. Where are your priorities: at work or your marriage? If you don't offer closure there will never be any. If something is more important than your marriage then you need to relay this to your spouse and not lead them along to only hurt them in the future. Your spouse does not need to consider the feelings of the other person. They know that person had no consideration of their feelings. Giving your spouse closure will go a long, long way in improving their emotions and in helping them heal. If they never hear or see you tell the other person things are over, they may never fully believe or process that you have. If your spouse wants this, it is very important to let them have it, even if it is an embarrassment for you to do so.

REGAINING TRUST

"Trust the instinct to the end, though you can render no reason" Ralph Waldo Emerson

What happens when a spouses are dishonest?  Truth is, certain lies can damage your relationship, even if they seem harmless or even necessary to protect the marriage. If you're lying to your spouse to save yourself from a well-deserved confrontation, then you're doing a disservice to your marriage.
"Even lies about affairs are intended to protect the relationship," writes Zentman. "But lies of this magnitude do far more harm than good."  Your spouse has the right to know if you've begun a relationship with someone else. Besides having broken your vows, having an emotional or physical affair is usually an indicator of other problems to which you need to tend. Although an affair could end your marriage, a prolonged lie about it will only make matters worse. No one likes to feel foolish or disrespected. 
When we tell lies we hold secrets from the ones we love. We might even think we are protecting them from something that will hurt them. We figure in our mind that not telling them is probably better. Telling them would cause them pain and we don’t want to hurt them because we really care about their feelings. Or maybe we’re just afraid of what will happen to us if we tell the truth about something difficult. Maybe we’re worried that we will be in trouble and people will get angry with us.
Not telling the truth takes skill, and thought. The person telling the lie has to think about making up a story where all the pieces are plausible. They have to make sure there are no holes an insightful person could see through. It can be stressful on the lie teller. He or she also has to remember the lie, and the details, and not forget what order he or she put them in. That’s stressful too.
So that’s one side, the person telling the lie. But what about the person who is lied to? What happens there?
The one who is told the lie may feel angry, betrayed and ridiculed, like they’ve been made a fool of. It can be belittling and drive one crazy. Some people believe that a lie, no matter how small, is a broken trust. Many people believe that trust is one of the cornerstones in a relationship and when trust is broken they are shaken to the core because what they had believed about their relationship as fundamental is now crumbling underneath them. They believed there would be truth between each other. When there is a lie, that truth becomes a joke.
So how do couples heal when there are lies that sit between them?
First, each person deserves to explain and have the other person listen to his and her feelings. It feels terrible to have been lied to. It feels terrible to hold secrets and lie to your partner. Both positions need understanding and compassion. The one who lied has to become aware of the pain he or she caused the other. That doesn’t mean you have to fall on your sword and grovel for the next year. The liars’ job is to realize that his or her actions caused pain. Once they realize this then he or she should begin to cultivate compassion for their mate by understanding the hurt they caused. An apology is part of healing, but it’s more than saying I’m sorry. Without understanding the depth of the injury; the loss of trust, the embarrassment and the anger, an apology can feel meaningless.
When the injured is heard he or she can feel validated by the partner because the partner really gets the pain he or she caused. At that time the injured person may want to try and understand what led the partner to tell the lie in the first place. They may discover that the partner was trying to protect them, only the lie turned out to be a clumsy attempt.
What can develop is true communication, connection between the couple. Lies are an indication that there’s room for improvement. In most cases when there is a lie people react by turning away from their partner. It’s natural to protect yourself when hurt. But turning toward your partner with understanding and compassion could just bring you exactly what you are after… real closeness and truth.
Remember:  "An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips." (Proverbs 24:26)

KEEPING OR REGAINING TRUST:

• Beware of these statements, “He is” -or- “she is” -or- “I am” a very private person.” PRIVACY CAN VERY EASILY LEAD TO BEHAVIOR THAT GIVES INTO DARKNESS. (See: Proverbs 4:19, 2 Samuel 22:29; Psalm 112:4; Matthew 6:23; Luke 11:34-36; John 3:19-21; Romans 1:21; 2 Corinthians 4:6; 2 Corinthians 6:14; Ephesians 4:17-18 and Ephesians 5:8-14; 1 Peter 2:9; 1 John 1:5-7; 1 John 2:9-11). Privacy can easily lead into secrecy. And secrecy leads to all kinds of trouble because it’s not exposed to “the light.”
• Being a “very private person” can be especially dangerous in a marriage. When we give the vow to enter into a marital relationship, we give up the right to our privacy— especially when that privacy can have a negative effect the life of our spouse. Be careful of the statement, “what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him” because often it will. Follow the Lord’s leading in this issue. Keep in mind that in marriage, God wants to take the “two of us and make us one.” The enemy of our faith wants to take the “oneness of us” and make us into two.
• “The killer of love is creeping separateness. It’s taking love for granted, especially after marriage. It’s ceasing to do things together— finding separate interests. It’s ‘we’ turning into ‘I.’ The modern world, especially in the cities favors it with the man going off to his office; and the woman staying home with the children — or perhaps having a different job. The failure of love might seem to be caused by hate or boredom or unfaithfulness with a lover; but those were results. First came the creeping separateness: the failure behind the failure.” (Sheldon Vanauken and Cindy Wright)

• Read Matthew 5:31-32 -you can see that “Jesus is trying to move us from easy divorce to a deeper commitment to marriage.”
• Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean. “But speaking the truth in love, may [we] grow up in all things into Him who is the head —CHRIST.” (Ephesians 4:15 NKJ)
• The enemy of our faith tries to divide us because he knows that “united we stand, divided we fall.” He fans the flames of rivalry and pride. How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity!” (Psalm 133:1)
• What are you feeding in your marriage? Are you making a conscientious effort to feed your love, and commitment to your spouse, or are you feeding your doubts, dissatisfaction and self-absorption? If you don’t make a point of feeding your love and commitment, then it’s easy for doubts and dissatisfaction to slide into your way of perceiving your spouse without even realizing it.
Life today naturally pulls us away from each other. The hectic busyness of the way we’re living takes its toll on the marital relationship because without making the time to nurture our love for one another, unmet relational needs have a way of negatively ambushing our feelings of love for one another. Do you spend your time focusing on the negative or on the positive aspects of your spouse?
The Bible tells us in Philippians 4:8-9: “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable —if anything is excellent or praiseworthy —think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me —put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” (Cindy Wright)
• My prayer for marriages: “May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.” (John 17:23) This is also an example of how God wants us to function. Just as God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit are separate individuals within the Godhead, yet they are one in purpose. In marriage the husband and wife are different individuals and yet they are to be one in purpose.

 It says in 1 Corinthians 13:7 that love “always protects.” That doesn’t mean love enables, covers over, or makes secret those things that should be brought to the light. (Giving “protecting love” is being very careful and prayerful of when, where, and with whom, we share “personal” details of our married life that need extra help and wise counsel.) To truly love our spouse is to protect them by showing honor and respect for their feelings— not revealing or doing anything that will embarrass or “cut them down.” By doing so, we’re dishonoring them and showing that we don’t value them.

2 Corinthians 4:1-2
Since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God.

Obvious Things that Cheaters Do On Facebook To Hide Their Affairs

When I was in school guys would ask a girl they were interested in to be his girlfriend, we would give her our letter jacket or class ring, whereas now a days, you change your facebook profile from “single” to “In a Relationship” as a way to show everyone who you are dating.

When it comes to Facebook and relationships, it can be a bumpy road. One of your friends may check you in somewhere where you shouldn’t be, you may be tagged in a photo with someone you shouldn’t be in a photo with, the wrong person may comment disrespectfully under one of your pictures, you have easy access to catch up with old flames, and easy access to IM chat with people you normally wouldn’t be chatting with.

 I recently came across an interesting article on The Bro Bible, written by J. Camm, called “5 Ways to Tell If You’re Being Cheated on Through Facebook”. Now keep in mind that The Bro Bible is a website that is geared towards a male audience.

 The site shares with us how you can tell that your girlfriend or wife is cheating on you through Facebook.

You Suddenly Can’t See stuff on Her Profile

The extra level of privacy on her Facebook profile is there because she is paranoid that someone may tag a picture of her with another guy and she’s worried that you will see it before she can “un-tag” herself in it.

 You’re the Only One Who Can See Her Relationship Status as “In a Relationship”

On Facebook, you can make it show one person that you are “In a Relationship” when everyone else may see “single”.

 Her Profile Picture

J. Camm says that when your profile picture goes from “I love this person I am next to” to “Check out this peace sign while I duck face the crap out of this camera" your relationship is done.

 You’re Completely Absent on Her Profile

                   If you are on her profile and are browsing through and can’t
                seem to find any pictures of you at all, that should be your sign.

The “Old” Friend You’ve Never Met

You always have that one person that comments on all your girlfriends’ statuses, thumbs up on all her pics and it makes you wonder who is this guy? Well according to J. Camm, this is another obvious sign that she is cheating.\

 I recommend, if married, that both have access to the others user name and password or agree to have a "joint" account.  If she refuses then there is a high probability that something is going on that she doesn't want you to know about.  What makes me mad about the entire Facebook Infidelity situation is that if she would put as much effort into posting song dedications, little love thoughts and thinking of you messages to her husband then she would have no reason nor desire to do those things for some jack ass that doesnt respect boundaries.  PUT THE EFFORT INTO THE PERSON YOU COMMITTED YOUR LIFE TO!  SIMPLE ISNT IT? 

TEMPTATION AT YOUR FINGERTIPS!!!

3 Reasons Spouses Commit FACEBOOK Affairs

Facebook is a very common means of communication for nearly everyone today. It is a great way to keep in contact with family, friends, old friends, networking for work and many other things.

Facebook can become a problem in marriages though; according to Jada Collins, Registered Mental Health Counselor, some therapists believe that Facebook is a ‘no-no’ for married couples. Before a husband and wife decide to have a Facebook, they should lay some ground rules.
     Affairs used to consist of office flings, crushing on your neighbor, picking up on people at the bar, etc but now it is right at our finger tips. Accepting the wrong person as a friend on Facebook, feeling a spark when you see your old boyfriend/girlfriend on there, it opens up doors to infidelity that are new.  So is Faceboook to blame for the rise in extramarital affairs? No no no, it is not to blame, the individual themselves are to blame according to Collins. The individual themselves allow temptation to come onto their Facebook. If you have to think whether or not to accept someone as a friend, simply don’t do it. In my marriage, if an ex tries to friend me, I deny them because I don’t want the drama in my marriage and I don’t want to hurt my husbands feelings. It isn’t worth it.

Why is it that spouses commit Facebook Affairs; here is what Jada Collins stated:

1. Easy Access
2. Lack of Boundaries
3. Refusal to take responsibility

If you and your spouse decide it is okay to get Facebook accounts, here are some times from Collins on how to safeguard it:

Tips to Safeguard your marriage:

1. Discuss expectations and concerns with your spouse
2. Create social networking boundaries
3. Spouses need to exchange user names and passwords. (No phony accounts.. This applies to
         email accounts as well).
4. Do not use social networking as a replacement for interaction with your partner
5. Communicate openly as concerns arise(No matter how insignificant a concern may be, it can
        rapidly turn into a big issue and source of contention so it is best to adequately and honestly
        address it).
6. Choose friends wisely; be careful of adding provocative and flirtation acquaintances, or old
        flames(guys want to recapture their youth and we all know what young guys want- relive their
        "conquests".  Women will see what the guy wants them to see and will want what they passed
         up- afterall the guy will look like a prince through Facebook).
"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush".  Guarantee that most spouses are far better than an old flame because you know exactly what you have in your spouse and that "the person the old flame is showing you" is in reality NOT who they are. 

CHEATING IN THE 21ST CENTURY...

With the proliferation of smartphones and social media, cheating and infidelity have found their new 21st Century outlets. Many couples embroiled in the difficult and devastating effects of marital infidelity, or cheating, have found their spouse to be texting another man or woman, or to have rekindling or developing a relationship on a social media site like Facebook.
     Cheating online is such a loaded issue. Often times, suspecting spouses or partners have to act on “their gut” when they attempt to uncover their partner’s extramarital or extrarelationship behaviors. A lot of times, that instinctive feeling is confirmed when the partner finds incriminating (and often highly sexually suggestive) evidence on their phones, or in their social media accounts. A lot of times a partner has password access to the other’s e-mail box, and going against what they know better to do, they start the investigative process to procure that evidence against their cheating spouse.
As far as online “flirting” while engaged in another relationship, it’s really a slippery slope. Flirting is still transmitting sexual energy, in an indirect way, to someone else other than the one you love. It says something about one’s “leaky” sexual energy that’s not being channeled into the primary relationship, which is indicative of possible intimacy problems. I know a lot of people say that “well, I’m just a flirtatious person.” Again, it’s hard to say, but this is a socially acceptable way of saying that we are giving people are sexual energy through our communication or behaviors. Men think abotu sex all day, and fantasize about having sex with lots of women. It doesn’t mean we, as men, need to incorporate those fantasies into behaviors that undermine our self-control and our original relationships.
     But does it mean that social media and texting promotes more cheating and infidelity? My opinion is no. My thinking is that if a partner is wanting badly enough to act on extramarital feelings, they’ll do it. Facebook and text messaging merely provide the convenient vehicles, unfortunately. People will find a way to cheat if they’re so inclined.
     Unfortunately, these digital vehicles provide cheaters with way better technology than they were used to before. We’re reunited with long-lost boyfriends and girlfriends from our youth, ranging from high school crushes to college sweethearts to past office romances. Even if we “don’t mean to” start something romantic up with someone, if our desire is there to do it, we might do it. If we happen to be trolling the same sites over and over again when we’re surfing (Facebook, Twitter), chances are that were going to continue to put ourselves in the same uncompromising position over and over again. I hear from a lot of partners that their behavior is “innocent,” and that its curiosity to them why their partner is fearful or doesn’t trust them. The threshold erodes and gets lower with each encounter, and soon, the cheating behaviors may be the next logical step for some.
     Choosing to communicate in these ways surely has negative effects. If we find ourselves hiding communication from our partner, and not wanting to disclose that digital relationship with the one that’s closest to us, we may have a problem. By using social media sites for more than just entertainment, because were lonely, angry at our spouse, or not feeling affirmed or wanted by our partner, we end up transmitting and bleeding out sexual energy over the Internet. We may not “mean to do this,” but if we are unfulfilled emotionally or sexually, that energy is necessarily going to come out in way that we interact, whether that’s over the Internet or live in person with someone.
Here’s some tips to help you if you’re not sure if you’re starting to cheat online:

1. Ask yourself, ” Would my partner approve of this? What would I do if I were in his/her shoes?”
2. Ask yourself, ” What am I really wanting from this person online? Do I want have sex with them? Do I want them to validate me or affirm me, to feel good? Do I want something from them that my partner can’t give to me now?
3. Be aware of what you type, in terms of the type of energy that you’re emitting. Is it sexual or flirtatious in nature? Is it invitational or suggestive to the other person? What is the overall tone of your messages online?
4. Start to become aware of the cover-up behaviors, like denying that you’re communicating with someone online when your partner asks what’s happening online with you.
5. Talk with your partner or spouse about what happens online. Do you both know each other’s Facebook friends? Start to open up dialogue with your loved one about your online activity, and if you have nothing to fear, this communication will enhance your relationship. If you have something to fear or coverup, then refer back to tip number one.
6. Start to identify the unmet needs for you in your relationship or marriage. A lot of the time, cheating starts without the intention to cheat, and begins quite “innocently.” If you can start to identify those things that you’re not getting in your relationship, and be able to communicate them to your partner, you’re going to go a long way towards identifying the problem before it becomes a disaster. Often times, cheating starts from this point.

     Cheating and infidelity have been here long before the advent of the Internet, social media, smart phones and text messaging. In the future, with even newer technology, cheating and infidelity will find a home there, too. It comes down to us, as the individuals in relationships, to help ourselves, and to start to identify if we’re starting the slippery slope towards cheating and infidelity in our own relationship.

UH OH!!! DANGER WILL ROBINSON.

How do you know if your online behaviors are nearing dangerous?
• You hesitate before friending this person
• You're more committed to checking your email
• Getting away from a computer or mobile device is more difficult than working a Rubik's cube.
• You're far more open with your online "friend" than with your mate.
• You lock your mobile device and computer tighter than Fort Knox to assure your mate doesn't invade
   your privacy.
• Meeting face-to-face seems like a better idea then talking online and your are making plans to meet.
• Time spent with your online "friend" exceeds time spent with family or work.
• Wondering what your "friend" is doing becomes your primary past time.
• Either of you expresses feelings for the other person.
• Your attraction for your "friend" exceeds your attraction for your mate.
• If either of you say, "this may be inappropriate, we need to slow down." When that happens, you don't
   need to cut back, you need to cut it off because you've become addicted to that person.

What to do if an online relationship has become a problem:
• Do what is necessary to terminate the relationship or behavior. The gradual process is of no use at
   all. Cut it off !
If you find you can't stop it, then get help either from a professional counselor, pastor, or 12-step books.
                                              Do whatever it takes to get disentangled!!!!!!!!!!• Do the work to discover what it was that made you vulnerable in the first place and what made
  your marriage vulnerable.
• Tell your spouse what's going on, but don't blame your spouse.

• Bad marriages don't cause this, bad choices do.
• Take personal responsibility.
• Realize your spouse will be upset, but they need to know you're choosing them over the behavior or person.

• Work on healing and growing your marriage.

• Trust must be re-established and as time progresses it will return.
• It's important.....Paramount to be 100% honest and truthful even when your spouse asks questions that you know will be painful.
• Transparency is the key- to rebuild trust it is important that action in your day that can be perceived as an opportunity to communicate with the "friend" is shown/discussed with your spouse. 
• COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR SPOUSE but do so understanding that they have been deeply hurt by the one person that, in their minds, should NEVER hurt them.  If you love your spouse and know that the relationship with the "friend" was a mistake and not what you want for your future then take responsibility, discuss, prove, love and live.