Life, Love, Death and Betrayal

Life is full of ups and downs.  One just needs to be observant and look around at the issues going on in the world today.  So many esoteric events impact our individual lives.  It's like a pebble that is dropped in calm water.  On initial impact the surface tension of the water is disrupted and the kinetic energy causes ripples to form, the magnitude directly proportional to the size of the rock.  

The problems (the rocks) we face in life (the water surface) create ripple effects the same.  One thing for certain in life is we will always have to deal with ripples whether from the problems direct in our lives or as a byproduct of problems in the lives of those around us.  Many people fear and are ill prepared to cope with the ripples.  I have found that the best way to cope is to understand that nothing is as bad as it seems and in most instances, we manufacture much more dire circumstances than, what in actuality, even the worst problem would manifest.  Think about it, the worst possible outcome and the one end result most people fear is death.  I have found that there is something worse than death and that is betrayal.  In life and love through the highs and lows, being betrayed can cause a person to long for death to escape the hurt, uncertainty and pain of total loss of trust placed in another.  Betrayal can be at the hands of a loved one, family, a friend or employer.  Most have experienced hurt and betrayal from one of the above and unfortunately some have experienced from multiple people from those categories.  The degree of hurt varies to the closeness of the  relationship but each cause ripples felt long after the initial impact.  Each ripple is representative of the feelings of hurt, emptiness, anger, bitterness and loneliness that one has the draining task of living with day to day.  Dealing with such emotions is difficult. Some turn to drugs and alcohol to numb the emptiness they feel to the degree that their very existence is identified and hinges on the use of a substance.  Should the drug/alcohol be removed they would be lost and struggle to find their identity.  Others retreat within themselves, shutting out the world around them, unable and unwilling to open themselves up to trust again.  The rawness of emotion causing apprehension in just the thoughts of functioning in society.  There are those that allow anger and bitterness to burn as fuel to morph into an individual bent on vindication.  They fundamentally ignore compassion and sympathy with determination to never again allow themselves to be in a position to be the betrayed.  

I have experienced betrayal at multiple levels- family, loved ones, friends and employers.  Each have presented with a different magnitude but all formed ripples that I will be dealing with the rest of my life.  I have struggled and found myself dealing in the different ways.  The varying magnitudes proved that there are definitely worse things than death and I can understand the peaceful longing for such an escape.  However, through it all I found that with a few exceptions, things are never as bad as what they seem and regardless of our innate desires nothing good ever comes from completely trusting anyone.  

Cha..cha..changes...

After a well deserved hiatus and numerous major life changes, I'm baaaack! I must admit that, and this is saying a lot coming from a routine-a-holic, change is indeed good. I realized finally that if I had to work for an idiot that I may as well work for myself.. I am so thankful that my past part-time endeavor for a little extra blossomed into an opportunity to acquire the liberty to be my own boss. Someone whom I use to hold in high regard stated in obvious envy, prior to my decision, that I had situated myself to be accountable to no one. I'm not delusional enough to take ownership of that claim but I can say that I am selective of to whom I choose to be accountable. Isn't that the goal? When we place ourselves under accountability to another we are doing so to their strengths and weaknesses. With that in mind, we have to weigh whether the strengths overcome the potential drain of their weaknesses. The Declaration of Independence enshrines "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness" among the unalienable rights of all men. One is hypocritical to condemn another for having the courage to seek to obtain those three. Sadly men, who make mistakes in the face of sound advice that would have avoided them, will always seek to transfer blame to those that are accountable to them. That's human nature. It's a psychological defect called narcissism. We all suffer it to varying degrees. Some manage it better than others by maintaining an accurate introspective inventory. Again, the Declaration of Independence states, "All men are created equal". What forms the differences and uniqueness from person to person? Really understanding who we are- specifically our psychological variances/deficiencies and knowing the true source of our faith are the determining factors in an individuals success in obtaining Life, Liberty and Happiness.
During my hiatus I found that I had been placing myself in situations and relationships that were chronically draining to me. Why? Narcissistic individuals seek L.L.H through the work and sacrifice of others. They feel a sense of entitlement to "piggy back" on another's quest for one or all three. I determined that the best I could do for another is to "set the table" but "eating" is their responsibility. I can say this for sure, each individual is the author of their own success. Life, Liberty and Happiness is obtainable and is uniquely different in everyone and I am thankful for the experiences- good and bad, the people-contributors and leeches, and decisions- constructive and destructive that led me to this time in my life. Life is good, I am happy and for the first time I have liberty simply because I stood up, stepped out and made a choice to pare down the list of those whom I had been accountable. I encourage all to evaluate and take the step.... Make the changes necessary. Life is short. Don't waste it being drained . Don't allow another's weaknesses determine whether you have a life filled with happiness and freedom.

Branded Life

I took a little break to do some research and begin a new case study and during the "relaxation" revisited the focus of the previous one (it becomes entertaining with some individuals). Those that have been following know that the man that has been followed most recent suffers from anti-social personality disorder complicated by poorly controlled type I bi-polar disorder and chronic substance abuse. He was raised in a vagabond lifestyle (military brat) and continues as much out of necessity as a choice. He suffers delusions which has led him to weave a web of lies to define his history and enable him to engage in predatory behaviors. As is characteristic with ASPD, he has a self-centered perception of established boundaries. He has been unable to maintain a relationship as evident in his failed marriage(some interesting communication recently occurred between him and his ex on Facebook. It seems he mistook her simple attempts to be civil in communication as a sign she sought to re-initiate a romantic relationship... EMBARRASSING), his lack of interaction with his two children over their life(oldest son experiencing issues with legal authorities due to illegal narcotics possession which is direct damage from the dysfunctional relationship and absence of his father). He has also been unable to maintain gainful employment. When attempting to manipulate a female target he pulls from a few fictitious employment backgrounds... Mainly that he is receiving company sponsored disability after being injured and that allows him to follow his passion of music(DJ).
Also his lack of respect for boundaries resulted in numerous arrests between 1995 and 2010 ranging from DWI to stalking, to assault and battery on a female. All in all a rather extensive arrest record.
His substance abuse, particularly alcoholism is evident in his physical appearance.. Classic moon face, bulging eyes and "barrel belly" indicating thyroid damage and cortisol imbalance from the alcohol. This also exacerbates his psychiatric issues that have resulted in numerous psychiatric hospital admissions(both voluntary and involuntary) over the course of his life.
He applies himself diligently to portray himself as intelligent and sensitive(ploy to cover his true existence). One(even untrained) only needs to read his posts on Facebook to see the degree of his mental deficiencies. The song lyrics and "poems" he posts that he states he is "working on" show the true depth of his denial and delusion. First and foremost, they are CRAP. Absolutely ridiculous.. Second, each refers to how he has been "done wrong by society" or how his life and its state
is not his fault. He has stated that "he doesn't look for trouble but it always seems to find him". He has an extreme disdain for authority even going as far as openly posting a tirade ending in "Fuck the police"(as generally said by a true criminal and not by a law abiding citizen). Most recent he posted a link to the Merl Haggard song- Branded Man. Imagine for a second him sitting back listening to this song feeling the emptiness in his gut, maybe even a tear(if ASPD had feelings of guilt which most including him do not), thinking how the song applied to his life. His ASPD and bipolar disorder interferes with his ability to recognize the actual difference between the subject in the song and himself. The song refers to a man who committed crimes, was put in prison, realized his misdeeds, atoned for his crimes, changed his life learning to respect boundaries. This man in the song was truly sorry and wanted to live life anew once released but people kept reminding and holding his crimes against him. It was not deserved and tragic. In DE's life, he never learned the lessons from his punishment after over stepping boundaries. He just got bitter and refuses to acknowledge his accountability. Worse yet he will do anything his selfish, self-centered heart desires.... Stealing, cheating, lying, abusing women, attempting to break up marriages and continues to not take care of his family. He lives off tax payers hard earned money. In reality he can in no way identify with the song. He is not apologetic for his life and the choices he made. He deserves the life he has and truely deserves to be branded. Visual branding say on the forehead as a Warning to avoid. It's sad that some are so delusional that regardless their actions, it's always society that is wrong. All one can do is call then on their bull crap and protect against their manipulative attempts to interfere. They live in a prison of their own design and deserve every miserable aspect of their life as a consequence of their attitude and actions.

Lust does not equal love!!!!

I hear all the time, from teenagers as well as those who suffer mental illness, so and so(insert name here) "is the love of my life". I have also heard "I love so and so and always will"(only to find that in the future "so and so" is now viewed as the devil incarnate and another "always love" exists. Looking to find similarities between the "love" in the teen aged mind and the "love" in the mind of those suffering mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder, antisocial personality disorder and BPD for example one major similarity is immature perceptions. "Love" is based purely on physiological response to another person. As teenagers, specifically males, the surge in testosterone makes him "love" any girl who will spread her legs for him. This is lust, not love. In adults suffering mental illness hormones/endorphins play a similar role only it's not because of a consistent high level but rather surges being released during times of excitement(such as that occurs when doing something dangerous, illegal or from the introduction of drugs such as alcohol and other illicit substances). They feel "better" about life and if another person is involved then they assign the label "love" to their feeling toward the other person when in actuality it is the Situation, not the person bringing about the feelings.
Now, if you have a teen who also suffers a personality disorder then the lust they experience can be
Inaccurately transcribed into memory. An guy I know of has done just that... He is verifiable mentally Ill and multiple psychiatric hospital admissions has been unsuccessful in helping him. He had a brief encounter with a girl when he was in high school(now 41). He has been married and divorced. His adult life has been searching for "love"(due to his bipolar/ASPD he is incapable of)
But once his true self(long legal history, inability to maintain gainful employment, abuse of alcohol and psychiatric history) the women rightfully distance themselves from him. After exhausting his options he decides to draw upon the false memories and search out one girl who made the mistake of becoming involved with him briefly during the teen years. She is married(21 years) with a family which does not stop him from pursuing(prime example of his mental illness). It's very important to note that he had not seen nor spoken to her in over 25 years but he "loves her and always has" and "his love for her and his heart having always been hers is the reason none of his relationships have worked out"(never mind that he is mentally ill and incapable of maintaining a relationship of any sort- parents, children, friends, etc). He spins lie after lie painting the picture of who he wants her to see when in reality he is exactly opposite. His endorphins surge due to trying to seduce a woman who is married to another man and in his immature and
Mentally Ill mind, the "feeling" from the surge is "love". Truth is, any woman that shows him attention that he perceives will lead to what he wants- sex, he would "fall in love with". He would insist and declare his love from the rooftops as long as he is getting what he wanted but just like a teenager, once he tires(the endorphins no longer surge) or sets his sights on another(which will happen as soon as she begins to see the true him and realizes she made a huge mistake) he will discard her with contempt.
I am amazed at the behavior and distortions of reality that occurs in adults stemming from mental illness that existed during teen years. Love at first sight does not exist... Lust at first sight does. True Love develops as two people spend time with one another. Not days or a few weeks but months and years. Love comes from sharing good times, bad times, laughing and crying together. It doesn't occur during hormone surged intimacy as a teen. The fact that someone, anyone can claim a lifetime of relationship failures on a brief intimate encounter at 16 or 17 is ridiculous! Definite mental illness! Simply put, lust is not love and to not know the difference is plain pathetic! I don't know any grown woman who wants a man that is
That delusional.