6 TIPS TO OVERCOMING INFIDELITY

There are six pieces of advice for any couple facing infidelity on how to make your relationship work post-infidelity.

 Here are three tips for the betrayed spouse:

 1. Understand the reality of this affair. It does make a difference if the wayward spouse had sex with another or not.  If he/she didn't have sex with the other man/woman, it is still infidelity.

 If the wayward spouse did have sex with him/her, that is really difficult to get over, but it can be done if it isn't a behavioral pattern. The rule of thumb with affairs is this: if it happens once, you can get over it. If it happens twice or more, it's a pattern, and you can't get over it because it will happen again.

 

2. Make a decision about the wayward spouse's character. If you believe that the wayward spouse is fundamentally untrustworthy, move on. You will always feel like you're settling and he/she will feel like she can never prove herself.

 However, if you believe that he/she made this one mistake, but overall you know him/her to be a person of integrity and someone you can trust, then embrace the person you know him/her to be. Set aside the mind-chatter about what he/she did with this man/woman and return to your previous mindset of who he/she is — a person you can trust and love.

Guard your thoughts and feelings about him/her and never let yourself doubt him/her again. Your love and trust will lift him/her up and she/he will shine.

 3. Take responsibility for your side of this. You didn't cause the wayward spouse's behavior, but affairs are often a symptom of underlying issues in the relationship that have not been addressed.

Look hard in the mirror and ask yourself what, if anything, you may have done or not done that contributed to him/her seeking intimacy with another. If you can work on your side of the fence, it will only strengthen your relationship going forward.

 Now, here are three tips for betraying spouse:

 1. Fix the underlying issue. First stop ALL contact with the other after composing a letter to the other stating your intentions to stay exclusive to your spouse and detailing the hurt your actions have caused and how the relationship was a MISTAKE AND WILL NEVER BE and allowing your spouse to send via mail. Make a public apology and take responsibility and be  accountable. Now, your job is to assess what drove the behavior in the first place. Some possible causes are emotional insecurity driving you to seek constant adoration from another, lack of communication in your primary relationship or serious doubts about your primary relationship that you didn't want to confront.

 Once you identify the underlying issue, go to work on it diligently. Yes, it will feel like the crisis is over, but don't be fooled. Changing negative relationship patterns is hard work and takes persistence.

2. Don't expect instant trust just because you've made amends. One common mistake of those who cheat is apologizing once or twice and then expecting it to be all okay again with their partners. Realize that his/her emotions may lag behind yours.

 The betrayed spouse may have flashbacks from mental pictures and from reading or hearing words that should have belonged exclusively to them and feel the betrayal all over again. Make room and space in your heart and emotions to comfort him/her when he/she feels that way. New relationship experiences and intimacy should replace the bad images, but that takes time.

 3. Don't grovel endlessly. This will sound like a contradiction to my previous tip, but it's not. Eventually, the offender has to stop apologizing. It's demeaning to you to grovel and beg for forgiveness for months on end.

There is a responsibility that your partner has to decide, forgive and move on. At some point, if that isn't happening, you have to bring that to his attention, firmly and lovingly.

Long-term, loving relationships take commitment and work. Post-affair, a couple can forge a new connection that is far more honest and far healthier. Most couples need help with this process, so if this happens in your relationship, get professional guidance. Seek out and gain support from people who will empower your journey to reunite in love and renewed commitment.

Whichever side you are on, if you follow these steps you are giving your relationship a fair chance at making it through this hard time

Justifying Infidelity Internally

How Straying Partners Tend To Justify Infidelity Internally

“What goes through the mind of a straying spouse during an affair?” This is a question that may run through the mind of a victim of a cheating spouse. Meghan Cole, a psychotherapist, suggests that most often, if not always, cheating is something someone chooses to do. Cheating is not something that “just happened”; it is something that was planned out.

Here are 2 ways that we justify internally or talk ourselves into reasoning with the idea of infidelity prior to actually cheating according to Cole:

 Denial

The first and most common way that patients report talking to themselves prior to cheating on their spouse is through denial. Denial is when we insist to ourselves or others that something is untrue. For this column we are going to focus on our self-talk. Prior to an affair, a person may deny the implications or consequences of their proposed future actions. This may sound like “we’ll get through it,” “she’ll never divorce me,” or “it’s not really that bad when you think about it.” These statements are statements that I’ve heard from patients recalling self-talk from prior to the start of an affair.

Now in counseling due to the repercussions of an affair, the patients are often able to see these thoughts as red flags, but prior did not recognize them as troubling. Now statements like “I’ll only do it once” seem ridiculous and obviously not true but hopeful. Another common theme includes denying that what you are doing, maybe having an emotional affair, is not wrong because it’s not a physical affair, or justifying kissing because it is not sex.

Many times the person engaging in an affair is exerting unfair control in the marriage. Inappropriate use of power and control in marriage is synonymous with abuse, however infidelity is rarely thought of as abusive by the infidel. I challenge you to think this way by recognizing how the physical and emotional safety of your spouse is being violated.

 Acceptance

The second way that many people justify infidelity internally is by accepting that they need more from the marriage. This looks less l ike denial and sometimes more like anger. “I had been trying to tell him for years!” or “She always took me for granted” people will say justifying an affair after the fact. In reality, these thoughts were there prior to the affair also, but most likely not shared in a healthy way with the spouse.

 Women often feel lonely and want to have someone make them feel “special,” important, and listened to. Men often want attention, creativity, and to feel handsome or sexy to someone. Men may want to add on perks to their marriage whereas women tend to look for a replacement of an emotional gap. Whether your male or female doesn’t matter when you think about a healthy marriage as an entire pie, and then an unhealthy marriage with one of the above things, a piece of pie, missing.

 Couples that recognize a lack of healthy communication or thoughts like these should seek professional help soon. Professional counseling services can help you organize and share your frustrated thoughts so that they are heard to your satisfaction. Cheating on your spouse is not a way to transition out of marriage.

 Cheating is a complicated issue and never justified.  It's always important to think about how you would feel if it were your spouse cheating on you.  If you are in an unhealthy marriage, try to make it better instead of putting time and energy into someone else.

Manic phase again.... ROFL

As I have stated, one can accurately trend the cycles of a sociopath with bipolar disorder simply by watching for patterns.  When they are in their depressed phase, you hardly ever hear anything from them.  They appear to have dropped off the face of the earth but when they are in their manic phase, "whoa Nelly..."  Below is some recent FB posts by a sociopath with bipolar disorder for which he has been hospitalized numerous times over his life).  Either he is manic, drunk or just plain stupid but either way this is roll on the floor till my sides hurt funny and ridiculous: 



"the last few post are of songs that i am working on if theree are any questions and by the way do not pet the buffalo"

Like · · Share · 14 hours ago ·

 

"stop"

"do you hear that

 that sound that is ringing in your ears

 that is your heart beat

  it is letting you know that you have realy messed up this time

 i know you have been talking

 you have been talking alot of shit

 it doesnt bother me

 but this time you have gone too far

 your headed for a good old fashion

 ass beating

 their aint no fight for flight

 just the hospital emergancy room

 boy i hope that you go insurance

do you hear that

 that ringing in your ears

 its your heartbeat

letting you know

you messed up"

Like · · Share · 14 hours ago

 THAT ONE IS ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS AND IS ONE OF THE MOST RIDICULOUS THINGS I HAVE EVER READ.  NO MENTALLY HEALTHY 41 YEAR OLD WOULD EVEN CONSIDER THIS TO BE GOOD SONG LYRICS.  SOUNDS LIKE AN IMMATURE TEENAGER.  WOW!  PSYCHOLOGICALLY THOUGH MORE THAN LIKELY THIS WAS A RELEASE THAT FED HIS DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR.  HARNESSED CORRECTLY AND THIS COULD BE A GOOD THERAPY TOOL FOR HIM HOWEVER WITHOUT THE STRUCTURE THAT A THERAPIST AND PSYCHIATRIST WOULD PROVIDE, MORE THAN LIKELY HE ENVISIONED OTHERS IN HIS PAST THAT PUT HIM IN HIS PLACE... THOSE THAT HE THINKS OF AS BETTER THAN HIM AND RECEIVED AN ADRENALINE RUSH PLACING THEM IN THE ROLE AS THE ONE THAT "MESSED UP".  TRUTH BE KNOWN, AS IT IS IN MANY WITH THIS PSYCHIATRIC CONDITION, HE PLACES HIMSELF IN SITUATIONS WHERE HE WAS WRONG GOING IN AND THEN "LOSES" OR GETS "HUMILIATED" WHETHER BY ANOTHER PERSON OR BY A GOVERNING AUTHORITY SO HE IS THE ONE ACTUALLY "MESSING UP".  LOL...

 

"did you see her

 walk in the door

 everybody stoped

 everybody staired

 she is the kind of girl

 that every man wants

 she is the kind of girl

that every woman hates

 she's got the hair

 she's got the top

 but dam

 she's got the ass

 the ass that won't quit

maken every man in the house dream about all night long

 yeah

 she's that kinda girl"

Like · · Share · 14 hours ago

 

OK... MY EYES ARE TEARING UP AS I AM NOW LAUGHING SO HARD.... AGAIN THIS PLAYS INTO HIS NARCISSISM AND DELUSIONS.  THIS "GIRL", IN HIS MIND, WALKS IN AND 'EVERY MAN WANTS' BUT TO TAKE IT FURTHER, SHE CHOOSES HIM.  AGAIN, A SOLID THERAPY TOOL IF USED IN THE CORRECT ENVIRONMENT.  WHAT I SEE HERE IS A MAN THAT IS CONSTANTLY REJECTED.  HE WOULD NEVER GET THE KIND OF GIRL THAT HE REFERENCES.  YES, SHE MAY WALK THROUGH THE DOOR BUT HE WOULD LEAVE ALONE THROUGH THE SAME DOOR DESTINED FOR LOTION AND KLEENEX.  MORE THAN LIKELY TYPED IT SITTING ALONE AT HIS COMPUTER IN HIS UNDERWEAR WITH CHEETO STAINED FINGERS AND CRUMBS ON HIS BELLY.   

 

"though the road may be dark and gray

 you have to hold your head up

 sometimes

sometimes things don't work out

 i would give anyting

anything

to go back to when it was

when it was that i thougt that i was happy

 but that is just what it is

 keeping me from tomarrow"

Like · · Share · 14 hours ago ·

 

THIS ONE SOUNDS A LITTLE LIKE SELF INTROSPECTION... HOW HE WENT FROM THIS TO THE MORONIC "SONGS HE'S WORKING ON" IS A MYSTERY.  FACT IS MANY THINGS "DONT WORK OUT" WHEN A PERSON IS NOT MENTALLY STABLE TO SUPPORT AND MAINTAIN WHATEVER IT IS THAT FAILED.

 

THE REALLY  REALLY SAD PART IS THAT SOMEONE ACTUALLY "LIKED" THEM ON FB.  BIRDS OF A FEATHER I GUESS.  LOL

SOCIOPATHS AND STALKING.

Paradoxically, sociopaths are egomaniacs without pride. Their shamelessness, lack of boundaries and hunger for control often leads them to relentlessly pursue individuals who don’t want them, and who repeatedly reject them. Normal human beings not only don’t desire to stalk others because they have boundaries, but also they would feel too deeply embarrassed and humiliated to continue pursuing individuals who have rejected them over and over again.

This common sense logic does NOT apply to sociopaths. In fact, like in the movie Fatal Attraction and many other films about disordered creepy individuals, sociopaths ESPECIALLY pursue those who don’t want them. Not only directly, through stalking and cyberstalking, but also indirectly, by manipulating other individuals under their control to stalk and harass the targets who have rejected them.

Being social predators driven by the need for power and control, sociopaths can’t take rejection. Like with any predatory behavior, observing, following and stalking the prey is part and parcel of what sociopaths do. Sometimes their harmful behavior is opportunistic, as is the case with serial killers who seize the moment–and their victims–without observing them for an extended period of time in advance. But very often sociopaths plan their actions cold-heartedly and methodically in advance: and not only as they pertain to violent crimes, but also as they pertain to getting anything they want: your money, your body, your heart and/or your life.

At the beginning of the relationship stalking behavior may seem romantic. It’s presented under the guise of not being able to be away from you; needing you all the time, wanting you. However, this constant attention masks the predator’s main intent: to control you and isolate you from others. Consequently, even in the most pleasant and blinding phase of a relationship with a sociopath–the honeymoon phase–dangerous individuals exhibit predatory behavior and traits.

After the victim ends a relationship with a sociopath, this behavior is likely to escalate into downright stalking. This happens for the reasons I have explained in previous articles:

1) sociopaths, being control-driven individuals, can’t take rejection

2) sociopaths, being control-driven, also don’t like to relinquish control over their targets

3) sociopaths, being control-driven, want to WIN. To them, winning means catching their targets into their spider’s nets and destroying them

4) sociopaths, being control-driven, want to exact vengeance and intimidate those who no longer worship them, want them, or obey them blindly.

Notice that the common denominator that explains sociopath behavior is the fact that sociopaths need to be IN CONTROL. They are principally motivated by the need to exercise power over others. Stalking behavior is a common strategy that sociopaths use to intimidate their non-compliant victims and an effort to punish them and regain control. For their victims, this is particularly difficult to deal with because stalking laws vary from state to state and because stalking–particularly cyberstalking–is very difficult to establish under the current laws. Generally speaking, one must establish a pattern of stalking as well as harmful intent and threat to safety: all from the same source/stalker. Since stalkers can be very stealthy and know how to erase their traces, reroute their IP address and easily get new email addresses, it’s not easy to take legal action against a sociopathic (cyber)stalker.

However, I’d advise victims to keep all the emails, texts, Facebook messages and wall posts, phone bills as evidence of (cyber)stalking and share it immediately with the authorities, their therapist, their friends and others. The more evidence is out there which pertains to the harassment, the better your chances become for taking effective legal action against the sociopath and even putting him in jail for his crime. Also I recommend exposing the sociopath by posting scans of the email and message transcripts along with their picture and outcome of criminal background searches with arrest history particularly that involve trespassing, cyberstalking, assault and battery(especially perpetrated on a female), resisting arrest, DWI's on appropriate web sites(cheaterville, playerblock, Jayden Hills) and forums as a warning to others. Any single or combination of the above offenses especially if they occur more than once indicates the sociopaths lack of respect for existing boundaries (legal and personal) plus the assault and resisting arrest is indicative of the "win at all costs mentality". Pay attention as well to any civil judgments, bankruptcy and employment history because the sociopath feels that everything is owed to them and most live a life proclaiming that they are the "victims" and will look to welfare system or disability as primary means of income while they live a nomadic lifestyle- moving from place to place.
As its been said, "the best defense is a good offense!" Expose the sociopath for what he is and utilize the legal system to put him in his place which is a nobody that will never have anything but a miserable life.

Post Infidelity PTSD

When you first found out you were betrayed by your partner, it probably felt like the rug has been pulled out from under your feet. Everything you knew to be true and valid in the world, suddenly had no meaning. You started doubting yourself, your judgement, your perceptions. Nothing was as it seemed. Your world was turned upside down. Your perceptions of the world were shattered.
Everywhere you went, there were constant reminders (called triggers) of the affair. EVERYWHERE! Even though you logically now know (hopefully) the affair is over, you can’t seem to shake this panicky, anxiety-ridden feeling. All too often your heart is pounding, your brain is fuzzy, your memory is shot to hell, you get emotional easily. Your sense of trust has been violated, and when that goes, you start questioning, exactly what is safe? Anything??? You might be thinking you are going crazy, but most likely you’re experiencing a form of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. (There are physiological reasons that pertain to this as well, fueled by your inherent survival mechanism.)
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition , Text Revision or DSM-IV-TR, the manual used to diagnose psychological issues, PTSD occurs when a “person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or other.” In addition, “the person’s response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror.” It is safe to say, in most cases, a partner’s betrayal had nothing to do with death or physical injury, but the second part is experienced to some degree by all.
However, I believe there’s a case to be made there HAS been a death – the death of your relationship as far as what you previously perceived to be true. With all deaths, according to Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, there are five distinct stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance; which don’t necessarily have to occur in this exact order. Are you beginning to see a correlation? In order to heal completely from the pain of betrayal of infidelity, eventually you will need to go through all of these stages.
Now back to the betrayal and PTSD analogy. I’ll bet previously you had thought only something akin to soldiers returning from a war could cause PTSD, right? Wrong! Many people experience PTSD and have no idea that’s what’s going on – AND there’s a pretty substantial chance this may be exactly what you’ve been going through.
Let me go over some of the other required criteria (somewhat paraphrased here) for a diagnosis of PTSD contained in the DSM IV-TR. See if this sounds all too familiar to you:
1. The trauma is persistently re-experienced in one or more of the following ways:
*Recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event, including images, thoughts, or perceptions
*Emotionally and/or physically reacting more intensely than the situation calls for (as if the danger of an attacking tiger is still in the room, right in front of you)
*Making attempts to ignore or suppress the intrusive thoughts, impulses, or images by trying divert your attention with another thought or action.
*Intense physical reaction to anything either internal or external that remind you of the traumatic event
*Intense emotional reaction to anything either internal or external that reminds you of the traumatic event.

2. Persistent avoidance of anything associated with the trauma and numbing of general responsiveness subsequent to the trauma (as indicated by 3 or more of the following):
*Efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with the trauma
*Efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma
*Inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma
*Markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities
*Feeling of detachment or estrangement from others
*Restricted range of affect (i.e. unable to have loving feelings)
*Sense of a foreshortened future
3. Persistent symptoms of increased arousal subsequent to the trauma (as indicated by two or more of the following):
*Difficulty falling or staying asleep
*Irritability or outbursts of anger
*Difficulty concentrating
*Hypervigilance
*Exaggerated startle response
In addition, there are a couple other requirements in the DSM IV-TR, such as a continued duration of over one month. Given most people seem to take an average of 2-4 years to heal from the betrayal of infidelity, I’d say this meets the criteria and the condition is prevalent!

ASPD and Paranoia

Many people completely misunderstand the traits of a sociopath. Sociopaths do NOT have any real friends, they do not want friends, nor do they have the emotions that are required to be a friend. Instead of friends, a sociopath wants loyal followers, people who will do anything to help the sociopath achieve their own narcissistic goals. They gain followers by using an act — known as their “persona”— pretending to be an upright, trusting person, and a great friend. Their persona is nothing like their real personality. But they are quite believable.

The terms “friend” and “sociopath” are mutually exclusive. What does that mean? It means you can have a real friend, and you may know a sociopath, but you cannot have a real friend who’s also a sociopath.. What you can be is a loyal follower, or even a disciple to a sociopath, and as such, they will treat you as if you were a friend … but it is not sincere. As long as you provide some value to them, something they need, value as simple as companionship, they will keep you around. But once they tire of your companionship, you will be left with no doubt.

As most people are aware, a sociopath, or more precisely, someone afflicted with Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD) and/or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), does not feel any guilt or remorse for the things they’ve done to others, but on a larger scale, it’s not just those emotions that they lack … sociopaths do not have any of the typical emotions that most people take for granted.

So along with lacking negative emotions, such as guilt and remorse, they also lack what most would consider positive emotions, such as compassion, love, joy, security, and passion. This is what’s often overlook, but critically important: a sociopath’s lack of emotions does not end with the negative emotions. Hence, a person with APD or NPD does not have the capacity to feel any positive emotions, preventing them from thinking about anyone else, but themselves. A sociopath cannot feel the emotions required in a friendship, so they act them out. And often, they over-act with a certain plastic appeal.

Most sociopaths or psychopaths have likely identified how they differ from most people, and in their minds, they’re superior to virtually all of “us.” They do not need friends … they need loyal followers. A sociopath cares only about themselves, and how they can use others to strengthen their narcissistic goals.
As soon as you don’t offer them the same value, or you hesitate doing something they ask of you, or they simply sense something different — watch how fast that “best friend” relationship will collapse. You were certain they felt for you as you did for them. No one wants to believe how sinister and cold another “human” can be. Most people won’t believe it until it happens to them … it’s the definition of intense gut-wrenching.

You were in their inner circle. You know a lot. Sociopaths often suffer with paranoia, and even if it’s their own paranoia that causes them to sense a lack of loyalty from you, it’s no different to them … it’s just as real.

Consider this, and trust me, whatever your sociopath friend may say to counter this, it’s just what they do best — lie. A sociopath not only does not feel guilt or remorse, but it does not stop there … they do not have any typical human emotions.

They do not feel love, friendship, compassion … nothing, it’s all faked. It’s called their public persona. A sociopath’s persona has virtually no resemblance to their true personality. They know they are different, but they may know nothing more than that. It’s not of interest to them. What is of ultimate interest is control.

They build a group of followers by faking friendship, charm, compassion … until people are so sucked-in and so brainwashed that they now respect and admire a very evil sociopath. Some sociopaths wear their persona all the time, i.e., 24/7. Those sociopaths know all too well that what they do, the things they get away with, would likely be just as revolting to their family as with anyone else.

Oh, and that family consisting of a spouse, and 2.5 kids? It’s all part of the act. They want to blend in. They know a family is an important element. They know belonging to a church, a synagogue, or any place that brings people together to worship, will assuredly benefit the cause of blending in.
A sociopath knows their family members cannot be aware of their real activities, because if they are, they would become a threat just as anyone else would. And the sociopath responds to a family-based threat no differently then by someone they hardly know. They must protect themselves from exposure … any slight threat or risk must be dealt with immediately, with what I call: offensive-revenge.
When looking at a sociopath, all you see is another person. What you will never see is that person’s history. Their history is like a hostility throttle. Depending on what they’ve gotten away with in the past determines how they will respond to an attempted exposure now and degree is based on his degree of paranoia.
One sociopath with whom I am familiar changes his city of residence weekly on Facebook due to his intense paranoia. He is certain that he is being tracked by people which he conned money from in the past and to be fair these individuals are the type to hunt him down not because of the money but rather the lack of respect they were shown. Truth be known however, he is in the same place because his limited "disability" income does not afford him the luxury of living the truly nomadic lifestyle he tries to portray. Anyone that knows of his financial challenges and deficiency laugh at the facade. In his paranoia and through his narcissistic personality the lies fuel his delusion of superiority as consistent with ASPD. He is such a joke but hey, he's free entertainment.

Should You Be Friends With An Ex On Facebook?

Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and texting are apart of most of our everyday lives. This means of communication makes it more convenient to keep up with our friends and families. Most of us cannot imagine a world without them. Although it may make it easier to keep up with our social circles, it can also make it easier for us to behave badly.

Have you ever looked up your ex on Facebook? Have you ever gone on their page to see how they are and what they are doing? Have you ever messaged them, poked them or friend requested them? If you did any of these things, did you fill your partner in on it?

Has social media and texting blurred the lines between right and wrong in relationships, particularly where exes are concerned?

That's a question that was recently asked by the QMI Agency for a study.  According to the study's findings, 45 per cent of us are happy to be contacted by an ex on Facebook, and yet the vast majority of us would be angry if our partner befriended their ex. In other words, we're hypocrites. Study responders felt meeting up with someone you've contacted online -- and dated -- is cheating. Additionally, 35 per cent think exchanging photos equals infidelity and 25 per cent say texting goes against relationship rules.  It's no secret social media is known as a relationship wrecker -- lawyers now claim Facebook is mentioned in 20 per cent of divorce petitions. ‘Being in communication with an ex is opening the door to suggestive emails and cheating. It might not happen, but some people just don’t want that door open at all -- and that’s a fair point.

Still, infidelity is subjective and it depends on the couple. For some couples. Cheating is emailing or texting with an ex. For others, it’s having drinks with an ex. Its important to find out the line in your own relationship.  Don’t allow your online friendships get in the way of your real-life relationships.

The Internet is so enticing -- the world is open to you and you can be whoever you want on Facebook -- that people put it ahead of couple time and family time.

Where do you draw the line in your relationship? How would you feel if your partner messaged on Facebook, sent clothed and unclothed pictures via text and communicated via cell phone with any member of the opposite sex let alone an ex?  The way you feel in response to that question is exactly how your spouse will feel as well. 

Mastering Transitions

Change can be a scary thing; some people will go to great lengths to avoid it. The truth is, we get comfortable where we are and the idea of change isn’t pleasant.  Whether you are moving schools, starting a new job, leaving a bad relationship, or moving to a new state, all transitions go through the three predictable stages.

 

Stage One: Resisting/Reacting
Characterized by doubt and discomfort as you are actively objecting and negatively comparing your new situation to your old. You're not looking, you're judging and it doesn't look good.

Stage Two: Adjusting/Exploring

Characterized by doing more than feeling. You're gathering information on how to make this work, making choices, making connections, asking questions, digging in.

Stage Three: Living Well in the New Old or the Old New

This is the stage you don't notice because it doesn't feel like a stage. You've arrived at your new destination. You're accepting and incorporating the new so much, you wouldn't have it any other way: The new is the (new) old.

While it would be nice to jump to the final stage, it doesn’t work that way. If you take the time to understand the stages that you will go through, you will avoid thinking in the beginning that you may have made a wrong move because you don’t feel okay about it.

Each person varies with the time it will take him or her to move through these stages. Everything will be alright in the end. So, if it is not alright, it is not yet the end.

It all comes  to the swimming pool analogy: When you first get into a pool, it doesn't feel good. It feels cold. You question briefly should I get out, or why did I get in, but then, anticipating what's ahead -- the refreshing feeling of floating weightlessly in water -- you hang in and are greatly rewarded. It feels good! Why? Did someone change the water, warm it up? No, we adjusted. So with change, we must be willing to feel that initial discomfort, ride it out and trust that we'll adjust. Here are some ideas to grease those wheels of change so they'll move a little bit more efficiently.

1. Don't Expect to Feel Fantastic at First: Expect the Opposite

• You didn't want to start kindergarten, then you didn't want to leave elementary school or middle school, you don't want to start college -- then it was the best time of your life and so on. So it is for adults. If you only think ahead on the unknown, you forget that you are a master at transitions. But even masters have to pay the piper. The way to be gracious (and cut down on your anguish) is not to expect that you'll have a seamless process, but actually expect the opposite. If you expect discomfort, like slowing down slightly before a familiar bump in the road, it won't send you flying when you hit it.

    2.  Fast Forward to the End and Put a Time Frame on the Adjustment

• How do you think things will really turn out? Counter your anxious predictions with the facts. And while you're at it, estimate how long you think it will take to settle into the new routine -- a week? A month? A few? Even if your estimate is off, just being able to foresee the end of the adjustment curve suggests that this is possible (and likely).

    3.  Don't Forget to Add Yourself to the Equation

• You may feel powerless against change, but you're in the picture, too. How did all those previous changes get worked through? You can be sure that you had something (a lot) to do with that. All the tools and experience that you bring to the situation are there for you.

    4.  What Changes, What Doesn't?

• We may think when we start a new job, relationship, or school year that everything is new and that we have to reinvent not only the wheel, but the whole shebang. Focus on the things that are really changing and enjoy or take stock of what is already in good working order in your life. Appreciating what doesn't need your attention may give you more energy to face head-on what does.

    5.  Don't Think, Do, and Do Small

• How do you feel about the transition? Chances are that if you wait for the motivation to feel better -- "I'll start doing x, once y is over," -- y doesn't come. Motivation follows behavior. As we see ourselves doing things, we feel more confident that we can. So don't just sit there, do something, but do something small. Take the big goal -- making friends at college, dating after a breakup, adjusting to a move -- and take it one call, one cup of coffee, one hello at a time. Build up from there

Manipulation

I blogged a while ago about mapping tendencies and patterns in a sociopath.  I have noticed when one with ASPD cycles to a self introspection mode they will proceed to attempt to produce poetry while thinking in their mind that they are being intellectual or creative.  This is with the purpose to receive accolades regarding their "creativity" and manipulate as much as it is to prove to themselves that they have a measure of intelligence.  Im not one to ever fault anyone for free expression but in the case of the FB post below, as a professional, I see a mind that is engulfed in a storm of misfiring synapses.  Although short, it expresses the opposite of what I believe the author intended.  The fact is that in no shape or form does an individual with ASPD "see clearly" and very few if any at all recognize the psychological state which they find themselves.  If anything the only truth in this attempted prose is "he cant see through concrete" which in his case is the wall between fantasy and reality.  Between right and wrong.  Between moral and immoral.  He is unable to discern that the place he is in life is a direct consequence of the "wall" or "concrete" as he terms it.  He is unwilling to take responsibility for the actions he has committed that directly or indirectly hurt others in his search for "happiness". 
    This real issue is that ASPD suffers are in a prison of their own design.  Although there exists no cure for the disorder, treatment does exist but his narcissim prevents him from acknowledging that he has a problem.  Multiple psychiatric hosptial admissions(DD) were nothing more than a vacation in his mind for he refused to build on the therapeutic benefit that began through outpatient therapy.  Everyone has the capability to respect established boundaries its just that he like most other sociopaths CHOOSE not to.  He knows the difference between right and wrong but CHOOSES to only follow the path that satisfies his self centeredness irregardless if wrong.  In his case the history of poor decisions has left him living a nomadic lifestyle alone with few true friends, almost non-existent family interaction and a criminal history that prevents any real chance at a career.  Truth be told, he is to be pityed but to do so would be an invitation to be another victim of his manipulating nature and existence.  He will die alone and bitter because of his narcissim that leads him to destroy every relationship and creates enemies of most that have in one way or the other been impacted by his manipulation.  I can not help but think that his post below is nothing more than another attempt to manipulate someone, somewhere to believe he is someone he is not.  

‎"9 million times

Standing in the shadow and light
I find myself
I can see clearly ...

I just can’t see through concrete
I find myself
Standing in the shadow and light"

REVENGE AND CONSEQUENCES

When people choose to pursue a someone or something that they know is immoral or unethical to purse they need to be prepared for the consequences of their choice.  Psychological health really plays no bearing and by no means should ever stand as an excuse.  Too many times do people use a diagnosis in attempt to deflect or subvert consequences.  We see it all the time when people plead "not guilty by reason of insanity".  I have seen attempts to attach labels to the consequences such as revenge.  Most recently and laughably an acquaintance posted some incoherant rambling on that very thing...
"Revenge is a dish best served cold......... Why? Becuase it is a left over that no one wants. It has been sitting in the back of the fridge waiting for the moment that it can be served. There is no gain in revenge. It is a shelfish act. Revenge is a dish that should be served warm. A warmth that invites you in to make you feel comfortable. A warmth that makes you think..... what the hell did I do that for in the first place. One that makes you know that your actions should have never been. Not a eye for an eye. Not do unto others what others do unto you. You may question yourself taking the right road. But nothing worth having comes easy." 
Revenge is defined:

1. To inflict punishment in return for (injury or insult).
2. To seek or take vengeance for (oneself or another person); avenge.
3. The act of taking vengeance for injuries or wrongs; retaliation.

 Consequences do not equal revenge.  Consequences should make one think, "what the hell did i do that for in the first place."  Consequences "are the right road" and the wisdom that having to live through the consequences is not easy and is very much worth having.  Truth is however, in a sick mind one looks at consequences of their wrong decisions and actions whether via law enforcement, employer, friends, family or strangers as revenge. This is a result of the Anti-Social Personality Disorder in which one never takes responsibility for their actions.  The ASPD individual cannot process that their will always be negative consequences for their actions.  If they (rarely) do something good they will gladly accept the praise and will make sure the world knows what they did while in the same breath trying to make an authority(such as police) look evil for not providing assistance for example.  They do something that is social, morally and ethically wrong then when the negative consequences come forward, they will jump, rant and rave that they did nothing wrong and maintain it wasnt their fault.  So much like a toddler in that their brains process the information the same. 
If someone initiates injury or insult then they should expect uncomfortable CONSEQUENCES.  Call it revenge... Call it whatever.... The fact is when you engage in illicit activity expect punishment.

SUB-CATEGORIES AND RATIONAL SELF-INTEREST

“The pursuit of his (man’s) own rational self-interest and of his own happiness is the highest moral purpose of his life.” Ayn Rand. 


Scoiopaths, pure and simple are happy as long as they get what they “deserve”, it doesn’t matter what happens to anyone else or whether through unethical and/or immoral means that they engage to get it.  Looking deeper into the Anti-social Personality(sociopath) disorder it is interesting that the main classification is broken down into five sub-types:

• covetous antisocial – variant of the pure pattern where individuals feel that life has not given them their due.
• reputation-defending antisocial – including narcissistic features
• risk-taking antisocial – including histrionic features
• nomadic antisocial – including schizoid, avoidant features
• malevolent antisocial – including sadistic, paranoid features

Assessing the characteristics of many of the sociopaths that I have experienced being acquainted, they each tend to fall into one of the sub-categories.  Only one that I have had the mispleasure of knowing actually has characteristics of all five.  He is definitely covetous feeling as though the forces of the universe are designed to "short change" him.  He is highly narcissistic in that he frequently states that he, "answers to no one" and from time to time will perform some insignificant act of generosity (from which he is seeking to personally gain if just simply to maintain his facade and further his con on some unsuspecting female) and play it up as if he personally provided a kidney to allow for their survival while highlighting the evils of those in authority for placing the person/people in a hardship.  The Risk-taking antisocial category is interesting and seems to fit him more than the the others especially in relation to histrionic features.  People with HPD have a high need for attention, make loud and inappropriate appearances, exaggerate their behaviors and emotions, and crave stimulation. They may exhibit sexually provocative behavior, express strong emotions with an impressionistic style, and can be easily influenced by others. Associated features include egocentrism, self-indulgence, continuous longing for appreciation, and persistent manipulative behavior to achieve their own needs.  This would also fuel his motive to occassional "do something for someone else' in search of appreciation.  He routinely posts what I believe he thinks to be "orginial" poetry and writings but are in reality plagerized from no known amateur poets/writers and little heard of song lyrics.  He knows no relationship boundaries and many of his intimate encounters with the opposite and same sex(new little tidbit that made its way to me) begin in bars and clubs.  Also he exhibits strong traits from the nomadic antisocial category to include rare occassions of schizoid behavior that are more than likely instigated via alchol abuse.  He is highly avoidant in that he hides behind alias's and on FB frequently changes the city which he currently resides.  One would think his history of paranoria as is characteristic of the final category of malevolent antisocial would have led him to understand that regardless of what city of residence you choose the IP address used for posting relays the correct city of residence.  He has a long history of sadistic behavior to include assault and battery on females.
So in evaluation, he has characteristics from all groups but he more neatly fits into the risk-taking (with histrionic features) and nomadic ASPD sub-groups.  What a sad existence it must be.  However, even through the disorder, correct choices and decisions can still be made.  The problem is that his covetousness is the strongest characteristic that drives him to believe that he "deserves" whatever he desires and will, without regard for the pain of others, strive to take and do what he chooses.  Then when caught he once again shouts from the roof tops that he is the "victim" and bemoans the individual or authority that stopped and stomped him for his moronic decisions.  Truth is, Ayn Rand's opening quote is an excellent descriptor of a sociopath.  Fact is, even if and when the sociopath is successful in his pursuit of whatever solidifies his moral purpose, he will never be happy. 

REVOCATION OF RIGHTS

Taking a look at attacks against our 2nd Amendment Right and having read a comment posted on FB by a sociopath in regards to protecting gun ownership I am once again shaking my head at his level of denial and complete lack of acceptance of accountability!
The statement was posted in response to another FB members request to email elected officials to stop SB249... The sociopaths response was:
"Sorry, they have already took my right to have a gun, not that I don't have a couple but no simi auto though I did have an ar15 execlent wepon just not a lot of demand for it in regular civilian use." (spelling and grammar as posted... I myself am smarter than a 5th grader).
What is so hilarious and pitiful at the same time is that although it is true that "they" (being the legal system) did in fact rule that he was not fit psychiatrically to own "wepons" he fails to accept responsibility for his committing assault on a female and numerous assault and batteries to include on an law enforcement officer and resisting arrest. So essentially he gave up his rights to own firearms through his actions. The "evil authorities" just didn't arbitrarily decide that they would "take away his right". Therein lies the problem when dealing with mental illness. Some to most, specifically sociopaths, never take responsibility or accept the consequences as directly related to their actions. They always insist that they are the victims. It is never their fault! The laws have been established and maybe was not explained appropriately. It is posted below and short of electronic crayons, can't get any more simple. When one breaks a law, they lose rights except for to remain silent, have representation and a hearing. When found guilty of violent crimes then the 2nd Amendment Right is one you have GIVEN away.
The other issue that i see in the post that is classic sociopath behavior is bragging that "he still has a couple just no semi auto though". This is saying, "hey, look at me... I am not allowed to be in possession of a firearm because they took away my right but who are they to tell me what I can and can not have!". Either he, in his mental illness, is stupid enough to admit his ownership or he is lying (another classic hallmark of a sociopath) to create the illusion that he is just a rebel by thumbing his nose at the law. If true, just add another felony to his long and eventful criminal background. A good law abiding citizen should inform the authorities of such a claim. Whether true or not, it should be determined.

1. No guns for felons. Most of us are familiar with the rule that a convicted felon cannot possess a gun. The federal rule is found in one of the main firearm statutes, 18 U.S.C. § 922(g)(1). It says that anyone "who has been convicted in any court of a crime punishable by imprisonment for a term exceeding one year" is barred from possessing a gun. The only felonies that are not covered by the federal gun ban are 1) those "pertaining to antitrust violations, unfair trade practices, restraints of trade, or other similar offenses relating to the regulation of business practices," per 18 U.S.C. § 921(a)(20)(A); and 2) felony convictions from foreign countries, per Small v. United States, --- U.S. ---, 2005 WL 946620 (April 26, 2005).
Note that even the lowest level felony in North Carolina, a Class I, is punishable by imprisonment for more than twelve months. It does not matter that your client's prior record level may be at the low end of North Carolina's Structured Sentencing Act, yielding a maximum sentence of less than 12 months' imprisonment in his particular case. All that matters is that at the highest end of the state sentencing chart (Level VI), it is possible for a Class I felon to receive a sentence of imprisonment in the aggravated range of punishment that is greater than twelve months.
What about misdemeanor convictions for driving while impaired, which carry a maximum sentence of two years imprisonment - are they subject to the federal gun ban? No, because a separate federal statute, 18 U.S.C. § 921(a)(20)(B), says that a "crime punishable by imprisonment for a term exceeding one year" does not include "any State offense classified by the laws of the State as a misdemeanor and punishable by a term of imprisonment of two years or less." As a result, DWI convictions do not trigger the federal gun ban. Neither do old, two-year misdemeanor convictions from North Carolina's Fair Sentencing Act (the sentencing scheme in place prior to the Structured Sentencing Act).
There are some exceptions, however - some state misdemeanor convictions that implicate the federal gun ban. Read on.
2. No guns after misdemeanor criminal domestic violence convictions and no guns during the time that a DVPO is in effect. Under federal law, anyone who has a criminal domestic violence conviction is barred from possessing a gun. Forever. As 18 U.S.C. § 922(g)(9) says, "[i]t shall be unlawful for any person . . . who has been convicted in any court of a misdemeanor crime of domestic violence . . . to possess in or affecting commerce any firearm or ammunition."
Under 18 U.S.C. § 921(a)(33), a "misdemeanor crime of domestic violence" is any misdemeanor that "has, as an element, the use or attempted use of physical force, or the threatened use of a deadly weapon, committed by a current or former spouse, parent, or guardian of the victim, by a person with whom the victim shares a child in common, by a person who is cohabiting with or has cohabited with the victim as a spouse, parent, or guardian, or by a person similarly situated to a spouse, parent, or guardian of the victim."
3. Does a PJC help? No. There is an argument to be made under 18 U.S.C. § 921(a)(20) that for purposes of the federal gun ban, a person has been "convicted" of a state law crime only if the disposition of his case in state court qualified as a "conviction" under state law. You could use this section to argue that because a PJC is not a conviction under North Carolina law, it is not considered to be a "conviction" under federal law and thus it does not trigger the federal gun ban.
Two problems with this argument. First, the argument has a very limited scope of potential application. This portion of the federal gun statute deals only with prior felony convictions; it does not have anything do with prior convictions for misdemeanor crimes of domestic violence. So you cannot make the argument for a PJC on a misdemeanor domestic violence crime; you can only make it if your client received a PJC on a felony.
Second, a recent decision from the Court of Appeals says that a PJC in a felony case still qualifies as a "felony conviction" for purposes of the North Carolina felon in possession statute. State v. Friend, --- N.C. App. ---, 609 S.E.2d 473 (March 15, 2005). That means that if the federal courts look to North Carolina law, they will see that a PJC is considered to be a conviction for purposes of the state gun ban. This will almost certainly cause the federal courts to conclude that it is also a conviction for purposes of the federal gun ban.
Bottom line: a PJC is no help at all.
4. The federal gun ban includes some people who are only under indictment! Anyone who is "under indictment for a crime punishable by imprisonment for a term exceeding one year" is not allowed "to ship or transport . . . any firearm or ammunition or receive any such firearm or ammunition." 18 U.S.C. § 922(n).
The meaning of this statute is a bit unclear. At the very least, it bars anyone under indictment from "receiving," or acquiring, a gun that they did not own before being indicted. But what about guns that someone owned before they were indicted? Are they required to get rid of them after the indictment is handed down?
The express terms of the statute mention only shipping, transporting, and receiving a gun, not possessing one. In comparison, the federal statute that applies the gun ban to convicted felons and to those with misdemeanor domestic violence convictions expressly bans possession, as well as shipping, transporting, and receiving. You can make a strong argument based on the wording of the statute that someone under indictment is allowed to possess a gun he owned before being indicted, even if he is not allowed to ship, transport, or receive it.
But when does possession become transporting? And when does it become shipping? In my opinion, the issues are too murky, and the stakes are too high. The safer and better practice is probably to advise all clients under indictment to get rid of their guns and not to have anything to do with any guns while the indictment is pending.
5. No guns for drug users. Federal law also says that any person "who is an unlawful user of or addicted to any controlled substance" is barred from possessing guns. 18 U.S.C. § 922(g)(3). What does that mean? Good question. "[T]he exact reach of the statute is not easy to define," to say the least! United States v. Jackson, 280 F.3d 403, 406 (4th Cir.), cert. denied, 536 U.S. 911 (2002).
The consensus seems to be that the statute does not apply to "infrequent" drug users or to those who used drugs in the "distant past." Instead, it is aimed at those whose drug use is "sufficiently consistent, 'prolonged,' and close in time to [their] gun possession to put [them] on notice that [they] qualified as an unlawful user of drugs under the statute." United States v. Edwards, 38 Fed. Appx. 134, 138 (4th Cir. 2002), cert. denied, --- U.S. ---, 123 S.Ct. 1764 (2003).
The bottom line is that if you have someone with a drug problem, you should tell them to get rid of their guns. If it is a close call, tell them about the law and let them decide if they want to take the risk of owning a gun.
6. Is there an exception for guns that someone keeps in their own home or business? Never under federal law and not any more under state law. There used to be a state law that allowed a convicted felon to keep a gun "within his own home or on his lawful place of business." N.C. Gen. Stat. § 14-415.1(a). But that provision was deleted effective December 1, 2004. And even prior to the change in the law, the state exception had no effect on the federal gun ban. If someone was barred by federal law from possessing a gun (because they were a convicted felon, a drug addict, etc.), they were not allowed to possess a gun even in their own home or business as a matter of federal law. The old North Carolina law was no defense to a federal gun prosecution. As the Fourth Circuit put it, "the fact that state law permitted [the defendant] to possess a firearm in his home despite his status as a convicted felon whose civil rights had not been restored [was] not sufficient to insulate him from federal prosecution." United States v. King, 119 F.3d 290, 293 (4th Cir. 1997).
7. What about long guns? Prior to December 1, 2004, North Carolina's felon-in-possession statute prohibited only the possession of a "handgun or other firearm with a barrel length of less than 18 inches or an overall length of less than 26 inches." N.C. Gen. Stat. § 14-415.1(a). Effective December 1, 2004, however, the statute changed. It now says that it shall be unlawful for any convicted felon to "to purchase, own, possess, or have in his custody, care, or control any firearm or any weapon of mass death and destruction." The statute goes on to define the term "firearm" by borrowing the federal definition found in 18 U.S.C. § 921(a)(3): "any weapon, including a starter gun, which will or is designed to or may readily be converted to expel a projectile by the action of an explosive." The term "firearm" also includes the frame of a weapon and silencers. The length of the gun is now irrelevant; whether long or short, it cannot be possessed by a felon.
And even though a felon's possession of a long gun may have been permitted by state law prior to December 1, 2004, it has always been prohibited by federal law. So even before December 1, 2004, a felon in possession of a long gun was violating the federal ban on gun possession.
8. It's not just a ban on guns - it also includes ammunition. The federal gun laws prohibit possession of "any firearm or ammunition." 18 U.S.C. § 922(g). "Ammunition" is defined as "cartridge cases, primers, bullets, or propellant powder designed for use in any firearm." 18 U.S.C. § 921(a)(17)(A). I have heard anecdotally of a state prosecutor giving a case to the United States Attorney's Office to prosecute based on the fact that the defendant possessed a single bullet. That is ammunition and therefore enough to trigger prosecution in federal court.
9. Ignorance of the law is no excuse. It does not matter if someone is unaware of the federal firearms ban. In United States v. Mitchell, 209 F.3d 319, 322-23 (4th Cir.), cert. denied, 531 U.S. 849 (2000) the Fourth Circuit said that the Government is not required to show that a defendant knew that federal law prohibited him from possessing a gun. If the defendant knew that he possessed the gun and knew that he was a convicted felon (or knew that he was a person with a conviction for a misdemeanor crime of domestic violence, a drug addict, etc.), that is enough for him to be prosecuted in federal court. It does not matter whether he was aware that federal law prohibited him from possessing a gun. " 'The only knowledge the government was required to prove . . . was knowledge of the possession.' " Id. (citations omitted).
10. Can a felon ever regain the right to own a gun by having his civil rights restored? Theoretically yes, but practically no. 18 U.S.C. §§ 921(a)(20) and (a)(33)(B)(ii) say that "[a]ny conviction which has been expunged, or set aside or for which a person has been pardoned or has had civil rights restored shall not be considered a conviction for purposes of" the federal gun ban. To determine whether someone's civil right to own a gun has been restored, federal courts "look to the law of the jurisdiction of conviction . . . and consider the jurisdiction's entire body of law." United States v. O'Neal, 180 F.3d 115, 119 (4th Cir.), cert. denied, 528 U.S. 980 (1999).
This means that if a client has a North Carolina felony conviction, the federal courts will look to North Carolina law to determine if his civil rights have been restored. If they have been restored under North Carolina law, then the federal authorities will not be able to prosecute him for being a felon in possession of a gun.
The problem is that North Carolina law does not ever restore the civil right to own a gun to a felon. As of December 1, 1995, N.C. Gen. Stat. § 14-415.1 provides that anyone convicted of a felony forever loses the right to own a firearm, and North Carolina makes no provision for restoration of a felon's right to own a gun. With no restoration of rights under state law, our clients can never regain their right to own a gun under federal law.

(Shaking my head)...