To be accepted, to be loved, to know that you are the "only one", that "one special person" to someone else is the quest that drives human beings. God said that it is not good that man should be alone so He made him a helpmeet. He made a partner for Adam- did you get that? SPECIFICALLY for Adam. Adam did not have to search... He did not have to go to bars or turn to the internet to find that "special someone". So it is to be with us. If you ask, most people will agree that everyone has a "soulmate" wandering about more than likely looking themselves. We spend so much time in our lives "looking for love". As teens most change relationships like changing their clothes. During which time we make so many mistakes that can stand to impact future relationships. Unfortunately all this trial and error accomplishes is a comparative mentality. It becomes a source of insecurity in otherwise solid relationships. The sad reality is that the comparative mentality can harden hearts to the place that many overlook or take for granted the "one", their "soulmate" when they find each other. Its important to keep in mind that as teenagers and young adults that if we had a nickel for each time we told another person/people that we "loved them", most of society would be filthy rich. What this says is that we all allowed ourselves to be molded based on our natural desire to "not be alone." Fact is, most can look back and see that all the "I love you's" said were more appropriately, "I lust you".
Have I looked back on my life and relationships to find instances to where I can say with assurity that I was "in love" with that person? I have and Yes there was one relationship where I was truely "in love". I married her! Love just didnt happen though. Love is a process. It takes time. It takes spending time with the person. Getting to know the person- their strengths and weaknesses. Coming to a place where you could not imagine your life without them and then committing to be monogamous to that person till the last breath escapes your body. So many people confuse lust for love. A few sexual encounters does not constitute love especially as teenagers. Love is not about ego or fear. Love is more than a word. Its more about action. Its committment, dedication, honesty, compassion, joy and mercy. If you have truely experienced love then you know what it is and will hold a great respect for it. If you havent ever experienced TRUE love then there is no way to understand. There is no way you will recognize it when you see it in others thus you will disrespect it and will not hesitate to try and destroy it. Afterall, Misery Loves Company.
People should stop "searching" and allow God to bring the person He made for and intends for them to be with. In divine perspective, God will not ever bring you to someone who is already married or will never lead someone who is married to another. That's not at all hard to understand!
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Unmet Needs
The perception of ones needs going unmet in a relationship can bring about devastating consequences when one becomes obsessed with getting the need met. It's perplexing to think that such an obsession can lead to complete brain malfunction! As people mature from infancy to adulthood we undergoe a transition in thought process that brings about an understanding of the difference between "right and wrong"(well most anyway). All infants, being of limited communication skills, learn early on that when they cry that adults present will try to figure out the reason for their discomfort, try to determine the need and provide it. Age brings a greater repertoire of communication and manipulation skills in obtaining ones needs.
With that understanding, why is it that in marriages the husband, wife or both seem to regress back to borderline infancy when they feel a need is not being met that is the exclusive privilege of their spouse to meet. Instead of drawing on their vast lifelong experience in communication while knowing the difference between "right and wrong" to discuss as adults and to be persistent in doing the right thing, they act as infants crying in expectation that any adult will respond to meet the need. As a female, think for a second of your baby crying due to hunger and another woman begins breast feeding your child. Your child is content for the moment because their need is being met BUT That's your child, your life bond and your privilege and right. It is not the privilege or right of the other woman. You should be angry and have every right to be hurt. So it is in a case of infidelity! Both parties involved choose to ignore their knowledge of "right and wrong". The married participant becomes as the infant "crying" for a need to be met and the other person has no respect as the woman who steps in to feed when it is not their privilege or right. Wisdom and self control are to be a benefit of growing older. Without one or both what have gained? It's worth keeping in mind because there is so much we can lose when adults make the mistakes of a child.
With that understanding, why is it that in marriages the husband, wife or both seem to regress back to borderline infancy when they feel a need is not being met that is the exclusive privilege of their spouse to meet. Instead of drawing on their vast lifelong experience in communication while knowing the difference between "right and wrong" to discuss as adults and to be persistent in doing the right thing, they act as infants crying in expectation that any adult will respond to meet the need. As a female, think for a second of your baby crying due to hunger and another woman begins breast feeding your child. Your child is content for the moment because their need is being met BUT That's your child, your life bond and your privilege and right. It is not the privilege or right of the other woman. You should be angry and have every right to be hurt. So it is in a case of infidelity! Both parties involved choose to ignore their knowledge of "right and wrong". The married participant becomes as the infant "crying" for a need to be met and the other person has no respect as the woman who steps in to feed when it is not their privilege or right. Wisdom and self control are to be a benefit of growing older. Without one or both what have gained? It's worth keeping in mind because there is so much we can lose when adults make the mistakes of a child.
The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of
This morning as I followed my typical routine- devotions with my wife, shower, preparing my wife's lunch for work as she dressed to embark out to her meaningful job, jumped in the car, drove down the interstate to stop at the gas station to pick up some basic necessities for my day before arriving at my office there was a slight but pleasurable encounter. An old man and woman were sitting on the bench soaking up the sun while drinking a cup of coffee and sharing a pastry. They were making small talk, laughing and were touching one another throughout. As I exited the store the old man got my attention and then asked directions just to confirm that the "new fangled technology(gps)" wasnt leading them astray. Seems they were traveling from Rhode Island to, of all places, Gatlinburg, TN. He asked me if I knew where it was and that they had wanted to visit there for years. I smiled, replying that I did and as a matter of fact my wife and I spent our honeymoon there 21 years ago. He smiled and nodded and then proceeded to tell me that they had been married for 45 years and were celebrating their anniversary this Saturday which was the reason they decided to journey to the Great Smokey Mountains. I congratulated them and surprisingly found myself tearing up as I thought of the beauty and dedication they shared between one another. We made some small talk about the weather and fly fishing during which his wife would ensure that he had the opportunity to enjoy bites of the pastry and would take a napkin and touch up the corners of his mouth. Knowing that I was already late for work I looked and asked if I could pick his brain and experience one time before I had to run. He replied, "Absolutely! Its not often a young person looks to us as anything other than old and decrepid with a chuckle." I asked, "If you could narrow down your success in marriage to just one thing, the one thing that has brought you to 45 years so deeply in love, what would that be? What is your secret?" He looked with a smile on his face at his wife who looked back at him. He grabbed her hand then both looked up at me. He said, "Life has not always been easy. We have had our share of problems. We have had times where we both have felt like throwing our hands up and quitting but our success is no secret. Its hard to narrow down to just one thing. I will give you one thing and a bonus. The main reason for our success is that we both love God and when anyone loves God and honors God in living the way He expects us to then God will honor us. He has honored us and allowed us a long and happy life. If something where to happen to Celia, I pray God would take me too." The bonus, "Always mean what you say. The problem with the world today is that people will make promises like they make urine. It just flows but always gets flushed down the toilet! People today dont give going back on their word, a second thought." I nodded, congratulated them for their resolve, thanked them for their time and wished them a safe journey. As I turned to walk to my car, Celia said, "One other thing young man.... Remember, the grass is never greener on the other side. You are a good looking young man and I imagine you wont ever have to worry about being lonely but the first promise you made to your wife when you married her is the most important promise that you will ever make. Breaking it will bring nothing but heartache." I smiled and thanked her then drove away.
I am appreciative of the wisdom that I had the pleasure to encounter this morning and as I reflect now I can see more than ever the depravity that exists in the world. The false bill of goods that has been shoved down our throats when it comes to marriage being disposable. As for me, I want to be sitting beside my one and only wife sharing coffee and a pastry looking on our 45 year anniversary with the same joy and excitement as John and Celia. God gave me a glimpse of what I long for and I am thankful.
I am appreciative of the wisdom that I had the pleasure to encounter this morning and as I reflect now I can see more than ever the depravity that exists in the world. The false bill of goods that has been shoved down our throats when it comes to marriage being disposable. As for me, I want to be sitting beside my one and only wife sharing coffee and a pastry looking on our 45 year anniversary with the same joy and excitement as John and Celia. God gave me a glimpse of what I long for and I am thankful.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Demented Minds
What goes through the mind of a person who will knowingly engage and encourage a married individual to actively pursue an illicit relationship? I picture a person who has poor character, no integrity, a definite mental illness(probable mommy issues)if male and a coward that can't attract, build and maintain a stable relationship with someone who is available. If female engaging a married male I see the above with probable daddy issues leading to poor self esteem. I am not minimizing the accountability of the innocent spouse. Most instances find the cheating spouse feeling as though certain needs aren't being met such as affection and intimacy. Fact is however, if marital commitments are honored by the spouse and the other person then more couples would work out their issues resulting in fewer families destroyed through divorce. Truth is and statistics support this fact- marriages born out of illicit relationships end in divorce within 2 years. Why? The lack of character and integrity of the other person and lack of commitment of the betraying spouse will manifest in the new relationship leading to the same behaviors. It's not a wise choice to trust a person who will participate in a relationship with a married person. Once the thrill of the chase had subsided they will seek the thrill again. Couple that with the guilt and disappointment of throwing away their marriage and you have a recipe for disaster! We reap what we sow.
The Power of the Past
Our past defines us. It is a collection of memories and experiences that come together in the present establishing our character. Looking at the past I am amazed at the power the memories and experiences exerts in our lives. What is hard for me to understand however is how people allow both the good and bad to influence our choices and decisions when we know in our intellect the harm that will befall us or our loved ones based on those decisions. For example, in a marriage, unless both were locked up in a closet for most of their teenage years, the wife and the husband had "loves", "dated", had "encounters"(sex) with others. They met each other at some point in their past after few or many experiences with others and decided that "this person is the one they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with". They get married, buy a house, have children, get a dog and embarq on a journey of building shared memories and experiences. Time passes- 5 years, 10 years- 20 years. Along the way they experience bad times and good times(hopefully more good than bad and in some cases the bad are REALLY bad). What's interesting is that many times the bad times have a direct connection to the individual past of one or the other in the marriage. It could be the memory of a past relationship that pulls one to seek contact with the person from their past which leads to an illicit relationship. Its funny how the human brain works. The negative or traumatic events in our lives will bury themselves and may manifest in an aversion to a particular situation but the people we were involved with during that time will find us drawn to- only remembering the good things about the person and the relationship. I guess it is akin to childbirth. To hear a woman during delivery in conversation with the father goes something as this, "You will never.... i mean never touch me with that "thing" again! The pain is all your fault!" The physical aspects will leave scars, stretchmarks and other changes in the body but not long after (some dont make it past the post 6 week no sex instruction) they are back at it. As time passes they are careful to remember, even with the physical reminders, the pain associated but a time comes when she looks and says, "Let's make another baby." The pain that made her swear off ever again having sex is no longer a deterent. (thankfully for us men).
I say that to say this. We are to remember the past so we will not repeat it. We can never, never go back and reclaim or relive our past(thankfully so). Our past should stand to make us resolved in maintaining our walk in the present toward the future holding on to the good things in our life now. The mistakes we made should be remembered as to be a deterent to not repeat the same mistakes in a viscious cycle. Relationships that are in our past are there for a reason. When we marry, we should never dwell on those in our past especiallly keeping in mind that the more time passes the less we remember of why those people are not our present relationship. If it was "meant to be" it would have been. What you have and who you are with in the present "is meant to be" especially if you and he/she have been for 10, 15, 20+ years. If you have been married for 20+ years to the same person then it should be painfully obvious that "it is meant to be" so at no point should any past relationship ever become an issue in the present or future. If it does then you need to think hard about the "bad" from your past before marriage and remember that whatever it was that you were seeking, you found and have had for 20+ years now. The ones involved before marriage obviously failed for whatever reason at the task then and will now and tomorrow.
I say that to say this. We are to remember the past so we will not repeat it. We can never, never go back and reclaim or relive our past(thankfully so). Our past should stand to make us resolved in maintaining our walk in the present toward the future holding on to the good things in our life now. The mistakes we made should be remembered as to be a deterent to not repeat the same mistakes in a viscious cycle. Relationships that are in our past are there for a reason. When we marry, we should never dwell on those in our past especiallly keeping in mind that the more time passes the less we remember of why those people are not our present relationship. If it was "meant to be" it would have been. What you have and who you are with in the present "is meant to be" especially if you and he/she have been for 10, 15, 20+ years. If you have been married for 20+ years to the same person then it should be painfully obvious that "it is meant to be" so at no point should any past relationship ever become an issue in the present or future. If it does then you need to think hard about the "bad" from your past before marriage and remember that whatever it was that you were seeking, you found and have had for 20+ years now. The ones involved before marriage obviously failed for whatever reason at the task then and will now and tomorrow.
Opening Vent
I sit and ponder, on most days, why it is so difficult for people to say what they mean and mean whay they say. I know that it is human nature to desire to either avoid difficulties or obtain what they think they want based on their feelings and emotions at the time. Both are born out of selfishness and self-centeredness. Take for example, marriage.... A man and woman meet, spend time with one another, choose to love the other and then it is all roses and rainbows as they are consumed with each other in love, get married before God, friends and family and set out to build their life together. The vows made to each other, before divine and earthly guests, are to be the bedrock and foundation of their building. Time passes, life gets busy, one of the two who vowed to "take the other through sickness and health... For richer and poorer... Through good times and bad.... Forsaking all others.... Till death do us part.." somehow forgets, decides to ignore or chooses that he/she no longer needs to honor the vow because they have "found or been re-united" a person they "just have to be with". I have difficulty understanding. I don't want to understand how two people can participate in an illicit relationship ( Let's call it what it is- Adultery) that they know without a doubt will hurt one or more(if there are children) all for the sake of satisfying their selfishness. What good could possibly come other than sexual gratification(maybe... Maybe not and if so, only for a fleeting moment). Actually the only one that reaps any benefit is the deranged other man(OM) or other woman(OW) who in many instances have nothing to lose(but their life if they "mess" with the wrong person). The wayward spouse(WS) has to deal with the guilt and shame knowing of their betrayal which takes away from any gain they could obtain.
Step back and take a long hard look at the human condition. We are weak beings misguided in holding a belief that we are to be led by our emotions. How many times have mistakes been made because of emotions- prisons are full of inmates who acted on their emotions. Harsh words are said and relationships destroyed because of emotions. Emotions mislead! They are dependent on the mood of the day. Lust not Love is driven by emotion. Love is a choice. Love comes from spending time getting to know another person- their strengths and their weaknesses. We choose to marry the individual that we chose to love after spending the time, getting to know and determining that our lives would be better with that person than without. One does not "fall into love" with someone. Love is not a pothole in the road and you walk along and wham!!! step into it. A few encounters with someone does not constitute love either. Which brings me to this...... a man is quick to say those three simple but powerful words to a woman- "I Love You!" Why is he so quick to say those words? Simple- men give love to get sex knowing that women give sex to get love. As I have gotten older and hopefully wiser, it is easier to see the manipulative actions and misdeeds of my youth. I understand why men are as they are. Most concerning to me though is to look at men involved in adulterous relationships with married women and see that they use the same old tricks to get the one thing they are after- sex! Is it developmental delay, mental illness, stupidity? Or is it that the women, who should be wiser as well, still have the same guillible tendencies as they did in their teens? Come on, in an illicit relationship the married woman will generally begin by giving the OM the blueprint to getting her to drop her pants. She will share the grievences she has toward her husband- what he does do that she doesnt like, what he is not doing that she feels she needs, exactly what she dreams of.... The OM then knows exactly what to say and how to respond to appear as the "perfect man" and the WS "falls in love". The illusion may persist for a while but someday it will be shattered and what she will find is a man and situation far worse than what she lost through buying the OM's false identity.
For 23 years I have been faithful to my wife. Have I been tempted? Absolutely! Have I succumbed? Proudly, NO. I see families torn apart all around me because of selfishness and stupidity and am thankful that I love my wife and even though we have experienced richer and poorer, sickness and health, better and worse in our marriage, I will not allow myself to bring pain on her or our children. The short term gain of an affair is not worth the long term consequences. Besides, sex is far better with someone you love verses someone your in lust. Love will stand the test of time while lust fades away!
Step back and take a long hard look at the human condition. We are weak beings misguided in holding a belief that we are to be led by our emotions. How many times have mistakes been made because of emotions- prisons are full of inmates who acted on their emotions. Harsh words are said and relationships destroyed because of emotions. Emotions mislead! They are dependent on the mood of the day. Lust not Love is driven by emotion. Love is a choice. Love comes from spending time getting to know another person- their strengths and their weaknesses. We choose to marry the individual that we chose to love after spending the time, getting to know and determining that our lives would be better with that person than without. One does not "fall into love" with someone. Love is not a pothole in the road and you walk along and wham!!! step into it. A few encounters with someone does not constitute love either. Which brings me to this...... a man is quick to say those three simple but powerful words to a woman- "I Love You!" Why is he so quick to say those words? Simple- men give love to get sex knowing that women give sex to get love. As I have gotten older and hopefully wiser, it is easier to see the manipulative actions and misdeeds of my youth. I understand why men are as they are. Most concerning to me though is to look at men involved in adulterous relationships with married women and see that they use the same old tricks to get the one thing they are after- sex! Is it developmental delay, mental illness, stupidity? Or is it that the women, who should be wiser as well, still have the same guillible tendencies as they did in their teens? Come on, in an illicit relationship the married woman will generally begin by giving the OM the blueprint to getting her to drop her pants. She will share the grievences she has toward her husband- what he does do that she doesnt like, what he is not doing that she feels she needs, exactly what she dreams of.... The OM then knows exactly what to say and how to respond to appear as the "perfect man" and the WS "falls in love". The illusion may persist for a while but someday it will be shattered and what she will find is a man and situation far worse than what she lost through buying the OM's false identity.
For 23 years I have been faithful to my wife. Have I been tempted? Absolutely! Have I succumbed? Proudly, NO. I see families torn apart all around me because of selfishness and stupidity and am thankful that I love my wife and even though we have experienced richer and poorer, sickness and health, better and worse in our marriage, I will not allow myself to bring pain on her or our children. The short term gain of an affair is not worth the long term consequences. Besides, sex is far better with someone you love verses someone your in lust. Love will stand the test of time while lust fades away!
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