Life, Love, Death and Betrayal

Life is full of ups and downs.  One just needs to be observant and look around at the issues going on in the world today.  So many esoteric events impact our individual lives.  It's like a pebble that is dropped in calm water.  On initial impact the surface tension of the water is disrupted and the kinetic energy causes ripples to form, the magnitude directly proportional to the size of the rock.  

The problems (the rocks) we face in life (the water surface) create ripple effects the same.  One thing for certain in life is we will always have to deal with ripples whether from the problems direct in our lives or as a byproduct of problems in the lives of those around us.  Many people fear and are ill prepared to cope with the ripples.  I have found that the best way to cope is to understand that nothing is as bad as it seems and in most instances, we manufacture much more dire circumstances than, what in actuality, even the worst problem would manifest.  Think about it, the worst possible outcome and the one end result most people fear is death.  I have found that there is something worse than death and that is betrayal.  In life and love through the highs and lows, being betrayed can cause a person to long for death to escape the hurt, uncertainty and pain of total loss of trust placed in another.  Betrayal can be at the hands of a loved one, family, a friend or employer.  Most have experienced hurt and betrayal from one of the above and unfortunately some have experienced from multiple people from those categories.  The degree of hurt varies to the closeness of the  relationship but each cause ripples felt long after the initial impact.  Each ripple is representative of the feelings of hurt, emptiness, anger, bitterness and loneliness that one has the draining task of living with day to day.  Dealing with such emotions is difficult. Some turn to drugs and alcohol to numb the emptiness they feel to the degree that their very existence is identified and hinges on the use of a substance.  Should the drug/alcohol be removed they would be lost and struggle to find their identity.  Others retreat within themselves, shutting out the world around them, unable and unwilling to open themselves up to trust again.  The rawness of emotion causing apprehension in just the thoughts of functioning in society.  There are those that allow anger and bitterness to burn as fuel to morph into an individual bent on vindication.  They fundamentally ignore compassion and sympathy with determination to never again allow themselves to be in a position to be the betrayed.  

I have experienced betrayal at multiple levels- family, loved ones, friends and employers.  Each have presented with a different magnitude but all formed ripples that I will be dealing with the rest of my life.  I have struggled and found myself dealing in the different ways.  The varying magnitudes proved that there are definitely worse things than death and I can understand the peaceful longing for such an escape.  However, through it all I found that with a few exceptions, things are never as bad as what they seem and regardless of our innate desires nothing good ever comes from completely trusting anyone.  

"MISERY LOVES COMPANY"

People who are unhappy get  consolation from knowing that others are unhappy as well.  I believe that many that are unhappy do not intentionally set out with intent to "drag" others down to a place of unhappiness but rather the unhappy person is in same manner expecting that their unhappiness will dissipate and lead to happiness.  A prime example occurs in marriage when one spouse becomes disillusioned with their life and partner.  They search, due to their unhappiness, for someone with whom they believe that they will be happy.  An affair occurs and eventually a divorce at which time they marry the one that precipitated the divorce.  The one the spouse thought would bring them happiness.  The reality is that it never works out just as expected.  He/She finds that soon they are actually more unhappy in their present relationship than they were in the one that led to committing adultery to get away.  At that point the sum total of all that are miserable has increased beyond just the one to include the exspouse, children, family and new partner.  Taking an accurate inventory one would find that never is just one person responsible.  I mean, in the life of the unhappy spouse the source of the unhappiness(misery) is not that way based solely on their partner but unfortunately people have a tendency to always assign blame on someone else and the one person closest to them is in most cases the "reason".  Nevermind any psychiatric issues such as depression, bipolar disorder, etc in the unhappy spouse.  Now here is the "perfect storm", a "unhappy" spouse reaches out to an "unhappy" single individual and one or both suffer from a mental illness.  In the minds of both, the other is exactly what is necessary to be happy and they move forward.  Talk about total meltdown on both ends.  Alot of causulties lay in the wake of the volitile and compromised thought processes of both individuals. An unhappy, miserable person does nothing but make others unhappy and miserable. 
Fact is that a person should never place the burden of total happiness on another.  Yes, spouses should enjoy doing for and giving each other what is necessary to be comfortable and happy physically, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually.  The most important thing in my opinion is that each spouse NOT do the things that they know will bring  hurt and pain on the other regardless of their perceived state of happiness.  Truth as I know it is that if you love someone then hurting them in any way is not an option.  If you love someone then why make them miserable as well?  I understand the selfishness of someone who is outside a relationship thinking that "if only I had so and so(one of the spouses) in my life I would be happy" not caring of the unhappiness and hurt they cause in their attempts to be "happy".  I cant understand why "so and so" would want to inflict that unhappiness on those he/she supposedly loves.  But anyway, statistics have shown that misery follows the spouse that steps outside of marriage seeking "happiness".  The reason- it was in the marriage already but boredom masquerading as unhappiness led misery to find company.

Lust does not equal love!!!!

I hear all the time, from teenagers as well as those who suffer mental illness, so and so(insert name here) "is the love of my life". I have also heard "I love so and so and always will"(only to find that in the future "so and so" is now viewed as the devil incarnate and another "always love" exists. Looking to find similarities between the "love" in the teen aged mind and the "love" in the mind of those suffering mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder, antisocial personality disorder and BPD for example one major similarity is immature perceptions. "Love" is based purely on physiological response to another person. As teenagers, specifically males, the surge in testosterone makes him "love" any girl who will spread her legs for him. This is lust, not love. In adults suffering mental illness hormones/endorphins play a similar role only it's not because of a consistent high level but rather surges being released during times of excitement(such as that occurs when doing something dangerous, illegal or from the introduction of drugs such as alcohol and other illicit substances). They feel "better" about life and if another person is involved then they assign the label "love" to their feeling toward the other person when in actuality it is the Situation, not the person bringing about the feelings.
Now, if you have a teen who also suffers a personality disorder then the lust they experience can be
Inaccurately transcribed into memory. An guy I know of has done just that... He is verifiable mentally Ill and multiple psychiatric hospital admissions has been unsuccessful in helping him. He had a brief encounter with a girl when he was in high school(now 41). He has been married and divorced. His adult life has been searching for "love"(due to his bipolar/ASPD he is incapable of)
But once his true self(long legal history, inability to maintain gainful employment, abuse of alcohol and psychiatric history) the women rightfully distance themselves from him. After exhausting his options he decides to draw upon the false memories and search out one girl who made the mistake of becoming involved with him briefly during the teen years. She is married(21 years) with a family which does not stop him from pursuing(prime example of his mental illness). It's very important to note that he had not seen nor spoken to her in over 25 years but he "loves her and always has" and "his love for her and his heart having always been hers is the reason none of his relationships have worked out"(never mind that he is mentally ill and incapable of maintaining a relationship of any sort- parents, children, friends, etc). He spins lie after lie painting the picture of who he wants her to see when in reality he is exactly opposite. His endorphins surge due to trying to seduce a woman who is married to another man and in his immature and
Mentally Ill mind, the "feeling" from the surge is "love". Truth is, any woman that shows him attention that he perceives will lead to what he wants- sex, he would "fall in love with". He would insist and declare his love from the rooftops as long as he is getting what he wanted but just like a teenager, once he tires(the endorphins no longer surge) or sets his sights on another(which will happen as soon as she begins to see the true him and realizes she made a huge mistake) he will discard her with contempt.
I am amazed at the behavior and distortions of reality that occurs in adults stemming from mental illness that existed during teen years. Love at first sight does not exist... Lust at first sight does. True Love develops as two people spend time with one another. Not days or a few weeks but months and years. Love comes from sharing good times, bad times, laughing and crying together. It doesn't occur during hormone surged intimacy as a teen. The fact that someone, anyone can claim a lifetime of relationship failures on a brief intimate encounter at 16 or 17 is ridiculous! Definite mental illness! Simply put, lust is not love and to not know the difference is plain pathetic! I don't know any grown woman who wants a man that is
That delusional.