Romantic relationships
can and should be wonderful with the correct person. A relationship with the
wrong individual, however, can lead to years of heartache, emotional/social
damage, physical damage, and even emotional, mental and physical abuse. And
sometimes, that can even lead to death. So it is very important to really KNOW
who you are communicating with in the first place BEFORE you destroy your life
for them.. A damaging adult partner can damage us, damage our loved ones, and
even damage the way we feel about love and romance in the future. They can turn
what is supposed to be a loving, supporting, and understanding relationship
into the “fatal attraction” often described in movies.
There is a very
important statement to consider when you are trying to find out what someone is
really like. And it is this:
"The greatest
enemy of that which is excellent is not that which is blatantly bad, but that
which APPEARS to be good."
If someone was openly
insane and abusive with you, you would notice it right off the bat, and that
would be the end of the relationship. But some(mentally ill Sociopaths) are
much better than others at hiding from you who they REALLY ARE. They can appear
to be very good, wonderful, and even perfect. In fact, many times these
individuals have been called Sociopaths because they know just how to
manipulate others so well. They can appear, at first, to be the most charming,
caring, loving, fun individual who sweeps you off your feet with their charm
and looks. Years ago men like this were called "smooth talking sales men
and " Con-Artists." So, they can APPEAR to be good, but in reality
they are not only bad, but VERY BAD.
So here are some red
flags for you to be aware of so you can spot a sociopath before you continue a relationship that will ruin your life.
A Sociopath is a type
of person that creates much social, emotional and psychological damage. A sociopath
has permanent personality characteristics that create this damage. These are
characteristics that they accept simply as the way they are and not a problem
or psychological difficulty. In one sense, they have always lived with this
personality and behavior, often something they probably learned from their
relatives/family. Psychologists usually treat the victims of a sociopath who arrive at the office severely
depressed with their self-confidence and self-esteem totally destroyed.
The following list is
an attempt to outline the characteristics of a Sociopath and provide a manner
in which women and men can identify potentially damaging relationships, before
they are themselves severely damaged emotionally or even physically. If the
person you are communicating with possesses even one of these features, there
is risk in the relationship. More than three of these indicators and you are
involved with a Sociopath in a very high risk relationship that will eventually
create damage to you. When a high number of these features are present, it’s
not a probability or possibility, you WILL be
hurt and damaged if you continue with any form of a relationship.
1.
Commits to you very
quickly: You will find that a Sociopath
has very shallow and superficial emotions and connections with others. Within a
very short period of time he or she says, “I Love You,” or wants to marry or
commit to you. You may be caught up in the “it was meant to be” syndrome the
sociopath portrays. In less than a few
weeks you’ll hear that you’re " the love of their life, they want to be
with you forever, and they want to marry you." You’ll receive gifts, a
variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures.
This is the “honeymoon phase” - where they catch you and convince you that they
are the best thing that ever happened to you.
Stable people will
require alot more information about someone before they make a commitment, and
they will also be much more patient with the entire process. The very quick
commitment on the part of the sociopath is also a sign of superficiality and
shallow emotions, which is also the very reason that the controller can detach
from you just as quickly. Believe it or not, a sociopath will be talking about
moving in with you or getting married to you in less than four weeks, or very
early in the relationship.
2.
Temper: A sociopath has a scary temper or history of temper issue.. If the
person which you are communicating has a history of or currently blows up and
does dangerous things, like driving too fast because they’re mad, road rage,
destroying/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening others - that
temper will soon be turned in your direction. In the beginning of the
relationship, you will be exposed to “witnessed violence” - fights with others,
threats toward others, angry outbursts at others, etc. You will also hear of
violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper - throwing things,
yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls, and kicking things. But it
will at first be directed towards others, not you.
The Sociopath will have a legal
history- arrests for various issues such as assault, trespassing, DUI,
etc. They pride themselves in showing
contempt for authority.
The Sociopath will even enlist your sympathy for what they are
going through with others and expect you to take their side and support their
anger. They will maintain that they are
always the victim.
As time passes and the relationship progresses you become
intimidated and you begin to fear their potential for violence. The Sociopath
quickly assures you that they are angry at others or situations, not at you.
And you want to believe that. You want to believe that they will never direct
the hostility and violence at you, but they are clearly letting you know that
they have that ability and capability - and that it might come your way. Statistics
have shown that it will.
3.
It’s Always Your Fault: A Sociopath blames you for their anger as
well as any other behavior that is incorrect. They will maintain that all the
legal issues they underwent was none of their fault. They were the victim. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you
badly, damage your property or embarrass you publicly, it’s somehow your fault.
Anything that they do wrong, according to them YOU caused. So it is your fault
that they had to act badly. A Sociopath tells you their anger and misbehavior
would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them
more, or had not questioned their behavior.
A Sociopath never, repeat “never,” takes personal responsibility
for their behavior - it’s always the fault of someone else. They give you the
impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the
anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.
4.
Entitlement: A Sociopath
has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly
logical right to do whatever they desire. They are completely self-absorbed and
arrogant. Their anger at others for perceived injustices will one day be used
against you also. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of
their rules, or dare to disagree with them, they feel they are entitled to
punish you in any manner they see fit. They treat you like a child and they are
the parent. The Sociopath will look for
and do whatever it takes to not work to make a living. They will look to the welfare system or the
disability system. Fact is that their
psychological illness prevents them from being able to maintain employment so
they feel entitled that the system owes them a living.
5.
Bad Stories: People
often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about
themselves. It’s the old story about giving a person enough rope and they’ll
hang themselves. The stories a person tells informs us of how they see
themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress
you. A Sociopath tells stories of violence, aggression, being insensitive to
others, rejecting others, etc. Pay close attention to their arrest record as
well for it summarizes the Sociopaths personality. They may tell you about past relationships
and, in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how
wonderful they were to that person. They brag about their temper and outbursts,
because they don’t see anything wrong with violence and actually take pride in
the “I don’t take nothing from nobody” attitude. People define themselves with
their stories, much like a culture is described by it’s folklore and legends.
Listen to these stories - they tell you how you will eventually be treated and
what’s coming your way. Sociopaths live
in a world of fiction.
6.
The Reputation: Mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their
personality and their behavior. A Sociopath may have two distinct reputations -
a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will
warn you that they are serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new
restaurant - five say it’s wonderful and five say it’s a hog pit - you clearly
understand that there’s some risk involved in eating there.
A Sociopath may actually glorify their reputation as a “butt kicker,"
“womanizer," “hot temper,” or “being crazy.” They may tell you stories
where other’s have called them crazy or suggested that they receive
professional help. They will boast that they are accountable to no one. Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation
is the public perception of an individual’s behavior. If the reputation has two
sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side as
the relationship progress. With severe behavior problems, a Sociopath will be found to have
almost no friends, just acquaintances. Their relationship with their family is
strained at best and generally has a divorce or string of divorces in their
wake. They have a history of sporadic
relationship with their children if a parent.
Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships
with sociopaths that treat others so badly.
7.
Discounted Feelings/Opinions: A sociopath
is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of
others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to
question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told
that your feelings and opinions don’t make sense, they’re silly, and that you
are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. A Controller has no
interest in your opinion or your feelings, but they will be disturbed and upset
that you dare question their behavior. A sociopath is extremely
hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their
behavior is questioned. Their
primary purpose is to please themselves…Get what they need whether it is sex,
money, the feeling of worth by destroying your previous relationship. They are incapable of functioning in a normal
loving relationship.
8.
It’s Never Enough: A Sociopath
plan is to convince you that you are never quite good enough. You don’t say “I
love you” enough, you don’t stand close enough, you don’t do enough for them
after all their sacrifices, you cost them too much money, and your behavior
always falls short of what is expected. In fact, even when you make the changes
that they are demanding such as losing weight, cutting your hair or letting it
grow long, dropping that friend or family member, etc. they will just find
something else wrong with you. You could turn "yourself into a pretzel and
swing from a chandelier" if they asked you to, and STILL it would not be
good enough. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and
confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky
you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and
worthless as you and that no one else would want you.
9.
Destroying Your Self-Esteem : A sociopath will begin to repeatedly put you
down. They do this by correcting your smallest mistakes, making you feel like
not doing things in front of them, or not telling them things that you have
done, even the good things, because they will always find something wrong even
with what you thought was good. So you begin to feel “on guard,” unintelligent,
and depressed. They will tell you that you’re too fat, even when you are not,
call you ugly or unattractive, make fun of your clothes or the way you talk or
don’t talk correctly or how you look in general. Soon they will begin to give you the
impression that if you don't make some changes in these areas they are going to
look elsewhere. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem
allows them to later treat you badly, as though you deserved it. In public, you
will be “walking on eggshells” always fearing you are doing or saying something
that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.
10.
The Abuse Cycle: A sociopath cycles
from mean to super nice and back again. The cycle starts when they are
intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and
threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, and
bring you candy and flowers. So you hang in there thinking maybe things are not
so bad after all and maybe it is you who is exaggerating things. You hope that
maybe this is the end of the cycle. But the sociopath knows exactly what they
are doing. They have no intention of ending the cycle. They just don't want to
lose power and control over you, so they become what they think you want in
order to pacify you. And it works! But with each additional cycle your
self-esteem and self-confidence is that much more eroded which is exactly what
they want.
The
sociopath is a master at lies and manipulation.
Evaluate your current situation and if you find that the person you are
communicating with or are in a relationship falls into any of the above
behavior categories, get away! Nothing
good will ever come from a continued relationship with them. You deserve better in life.
