The Tools of the Trade

Dr. Martha Stout, in her book 'The Sociopath Next Door', discusses the techniques of the sociopath - what she refers to as 'the tools of the trade'. The first technique she talks about is charm. Dr. Stout believes it is "a primary characteristic of sociopathy. The intense charm of people who have no conscience, a kind of inexplicable charisma, has been observed and commented on by countless victims, and by researchers who attempt to catalog the diagnostic signs of sociopathy. It is a potent characteristic". Dr. Robert Hare and Dr. Paul Babiak talk about the role of charm during the interview process in their latest book "Snakes in Suits - When Psychopaths Go To Work". According to the book, "one of the most effective skills psychopaths use to get the trust of people is their ability to charm them. Some psychopaths lay the charm on too thick, coming across as glib, superficial, and unconvincing. Hower, the truly talented ones have raised their ability to charm people to that of an art, priding themselves on their ability to present a fictional self to others that is convincing, taken at face value, and difficult to penetrate". One must always keep in mind that the charm, like manipulation, can be very subtle.

Seduction is another common technique of the sociopath. According to Dr. Stout "people without conscience have an uncanny sense of who will be vulnerable to a sexual overture". But seduction is not llimited to sexual relationships; sociopaths can and will seduce family, friends and colleagues with their acting skills. Sociopaths will seduce others for power, money, control and sex.

The pity play is next on the list of sociopathic techniques. It's okay to pity someone who has gone through difficult times, but if you find yourself feeling sorry for someone's sad story, make sure the story is true. The pity play should be a warning sign to all of us.

Projection and gaslighting are also on the list of common sociopathic techniques. Sociopaths refuse to be held accountable for their behavior and often assign their own behavior to their victims. For example, a sociopath could accuse a victim of stealing when it is the sociopath himself that steals. Gaslighting is a common practice of abusers who attempt to convince their victims they are defective for any reason such as making the victim more emotional, more needy or dependent. For example, if an abusive person says hurtful things and tries to convince you that you are mentally unstable and starts recommending that you get professional help, you might be in the presence of a gaslilghter.

According to Dr. Hare and Dr. Babiak, psychopaths are always on the lookout for individuals to scam or swindle. The psychopathic approach includes three phases: the assessment phase, the manipulation phase and the abandonment phase. "Some psychopaths are opportunistic, aggressive predators who wil take advantage of almost anyone they meet, while others are more patient, waiting for the perfect, innocent victim to cross their path. In each case, the psychopath is constantly sizing up the potential usefulness of an individual as a source of money, power, sex or influence". The authors go on to say that some psychopaths enjoy a challenge while others prey on people who are vulnerable. This could include people who are lonely or people who need emotional support, elderly people or those who have been recently hurt or victimized. During the assessment phase, the psychopath is able to determine a potential victim's weak points and will use those weak points to seduce.

Once the psychopath has identified a victim, the manipulation phase begins. During the manipulation phase, a psychopath may create a persona or mask, specifically designed to 'work' for his or her target. A psychopath will lie to gain the trust of their victim. A psychopath's lack of empathy and guilt allows them to lie with ease - "they don't see the value of telling the truth unless it will help get them what they want".

In Chapter 4 of the book "Snakes in Suits", Dr. Hare and Dr. Babiak write:

"As interaction with you proceeds, the psychopath carefully assesses your persona. Your persona gives the psychopath a picture of the traits and characteristics you value in yourself. Your persona may also reveal, to an astute observer, insecurities or weaknesses you wish to minimize or hide from view. As an ardent student of human behavior, the psychopath will then gently test the inner strengths and needs that are part of your private self and eventually build a personal relationship with you by communicating (through words and deeds) four important messages".

According to the book the four messages that the psychopath communicates are 1) I like who you are; 2) I am just like you; 3) Your secrets are safe with me; and 4) I am the perfect friend or lover or partner for you.

Dr. Hare and Dr. Babiak sum up the differences between a real bond between two people who meet each other and have much in common and the psychopathic bond quite well:

"..the persona of the psychopath-the "personality" the person is bonding with-does not really exist. It was built on lies, carefully woven together to entrap you. It is a mask, one of many, custom-made by the psychopath to fit your particular psychological needs and expectations. It does not reflect the true personality--the psychopathic personality--that lies beneath. It is a convenient fabrication. Second, these relationships are not based on informed choice. The psychopath chooses you and then moves in. Outsiders, without the benefit of intimate converesation, may see what is really going on, but we tend to discount these observations, and may spend energy convincing our friends that this person is special. Third, because it is faked, it won't last like genuine relationships. While genuine relationships change over time--love may turn to hate, marriages end in divorce--the initial starting point was based on real data, as it was known at the time. People change over time, and sometimes grow apart. The psychopath, though, will not invest more than minimal energy in maintaining the relationship unless you can offer something really special, which is not usually the case. Hence, when the relationship ends, you may be left wondering what just happened. Fourth, the relationhip is one-sided because the psychopath has an ulterior--some would say "evil"--and, at the very least, selfish motive. The victimization goes far beyond trying to take advantage of someone on a date or during a simple business transaction. The victimization is predatory in nature; it often leads to severe financial, physical or emotional harm for the individual. Healthy, real relationships are built on mutual respect and trust; they are based on sharing honest thoughts and feelings. The mistaken belief that the psychopathic bond has any of these characteristics is the reason it is so successful".

Dr. Hare goes on to say that the psychopathic bond can take place very quickly, sometimes within hours. That means it could happen over coffee, drinks, in a business meeting or, as Dr. Hare mentions, on a cross-country airplane trip.

The abandonment phase begins when the psychopath decides that their victim is no longer useful. They abandon their vicim and move on to someone else. In the case of romantic relationshps, a psychopath will usually seal a relationship with their next target before abandoning their current victim. Abandonment can happen quickly and can occur without the current victim knowing that the psychopath was looking for someone new. There will be no apologies for the hurt and pain they cause because psychopaths do not appreciate these emotions.

What Dr. Hare and Babiak discuss in their most recent book is chiling and disturbing but the information should not be ignored. I believe it is human nature to want to avoid bad news or discount information that may be difficult to comprehend. Confronting the truth that there are millions of people in this country alone that exhibit the traits of a psychopath or sociopath is extremely hard to believe for most of us. We all want to believe in the goodness of others; we assume that everyone can feel empathy and guilt, compassion and real love. Unforturnately, what you see is not always what you get and appearances can be deceiving. To anyone who is interested in protecting themselves or others against the psychopathic bond, please read "Snakes in Suits - When Psychopaths Go To Work" by Dr Robert Hare Ph.D. and Dr. Paul Babiak, Ph.D. As the book states "The number of people with psychopathic personalities suggests that most of us will come across at least one psychopath during a typical day. However, the ability of clever psychopaths to hide their true nature makes it difficult to tell them from others one might meet on the street".

BLUEPRINT OF A SOCIOPATH

Sociopaths are sneaky and will worm their way into your life, despite your misgivings from the beginning. Something about this man is not quite right. You can’t put your finger on it, and you hesitate, but you get sucked into him anyway. These men are charming and can put on an act that wins your sympathy and devotion.


If you have issues of low self-esteem, they instinctively know how to approach you and suck you in.


If you are lonely and needy you are a big target for the man with a sociopathic personality disorder.

He makes you feel special and important. He convinces you they he has been misunderstood all his life, and you are the only one who understands him now. You feel validated and needed by this man, and he sucks you in deeper and deeper over time.

Your first warning was your gut instinct, and that was the time to run away and leave this relationship behind. Unfortunately, you didn’t, and now you are stuck in the hell that is a relationship with a sociopath. We all need to pay attention to the red flags, warning signs, gut instincts. We can learn to recognize the sociopath and never get sucked into him again.

The words sociopathic, psychopathic, and antisocial personality all mean the same thing and are a true mental illness, a psychosis. The three terms are interchangeable and have only different areas of focus such as socialization or criminal behavior. We will use the word sociopath because it is the most recognizable. Psychopaths are often equated with serial murderers, and antisocial is equated with dysfunction. [But the majority of them are MUCH more subtle!] The sociopath is sometimes charming and usually looks and acts normal enough to fool us. All three terms carry the same meaning: a disorder of the personality.
The most important thing to know is that a sociopath has a brain that does not work right. In fact, he is missing a part of his brain. More specifically, he is missing one of the building blocks of his personality. This is important to understand because it explains the seriousness of this disorder and why it cannot be treated or fixed or cured.

The part of his brain that is missing shapes his conscience, and because it is missing, he does not have one. The sociopath does not feel guilt, remorse or shame like the rest of us feel when we do something bad or wrong. He is not capable of feeling guilt or shame because he is missing that piece of his personality. It also means he does not have the boundaries, restraints on his behavior or impulse control that the rest of us do so he will do things that are outrageous, things that normal personalities would never consider doing.
The bad news for you is that this personality disorder cannot be fixed. You cannot fix him, and he cannot fix himself. No therapy or drug can fix this personality disorder because a part of his brain is missing. With long-term therapy some of the symptoms might be lessened, or the sociopath might learn to live more productively in society, but it cannot be fixed. This is why the most important piece of advice for the person involved with a sociopath is to leave. Get him out of your life. Run, don’t walk, away from him and never, ever go back. A good comparison, something to help you understand the medical implications of this disorder, is to compare it to a disease of the eye. Diseases and disorders of the eye can be treated, like glaucoma, astigmatism, nearsightedness, etc., with medicine, eyeglasses, or laser surgery. Color blindness, however, can NOT be treated, because the person is missing the color cones and rods in the eye. A doctor cannot fix what is not there to begin with. This is why the sociopath, with a part of his personality missing, cannot be fixed. No doctor or therapist can put back what wasn’t there to begin with, and the sociopath is missing an actual building block of his personality, deep within his brain.

This explains why you sometimes feel like his brain just doesn’t work right. He lies, uses you, manipulates, bleeds you dry, rages, begs forgiveness, and then does it all over again without any guilt, remorse or shame.
The beginning charm you feel with the sociopath does not last long, because he is putting on a false face to reel you in. He is charming, seems sincere and earnest, makes you feel needed and important, and seems like the real thing, but only in the beginning. Other early warning signs that might alert you to this personality disorder are: lack of friends (he has none); lack of family (he burned them all out and used them up); a history of failed relationships (the other party always wronged him); being secretive (especially about money and his past); acting defensive when questioned about his whereabouts, work, money, or how he spends his time (he is already hiding things from you); criminal history or committing fraud without being charged (his family/friends will often not press charges); underachiever at work (frequently changing jobs); irresponsible spending (he will be spending your money, too, soon!)…..and many other signs, most of which you recognize, but might still be in denial about. Many innocent, trusting women at this point of the relationship think their guy is still an okay guy, he just has some problems that she can surely fix with unconditional love, devotion and support. Beware; if you are at this point, you are in very deep.
By the time this relationship explodes, the sociopath will have done many, many things that leave you bewildered and exhausted. The more supportive you are the worse he treats you. The more understanding you are the more irritable and ugly he gets. This man, your relationship and life are crumbling around you and you still are not even sure why. You are spent, worn out, depressed, anxious, sad, scared, and don’t know how to fix it. You can’t fix it or him. You can only get out and save yourself; that is the truth that I know you don’t want to hear, but it is the truth. You must get out. It is your only option for survival. This personality disorder, in this man you probably love, cannot be fixed.
There are three main things that define the sociopath. They are pathological lying, fits of rage, and being completely self-centered. The hallmark, defining feature that sociopaths have that connects these three things is an astonishing lack of guilt, remorse and shame despite the heartbreak and hardships they cause to others. This man does not feel guilty. He is not ashamed, and he is not remorseful or sorry for what he has done to you or others. He is not sorry for all the pain, disruption and turmoil he has caused for both you and himself. He lacks the brain to be able to feel these emotions, and you cannot make him sorry. He might learn to say he is sorry, because he has been rewarded for saying those words in the past, but he cannot feel it.

Pathological lying about all things, big and small, is the first feature of a sociopath. This man will lie about the most ridiculous things, even when he doesn’t have to and even when he might not want to: he just does. These lies are bewildering because they seem so ridiculous and unnecessary, and they are frightening because of what they stand for: a personality disorder that cannot be fixed. When your man does this, call it what it is: pathological lying.

Fits of rage, the second symptom, often happen when the sociopath is crossed, challenged or questioned. He can’t stand it, and he will take it out on you. He might stomp around and yell, or get violent. Either way, you learn quickly not to question him; in fact, you had better be completely supportive all of the time or he might suddenly turn into a raging person you feel like you don’t know. Before this article you did not know who he was, but now you do. A sociopath with fits of rage.

The third feature is a self-centeredness or devotion to self unlike any you have ever seen. This man sees the world from his eyes only, will always makes sure he gets “his” first, and is constantly plotting against the world who plots against him (in his mind). This feature will allow the sociopath to discard you without a second glance when you no longer suit his needs. He only functions around his needs and wants. He has an overwhelming sense of self that does not allow room for others. This is why you feel so “stepped on” by the sociopath; you were not only stepped on, you were run over!

The hallmark feature that ties these three broad characteristics together is an amazing lack of guilt, remorse or shame for their actions; a complete lack of conscience, and lack of boundaries that prevents healthy people from doing what the sociopath will do easily and without hesitation over and over again! This feature is astonishing when you see it; you can’t quite believe someone is capable of acting the way they do. It overwhelms those involved with the sociopath; it is so hard to comprehend that someone could even do one of these things, much less accomplish the long list of lies and fraud accompanies the sociopath throughout his lifetime.
These are just the broadest definitions of a sociopath. Following are a few of the many characteristics that a sociopath might have: not learning from experience or punishment, emotional immaturity with lack of ability to form relationships, lack of impulse control, lack of morals, and no sense of responsibility. Sociopaths can be reckless, impulsive, substance abusers, financial disasters, and can commit fraud, lie, and abandon loved ones without the blink of an eye. They can be aggressive, are usually irritable, and do not plan ahead nor do they have a life plan or achieve any goals. They stay this way for years despite consequences that are disastrous. They simply discard relationships and move to the next one. They cannot be fixed, not by you, not by me, not by a therapist or doctor, and not by themselves. They seldom even admit they have a problem.

Mental illness is classified into two types: neuroses and psychoses. All of us are neurotic to some degree, and we know we are. That is one important clue. We know we have shortcomings and we work on our problems because personal growth is important to us. The person with an illness classified as a psychosis such as the sociopath can seldom admit he has a problem and will never overcome his illness. He will spend his life lying, cheating, extorting, raging and manipulating, or worse, without guilt, remorse or shame.
This mental disorder cannot be fixed. Medication or therapy might lessen the symptoms, but it cannot be fixed, that is a fact, and these men will ruin your life if you stay.

NO BLAME....NO SHAME

Sociopaths have antisocial personality disorder, which is a chronic mental illness that affects your everyday thoughts, behaviors and relationships. Sociopaths may violate the law and the rights of others, while having little regard for right and wrong and lack of remorse for their senseless acts of crime. If, after reading this list of sociopathic personality disorder signs, you think you may be dealing with a sociopath, you should encourage your friend or loved one to seek professional medical help.

Persistent Lying or Deceit
If a person repeatedly lies, uses aliases or cons people for personal enjoyment and gain, while feeling no remorse when caught, you could be dealing with a sociopath. Sociopaths are very believable liars and rarely tell the truth. They aren’t concerned with doing the right thing, therefore making it easier for them to deceive people and get their way by lying.

Lack of Remorse, Guilt or Empathy
Sociopaths don’t experience much remorse or guilt for their behaviors, nor do they have empathy for others’ feelings. They may be engaged in violent acts, such as child abuse and abusive relationships, but not take responsibility for their actions or accept blame.

INCAPACITY FOR LOVE
Because sociopaths are making more enemies than friends, they don’t give or receive love easily. Family members, friends and coworkers may distance themselves from sociopaths because of their repeated lying, deceit and neglect that has damaged their relationship. Sociopaths may also have trouble making and keeping friends because they put themselves above others and aren’t concerned with their feelings.

IRRESPONSIBLE
Sociopaths are generally irresponsible and unreliable individuals, who seem to be oblivious to the harm or disappointment they cause others. They are quick to lie and blame others for acts they clearly committed, and do not accept blame or apologize when they are wrong.

IMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR
Promiscuity, infidelity, alcohol and drug abuse and gambling are just a few of the behaviors exhibited by sociopaths. Their lack of accountability and disregard for safety makes it easier for sociopaths to engage in dangerous or impulsive behavior that could be damaging to themselves or others.

JUVENILE DELIQUENCY
Juvenile delinquency, such as stealing, animal cruelty and aggression are some common attributes of a young sociopath. Sociopaths think they are above the law and rules that everyone must abide by, therefore, a life of rule breaking and illegal acts starts at a young age.

GRANDIOSE SENSE OF SELF/ARROGANCE
Sociopaths are convinced they are above everyone else and they are entitled to certain things no one else gets. Because of this mindset, sociopaths may be engaged in illegal activities and have reoccurring difficulties with the law. Sociopaths are delusional and feel as if they deserve a free pass in every situation.

MANIPULATIVE
In addition to pathological lying, sociopaths will manipulate strangers and people close to them in order to get what they want. They often use charm and wit to manipulate people, who could become a victim or enabler.

AGGRESSIVE OR VIOLENT BEHAVIOR
Sociopaths tend to be aggressive and violent in their day to day behavior. They may commit senseless crimes, abuse a loved one or neglect a child in an effort to release anger or show dominance.

AGITATED
Sociopaths are easily agitated by the smallest things and have no patience for boredom. Whether it’s being on time to work, following the law or not violating the rights of others, sociopaths have a difficult time doing as they are told.

Sociopaths generally have a legal history, insist they are never at fault, are either unemployed or have a resume of many jobs "that didn't work out", have little to no interaction with family, have few friends, and have experienced two or more hospitalizations for psychiatric care.

Dorothea Dix Hospital

Have you ever wondered about the souls of patients who died at Dorothea Dix? Or wondered if it was or was not haunted? Perhaps you have a family member who has been there, or who is there now pending the big move. Maybe you need to know the names of the people who were placed in the Dorothea Dix Cemetery. Whatever your reason for reading this article, I hope you will find your answers here. I will be addressing the history, haunted and not, of this very old hospital for the mentally handicapped.

Attitudes toward the mentally ill were very different in the 1800s than they are today. The actual process of thought for a "lunatic asylum" started in 1825 when a resolution was accepted to request information required to plan for a building. Naught happened, however. Again, around 1838 or 1839, minds were stimulated to action, but nothing happened.

In 1844, Governor Morehead pushed to build an institution for the "unfortunate insane, blind and deaf", but the issue somehow stood still with Delaware and North Carolina remaining the two states of the original 13 that did not have housing facilities for the "insane". In December of 1848, the bill which began the funding process to build a state hospital for the mentally ill was finally passed.

Originally, the hospital was called the "Insane Hospital", but was named "Dix Hill". The hospital was named after Dorothea Dix's grandfather, Dr. Elijah Dix. Dorothea was the most instrumental person in the founding of the institution, but she refused to have it named after herself.

A site was chosen outside of Raleigh about a mile west of the city on a hill near Rocky Branch. Raleigh was not as large as it is today. The site had a view of the city that was believed to be "perfectly healthy". 182 acres were purchased from Maria Hunter Hall and Sylvester Smith. The two tracts of land were originally a plantation owned by Col. Theophilus Hunter in the late 1700s.

The first structure to be built in 1851 had two wings with a large center. It was designed by Alexander T. Davis in a Romanesque style. Soon two additional buildings were added. One was for a steam boiler, gas manufacture and laundry. The other building was a bakery and kitchen. It had apartments above it for the staff. Apartments for the main building staff were on the second floor of the original structure.

In 1856, a patient suffering from "suicidal mania" was the first to be admitted. In the first nine months, 90 patients were placed in the hospital.

In the 1800s, the prevailing thought was social conditions caused mental illness. Madness cost a person dearly. "The insane" were removed from their homes, family, friends and community and placed in the "the Insane Hospital". Most, if not all of the patients, never left during this period. They died on the premises.

A hospital farm was established to feed the patients and staff. Dix Hill became a closed, self-sufficient community with few people leaving and mostly admissions coming in.

Just prior to the Civil War in 1859, the cemetery was started on the asylum grounds and the first body was laid to rest. Marble posts were placed at each end of the cemetery and a chain passed along the line of graves. A tag was hung above the graves with the name of the person who had died. A carpenter who worked at the hospital made the coffins of wood. For those looking for information on the gravesites at Dorothea Dix Hospital, please visit rootsweb.com which has as much information as is available on the graves there. For those wishing to honor their beloved, I suggest visiting findagrave.com.

There are 900 graves at Dorothea Dix cemetery. Approximately 250 of them were badly damaged and may still be unmarked. Trucks drove over grave plots to arrive at the landfill next door. The weight collapsed many graves, breaking some wooden coffins and leaving depressions in the ground. As a result, boundaries of graves have been hard to identify. Until 1991, the only gravesites with tombstones were of those persons whose family could purchase or provide them. For close to a century, only stamped numbers and a cross marked most of the graves.

Some of the older stones in the cemetery were unreadable or badly damaged. They were constructed into a memorial wall. For more information on the restoration of the cemetery and the Memorial Wall, please read the Keynote Address given by Chief Justice Burley B. Mitchell, Jr., Supreme Court of NorthCarolina. Some history and a dedication of the cemetery are included in the address. The dedication and address can be found at www.nccourts.org/News/Documents/dix.html.

At the beginning of the Civil War, Dorothea Dix hospital had 193 patients. In the spring of 1865, the Union Army occupied Raleigh and the soldiers camped on the hospital grounds. Every effort was made to keep the mental hospital running smoothly, but the difficulties presented themselves. The army tore down fences and burned them for firewood, and confiscated grain and livestock for food. It can be left to speculation as to other damages and offenses against the hospital and the patients.

In the early 1900s, patients, nurses and male attendants gathered two times a week to dance and listen to music. The music had such a positive affect on the patients that the superintendent of the hospital claimed in a report that music should be considered as a potential remedy for the insane. Was it the music, the release or the social contact?

Not long after this remedy was practiced, the flu epidemic struck Dorothea Dix. In 1918, as the flu ravaged the patients, symptoms of delirium, agitation, violence, and fear of persecution began to present more insanity. One patient was reported to have turned his bed over on himself and moved backwards up the hall on his back. The patient died shortly thereafter. Before the epidemic ended, 18 patients and 2 staff members died. Hauntings are reported that are somewhat backed up by these details.

Throughout the land, corpses were uncollected in homes and on the streets. The hospitals and morgues were overrun with the unrefrigerated dead.

Dorothea Dix hospital was especially affected during the depression of the 1930s because it had the only refrigerated morgue at the time. Bodies of the dead were housed there until they could be claimed.

With these facts in mind, do you think there are souls that haunt the grounds and buildings of Dorothea Dix Hospital?

When the unwanted, the poor, the forgotten, the sick, the imprisoned, and the deranged in our societies are mistreated, the souls of their ancient history may haunt the living. Their message rings in their whispers and screams: "Remember me."

I love the stats feature in the blogger program

It allows to drill down to audience location, browser, OS and IP.  Very glad to know "people" are getting the message.

THE INTERNET AS A SOCIOPATHS PLAYGROUND

Do you know how to tell if a man is a sociopath? And do you know which women are the most likely targets of sociopaths?
Married women or just newly divorced are preferred targets for sociopaths. The age of technology we live in makes it difficult to discern initially due to just a computer screen in front of you.  Over time however, all sociopaths are easily identified.  Many marriages are put at risk due to their predatory practices. 
* Essentially, a sociopath will glibly lie, charm and use others, without a moment's remorse over hurting anyone.
* They're often, but not always, more charismatic, charming than the average person.
* Sociopaths can feign every kind of emotion; yet they know only "feral" [wild, savage, deadly] pleasures.
* Sociopaths find rewards in the hunt.
* Their joys are in conquest and in winning.
* They know how to manipulate love and lust but can not feel either love or empathy.
* They have a Grandiose Sense of Self. They feel entitled to certain things as "their right."
* Shallow Emotions are all they have! When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. They are outraged by insignificant matters, yet remain unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person.
*Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises!
* Highly Manipulative and Conning.  They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible.
*They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used.
*Their goal is to dominate and humiliate their victims.

Using the official diagnostic version from The DSM-IV-TR and The American Journal of Psychiatry (diagnostic manuals) and my own training and experience, here's some help in understanding the sociopath.
Antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of regard for the moral or legal standards in the local culture. There is a marked inability to get along with others or abide by societal rules. Individuals with this disorder are sometimes called psychopaths or sociopaths.

Diagnostic Criteria (DSM-IV)

1. Since the age of fifteen there has been a disregard for and violation of the right's of others, those right's considered normal by the local culture, as indicated by at least three of the following:
A. Repeated acts that could lead to arrest.
B. Conning for pleasure or profit, repeated lying, or the use of aliases.
C. Failure to plan ahead or being impulsive.
D. Repeated assaults on others.
E. Reckless when it comes to their or others safety.
F. Poor work behavior or failure to honor financial obligations.
G. Rationalizing the pain they inflict on others.

2. At least eighteen years in age.

3. Evidence of a Conduct Disorder, with its onset before the age of fifteen.

4. Symptoms not due to another mental disorder. 

These people are mentally ill and extremely dangerous! The following precautions will help to protect you from the destructive acts of which they are capable.

First, to recognize them, keep the following guidelines in mind.

(1) They are habitual liars. They seem incapable of either knowing or telling the truth about anything.

(2) They are egotistical to the point of narcissism. They really believe they are set apart from the rest of humanity by some special grace.

(3) They scapegoat; they are incapable of either having the insight or willingness to accept responsibility for anything they do. Whatever the problem, it is always someone else's fault. -there's not a hint of remorse in his behavior, attitude, or conversation. As a matter of interest, this particular person talks like he has been victimized.
by everyone in his life!

(4) They are remorselessly vindictive when thwarted or exposed.

(5) Genuine religious, moral, or other values play no part in their lives. They have no empathy for others and are capable of violence. Under older psychological terminology, they fall into the category of psychopath or sociopath, but unlike the typical psychopath, their behavior is masked by a superficial social facade.

If you have come into conflict with such a person or persons, do the following immediately!

(1) Notify your friends and relatives of what has happened.

Do not be vague. Name names, and specify dates and circumstances. Identify witnesses if possible and provide supporting documentation if any is available.

(2) Inform the police. The police will do nothing with this information except to keep it on file, since they are powerless to act until a crime has been committed. Unfortunately, that often is usually too late for the victim. Nevertheless, place the information in their hands.

Obviously, if you are assaulted or threatened before witnesses, you can get a restraining order, but those are palliative at best.   If you'd like to learn more about the traits of sociopaths, written in simple layman language, I recommend The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout, PhD (a psychotherapist with a knack for writing great books).
Dr. Stout says that as many as 4% of the population are conscienceless sociopaths who have no empathy or affectionate feelings for humans or animals. [Other sources say one in 5 of our population are sociopaths.] As Dr. Stout (The Myth of Sanity) explains, a sociopath is defined as someone who displays at least three of fifteen distinguishing characteristics, such as
* deceitfulness, * impulsivity and * a lack of remorse.
With the above stated, it is best to avoid the development of any relationship online either with a stranger or old acquaintence especially if you are married.  One example that comes to mind is a married woman finds an old acquantence on Facebook, they chat back and forth, he(being a sociopath as evidenced through meeting all the criteria) begins manipulating the communication.  As time passes the woman's husband finds out about the emotional affair (hadnt progressed to face to face meeting so nothing physical occurred).  The woman breaks off contact.  She receives a strange and harrassing text message a couple of months later which prompted her to contact the sociopath during such time he of course denies sending the text(he is a known pathological liar) and then begins rambling on about how his son was "busted for selling drugs" and he didnt know what he was going to do.  He then mentions that he(the man, not the son) had many, many past hospitalizations due to psychiatric issues over the course of his life (Dorothea Dix Hospital as well as others).  This is something the woman didn't know in the beginning and she admittedly would have never communicated with him had she known the degree of his mental illness.  This man had all the warning signs of a sociopath:  grandiose sense of self, pathological lying, Lack of remorse, shame and guilt(long legal history to include assault on a female), shallow, need for stimulation(very promiscuous, lack of empathy(stated he never looked for trouble but trouble always seemed to find him and even believes that he was doing nothing wrong trying to break up a marriage), poor behavior controls(legal history), early behavior problems/Juvenile deliquency(his legal issues and alcohol abuse began in his teens), Irresponsible and unreliable(chose to allow his children to grow up without his presence), Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic lifestyle(claims income from disability received due to an injury-(more like disability due to his mental issues) and owns no home, goes from place to place of those that will allow him to stay although his relationship with his family is nonexistent.), and he has a criminal versatility-(he hides behind alias and tells ficticious life stories like being in movies- proved to be made up in no record of participation as an actor, extra or set employee of the movies he named).  This is just an example of how a sociopath operates and if not detected, the damage they can cause to a relationship can be devastating.  His life is built entirely on lies and manipulation and had the truth not been discovered and an end put it, lives would have been destroyed and even lost all because of the safe haven of the internet, text messages, etc.  Its best to avoid or at minimum perform a criminal background check since no person, especially a sociopath will freely tell of their history and even if they do, the sociopath, will claim to be the victim.  Many women find out way too late so be cautious and avoid becoming a true victim yourself.

STEPS TO REGAINING TRUST

How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Emotional and/or Physical Affair

The discovery of marital infidelity, simply put, is an "extremely devastating experience." Marital infidelity can be many things: sexual involvement with another person, secret Internet relationships, or the secret exchange of e-mails, text messages and phone conversations. It may involve a friend, acquaintance, or a complete stranger. Whether the extra-marital cheating is a passionate sexual affair or an emotional affair, it will greatly undermine the trust in your marriage. Even though many marriages can recover from such deceit and betrayal, sometimes the damage done is simply too great to overcome.

The speed and degree of recovery is usually dictated by the behavior and actions of the spouse who cheated. They are, after all, the one who brought an outsider into the marital union. However, the unfaithful spouse often has no idea what to do, or how to behave, in order to help rebuild trust in the relationship. These steps will help those who are serious about healing their marriage.

·         STOP LYING. Stop lying or making excuses for your actions. If the betrayed partner presents evidence of the lie, betrayal or inappropriate action, own up to it. You need to understand that the worst thing that could happen has already occurred. You were dishonest and betrayed your partner's trust. Therefore, continuing to lie, twist, hide, or deny is simply adding insult to injury. If you are looking your partner in the eye and claiming to want the relationship to work then you cannot continue to lie about various odds and ends. You lied to your partner for the entire duration of the betrayal; therefore, if you continue to lie now, it sets the reconciliation process way back. The betrayed partner likely knows the answers to the questions they are asking, or can usually find out, so if you are interested in rebuilding trust in the relationship, STOP LYING. If your partner discovers later - either on purpose or by accident - that you have lied about or left out salient details, they will likely never trust you again. (Moreover, you deny yourself the opportunity to be someone whom they SHOULD trust.) Your only hope of regaining their trust is to give them the truth wholesale, and thus demonstrate your commitment to being honest with them, even about things that might hurt them. You are kidding yourself if you think you are protecting your partner by "omitting" certain truths. If you had wanted to protect your partner, you never would have betrayed them in the first place. Keep in mind that unlearning dishonesty may be unexpectedly complex for you, in that it has likely become somewhat automatic -- you may have used it for so long to sidestep conflict and responsibility that you have become very good at justifying it. Taking up the challenge of honesty at all levels is the only way to rebuild your relationship and the only way to reclaim your own integrity.

·         Be around. While emotional availability in the days, weeks, and even months following the discovery of a betrayal is of the utmost importance, keep in mind that you can only be emotionally available when you're around. Understand that, left alone, your partner's thoughts will begin to eat away at them - they will have questions you are not there to answer, torment themselves with ideas you cannot dispel, and invent suspicions your absence will only worsen. Paranoia is only natural during this time; in fact, it can hardly be called paranoia, as they are right to mistrust you; you have betrayed them deeply. Being around to answer their questions and soothe their thoughts will keep them from building up and causing future explosions down the road. If it is possible, this may be a good time to take some time away from your normal "alone" activities to spend with your partner. If you can't be with them physically, keep your phone on whenever possible to answer their calls, and allow them as much access to you as they need. Depending on your partner's temperament, you may need to respect their desire for time alone, but you need to keep yourself available to them.

·         DO NOT get defensive or assign blame. This is not the time to employ the old adage of “the best defense is a good offense.” This is the time to be contrite/regretful, remorseful, empathetic, compassionate, honest, and emotionally available. Do not say anything which will give the impression that the betrayed partner was responsible for your lies to them or in any way caused your behavior. There will be plenty of time to share blame during times of productive conversation with your mate or in counseling sessions. It may be that there were significant problems in the relationship prior to your betrayal, and that those problems were 50% (or 60% or 70%) the responsibility of your spouse. Nevertheless, the fact that you chose to betray your spouse rather than to raise the issues and work on them in an honest way is 100% your fault. Therefore, DO NOT waste time blaming your actions on anyone or anything else. DO NOT point the finger toward temptation, confusion, being under the influence, or falling prey to the influence of others. You should have no room for excuses anymore. Telling your partner you did not realize what was happening is not only bogus, it devalues them. The partner will see right through these excuses and will view this as another attempt to keep them in the dark while you continue playing them for a fool. The best way to effectively deal with your partner's anger, and start the process of rebuilding trust, is to take complete and full ownership of your own selfishness, immaturity, or basic destructive relationship behavior. Remind yourself that it is quite possible that your partner was enduring similar feelings of unhappiness or frustration during the relationship, but instead made a decision not to lie to you or betray you.

·         Treat your partner as if they are the very center of your world. While you should do this anyway, it is of monumental importance that you focus on this IMMEDIATELY following the incident, injury, lie or betrayal. This is a critical time in the recovery of your relationship; dedicate yourself to it. Being abused or betrayed will make your partner feel rejected, unimportant, and decidedly less than "special." Regardless of your reasons or given situation, your partner will be under the rightful impression that you do not truly love them, which is a difficult thing for them to face after years of thinking they were the most important person in your life. Giving your partner your full attention during this time will help them to regain the feelings of importance in your life, and will go a long way towards convincing them that you are unlikely to hurt or betray them again. If you can, also show and tell to other people how much you care or love your partner in order to help them overcome all the humiliation and hurt this burden may have caused.

·         Your life MUST be an open book. You no longer have the luxury of coming and going as you please. Once you have abused that privilege, it takes a while and a whole lot of effort to get it back. Do not protest these measures based on your accumulated good behavior prior to "your mistake" -- that period of good behavior was in effect, after all, when you WERE actively cheating and lying, so it is no proof of anything. Therefore, if you will be late coming home from work, or have had a change in plans, inform your partner. Every time you leave the house your partner is now wondering if you are going where you say you are going. The best way to ease their insecurities is to check in throughout the day. Invite your partner places you usually go alone like to the game, the gym or the mall. Let your partner know that you have nothing to hide. Additionally, do not hide your cell phone or set the ringer on silent. If your partner requests, give them your email and voice mail pass codes. In fact, if you have nothing to hide, then offer your partner the codes without them having to ask. Don't lock your cell phone, call log or address book, and don't clear internet browsing history. Offer to let your partner see any and all of your mail, including your phone bills, and keep the credit card or bank statements in plain view on the kitchen table. Although your partner may never choose to check these things, the simple fact that you made them available for his/her perusal will be a HUGE step in regaining their trust. In fact, the more openness you demonstrate, the less urgency your spouse will feel to check in on your activities -- and that need may eventually disappear with successful rebuilding of the relationship. Although you may feel as though some of these are a violation of your privacy, you need to know that these steps are absolutely NECESSARY if you are trying to rebuild trust. Saying that you are on the straight and narrow while insisting on your right to continue to hide things is counterproductive to your stated goal of wanting to rebuild your relationship.

·         Be prepared to answer questions. It is extremely difficult for a betrayed spouse to know that there is another man/woman in the world who has more information about their marriage then themselves. Your partner is going to want lots of details and ask questions about things you may not want to answer, but too bad. Your partner is going to cross reference your prior stories and ask you to confirm if “this” or “that” was a lie. She/he is grappling with the truth about all those little things that did not add up while you were lying, and if you "gaslighted" your spouse during that time (allowed them or encouraged them to believe that they were imagining things), this is another injury that they will need to heal from. You simply need to fess up. The worse thing you can do is to conceal information because you don't want to hurt your partner. Remember, they have already been hurt beyond belief, so continuing to withhold additional information gives the appearance of an attempt to continue the deception. Therefore, asking multiple questions helps the betrayed partner get up to speed, thus obtaining necessary information to deal with feelings of being in the dark while their partner was trying to hide things from them.

·         Do not ever attempt to dictate the length of time the betrayed partner's recovery should take. You are the one who brought mistrust into the relationship, and therefore, you are in no position to dictate when the betrayed partner should be “over it”. The distress, suspiciousness, and distrust that follow the discovery of a betrayal are natural and appropriate in the case of a traumatic disruption such as this. Remember that, even though your relationship may have needed work before the betrayal, your spouse's reality was just ripped away from her/him by the one person they thought they could trust above all others. Not only is the intimate nature of infidelity extremely painful, the experience of being subjected to overt, repeated lies is emotionally destructive. On top of it all, in the midst of this crisis, your spouse has lost the person to whom they could have turned to for support in the past: you, or at least the "you" that they thought they knew. It will likely take a while to fully heal. Your relationship with your spouse during this time is not necessarily an indicator of how it will be from now on. Anticipate that your spouse will be on a roller coaster of emotions. Mood changes, sleep and appetite disruption, health declines, and sudden tears or withdrawal are natural. They will be alright today and devastated again tomorrow. Just know that they also want to get rid of all the pain and hurt too as soon as possible. In time, with full honesty and emotional openness, you can begin to recover your relationship's equilibrium. The truth of the matter is, your partner may never fully be “over it”, but may still learn how to mentally move past the lies, or abuse. When a person is hurting, they typically share their pain with the closest person to them. As their partner, you are the one they need to vent to, even though it is you that caused the pain. Additionally, you may feel as though since you've confessed, apologized and vowed to remain honest and good, things should now return to normal. That is simply NOT the case. One of the worst things that can happen is for you to begin acting as though its “business as usual”. Deciding to remain in a relationship after your partner has betrayed your trust, or hurt you is a Major decision and one which can be both very humiliating and enormously stressful. DO NOT downplay the GREAT MAGNITUDE of that decision by behaving as though nothing happened. For the next few years, you should make an effort to periodically wrap your arms around your partner, kiss them, and THANK them for opening the door to your reconciliation. Additionally, 'acknowledge' how much the betrayal hurt your partner, how difficult it must be to move past it, and vow to do whatever necessary to make things better…forever. Although it may seem to you as though such actions will only revive the pain, that is simply not the case. The betrayal is already with your partner every day. Acknowledging the degree of pain you put your partner through, and expressing appreciation for another chance gives the betrayed partner the impression that you not only are mindful of their pain, but that as long as you are aware of their struggle to overcome the ordeal, you will be less likely to make such awful choices again in the future.

·         Choose your battles wisely. Keep in mind that now is not necessarily the time to pick fights over certain topics, particularly those related to privacy and possessiveness. Your partner is feeling betrayed and frightened; it is only natural for them in this state to project those fears onto situations that bear (in their mind) any resemblance to past events of hurt and betrayal. You have shaken their feelings of security in the relationship and in the world, and it is openness and understanding that will gain this back, not combativeness and arguments. Rather than angrily asserting your rights, you will do much better to gain their trust by assuring them of their importance to you and soothing their bruised ego and wounded heart with compliments and understanding.

·         Do not behave inappropriately or create future problems. Don't put yourself in situations which will cause your partner undue stress. Putting your friends before your partner, spending time with friends or co-workers of opposite sex, commenting on the attractiveness of other people, or forming new relationships soon after a betrayal or hurtful event is not wise. It is extremely selfish and disrespectful to your partner. During the time when rebuilding trust is of utmost importance, putting other people or activities before your partner will only deepen the mistrust and feelings of resentment. Furthermore, it will set back the progress of healing and is like "starting over" in their mind. Attempting to secretly spend time with others is even worse. It won't hurt your spouse to know that another man/woman is contacting you as much as it will devastate them to discover you are again hiding information. Believe me, during this time of broken trust, full disclosure is always the best route.

·         Use this opportunity to create a new relationship with your partner and with yourself. Be open to opportunities to deepen honesty, to live out your values and ideals in public and private, and to bring each other closer together. Your partner may now view you as a stranger and your relationship as broken, and they're right to think so. You may even feel like a stranger to yourself as you reflect on your choices to engage in behaviors that you are not proud of, and your reliance upon deception and secrecy to hide them. Fight to REALLY live as the partner and the human being that you want to be. The key is to forge a new relationship in as many ways as possible. Not only will this approach help you and your spouse address the betrayal (and other issues as well), many couples who succeed in this effort frequently describe their relationship afterward as more fulfilling and joyful than at any time in their lives. Finding new places to spend time and share activities together can help this. Make sure that he or she and everyone around you (i.e.family, friends, children) can see that your partner means the world to you and is NOW being put first in your life. Speak highly of your partner in a genuine way, being careful to protect their reputation when you speak to others--talking badly about them behind their backs is not only a BIG MISTAKE but also BAD BEHAVIOR (it may also reflect badly on you as their partner). You and your partner (and your children, if you have them) are one family that must protect, support, and lift each other up all the time. This may even be an opportunity, in the fullness of time and once the recovery process is well on its way, to renew your wedding vows if you are married. Work with your partner to create something new, stronger,and more open and honest -- and therefore not threatened by the mistakes of the past or the possibility of future betrayals.

Edit Tips

• Also, schedule an appointment with a good counselor as soon as possible, so the two of you can discuss your problems with an experienced counselor who can help you both repair the marriage.
• Remember that the days and weeks immediately following the discovery of the affair are of vital importance, and your actions during this time will greatly determine the speed of your recovery. If your spouse feels supported, loved, respected, and safe discussing his/her feelings during this time, your chances of recovery will be greatly improved. If, on the other hand, your spouse feels alone, ignored, and in the dark, it will be much more difficult to reestablish their trust later.
• If your spouse asks you to do something for them to help them recover from the affair (such as read this article, if they have indeed posted it on the fridge), do it right away. Do not make them ask twice. Putting off such things only communicates to your spouse that their feelings are unimportant to you, and that you lack the proper remorse for what you've done. Nothing should be more important to you right now than helping your spouse recover from this. You caused this pain and should be doing everything in your power to make it up to him/her.
• One important factor to keep in mind is that, even though your spouse will ask you to compare them to the other man/woman (was she prettier/sexier, etc), they are also interested in knowing how they are better than the other person, even if they don't directly ask. In fact, many of these questions are disguised opportunities for you to tell them so. In other words, balance something good about the other person with something you liked better about your spouse.
• Pay close attention to your spouse. Your spouse has (probably) never been through this before, and may be too distraught to articulate what s/he needs. It is, in part, your responsibility to try to predict/account for these needs. Whenever possible, avoid making your spouse ask you for things they need from you during this time; doing so puts them in a weak position, and they're already weak enough. Remember: just because they're not bringing it up, doesn't mean it's not on their mind. Be as proactive as possible. Ask them if they are eating, sleeping, drinking water and if they are okay. These things may seem like the basic things in life however your spouse is in a traumatic state and will most likely not be functioning normally.
• Be on the lookout for seemingly unrelated discussions that may be projections of this issue. Keep in mind that although you may be arguing passionately about who last did the dishes, you may actually be arguing about the affair in some tangential way though this should be discussed in a counseling session to be sure(i.e. how much time you dedicated to the relationship outside of your marriage). It is sometimes difficult to tell what factors will trigger your spouse's thoughts about the affair - in fact, your spouse may not even realize that they are projecting these issues onto seemingly day-to-day arguments. A good rule of thumb is to assume that any argument in which your spouse seems unduly angry about a seemingly small thing may fall into this category. If this happens, it's unwise to simply back down, as doing so may establish a submissive pattern you will regret later. However, keep in mind that your partner is in an 'unpredictable and tumultuous emotional state', and be as understanding as you can.
• Remember that the paranoia, anger, and distrust that follow the discovery of an affair are all natural, and may take a while to fully heal. Your relationship with your spouse during this time is not necessarily an indicator of how it will be from now on. Anticipate that the victim spouse will be in roller coaster of emotions. Mood changes in them are natural. They will be alright today and devastated again tomorrow. Just know that they also want to get rid of all the pain and hurt too as soon as possible. In time, with full honesty and emotional openness, you will begin to recover your relationship's equilibrium. *Be grateful. Your spouse is deciding to remain with you after your betrayal. No matter how angry, petty, or unpredictable they get, they have shown a great love for you and, in many cases, a great strength of character in choosing to try to trust you again. Give this decision, and your partner, the deserved respect and gratitude.
• Your spouse may need closure through seeing the "break-up" email or listening to you tell the other person that things are done. Your spouse wants to hear or see you tell the other person that your marriage, family, and they themselves are important. If you don't want to put the other person "through that" consider how much they, through their affair with you, have put your spouse through. The other person had the luxury of knowing they were becoming involved with a married person - your spouse didn't know or get to to make any decisions if this is someone you work with remember it is very hard for your spouse to start to trust you knowing you see this person on a day to day basis. You need to do what it takes to remove yourself from this. Where are your priorities: at work or your marriage? If you don't offer closure there will never be any. If something is more important than your marriage then you need to relay this to your spouse and not lead them along to only hurt them in the future. Your spouse does not need to consider the feelings of the other person. They know that person had no consideration of their feelings. Giving your spouse closure will go a long, long way in improving their emotions and in helping them heal. If they never hear or see you tell the other person things are over, they may never fully believe or process that you have. If your spouse wants this, it is very important to let them have it, even if it is an embarrassment for you to do so.