TEMPTATION AT YOUR FINGERTIPS!!!

3 Reasons Spouses Commit FACEBOOK Affairs

Facebook is a very common means of communication for nearly everyone today. It is a great way to keep in contact with family, friends, old friends, networking for work and many other things.

Facebook can become a problem in marriages though; according to Jada Collins, Registered Mental Health Counselor, some therapists believe that Facebook is a ‘no-no’ for married couples. Before a husband and wife decide to have a Facebook, they should lay some ground rules.
     Affairs used to consist of office flings, crushing on your neighbor, picking up on people at the bar, etc but now it is right at our finger tips. Accepting the wrong person as a friend on Facebook, feeling a spark when you see your old boyfriend/girlfriend on there, it opens up doors to infidelity that are new.  So is Faceboook to blame for the rise in extramarital affairs? No no no, it is not to blame, the individual themselves are to blame according to Collins. The individual themselves allow temptation to come onto their Facebook. If you have to think whether or not to accept someone as a friend, simply don’t do it. In my marriage, if an ex tries to friend me, I deny them because I don’t want the drama in my marriage and I don’t want to hurt my husbands feelings. It isn’t worth it.

Why is it that spouses commit Facebook Affairs; here is what Jada Collins stated:

1. Easy Access
2. Lack of Boundaries
3. Refusal to take responsibility

If you and your spouse decide it is okay to get Facebook accounts, here are some times from Collins on how to safeguard it:

Tips to Safeguard your marriage:

1. Discuss expectations and concerns with your spouse
2. Create social networking boundaries
3. Spouses need to exchange user names and passwords. (No phony accounts.. This applies to
         email accounts as well).
4. Do not use social networking as a replacement for interaction with your partner
5. Communicate openly as concerns arise(No matter how insignificant a concern may be, it can
        rapidly turn into a big issue and source of contention so it is best to adequately and honestly
        address it).
6. Choose friends wisely; be careful of adding provocative and flirtation acquaintances, or old
        flames(guys want to recapture their youth and we all know what young guys want- relive their
        "conquests".  Women will see what the guy wants them to see and will want what they passed
         up- afterall the guy will look like a prince through Facebook).
"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush".  Guarantee that most spouses are far better than an old flame because you know exactly what you have in your spouse and that "the person the old flame is showing you" is in reality NOT who they are. 

CHEATING IN THE 21ST CENTURY...

With the proliferation of smartphones and social media, cheating and infidelity have found their new 21st Century outlets. Many couples embroiled in the difficult and devastating effects of marital infidelity, or cheating, have found their spouse to be texting another man or woman, or to have rekindling or developing a relationship on a social media site like Facebook.
     Cheating online is such a loaded issue. Often times, suspecting spouses or partners have to act on “their gut” when they attempt to uncover their partner’s extramarital or extrarelationship behaviors. A lot of times, that instinctive feeling is confirmed when the partner finds incriminating (and often highly sexually suggestive) evidence on their phones, or in their social media accounts. A lot of times a partner has password access to the other’s e-mail box, and going against what they know better to do, they start the investigative process to procure that evidence against their cheating spouse.
As far as online “flirting” while engaged in another relationship, it’s really a slippery slope. Flirting is still transmitting sexual energy, in an indirect way, to someone else other than the one you love. It says something about one’s “leaky” sexual energy that’s not being channeled into the primary relationship, which is indicative of possible intimacy problems. I know a lot of people say that “well, I’m just a flirtatious person.” Again, it’s hard to say, but this is a socially acceptable way of saying that we are giving people are sexual energy through our communication or behaviors. Men think abotu sex all day, and fantasize about having sex with lots of women. It doesn’t mean we, as men, need to incorporate those fantasies into behaviors that undermine our self-control and our original relationships.
     But does it mean that social media and texting promotes more cheating and infidelity? My opinion is no. My thinking is that if a partner is wanting badly enough to act on extramarital feelings, they’ll do it. Facebook and text messaging merely provide the convenient vehicles, unfortunately. People will find a way to cheat if they’re so inclined.
     Unfortunately, these digital vehicles provide cheaters with way better technology than they were used to before. We’re reunited with long-lost boyfriends and girlfriends from our youth, ranging from high school crushes to college sweethearts to past office romances. Even if we “don’t mean to” start something romantic up with someone, if our desire is there to do it, we might do it. If we happen to be trolling the same sites over and over again when we’re surfing (Facebook, Twitter), chances are that were going to continue to put ourselves in the same uncompromising position over and over again. I hear from a lot of partners that their behavior is “innocent,” and that its curiosity to them why their partner is fearful or doesn’t trust them. The threshold erodes and gets lower with each encounter, and soon, the cheating behaviors may be the next logical step for some.
     Choosing to communicate in these ways surely has negative effects. If we find ourselves hiding communication from our partner, and not wanting to disclose that digital relationship with the one that’s closest to us, we may have a problem. By using social media sites for more than just entertainment, because were lonely, angry at our spouse, or not feeling affirmed or wanted by our partner, we end up transmitting and bleeding out sexual energy over the Internet. We may not “mean to do this,” but if we are unfulfilled emotionally or sexually, that energy is necessarily going to come out in way that we interact, whether that’s over the Internet or live in person with someone.
Here’s some tips to help you if you’re not sure if you’re starting to cheat online:

1. Ask yourself, ” Would my partner approve of this? What would I do if I were in his/her shoes?”
2. Ask yourself, ” What am I really wanting from this person online? Do I want have sex with them? Do I want them to validate me or affirm me, to feel good? Do I want something from them that my partner can’t give to me now?
3. Be aware of what you type, in terms of the type of energy that you’re emitting. Is it sexual or flirtatious in nature? Is it invitational or suggestive to the other person? What is the overall tone of your messages online?
4. Start to become aware of the cover-up behaviors, like denying that you’re communicating with someone online when your partner asks what’s happening online with you.
5. Talk with your partner or spouse about what happens online. Do you both know each other’s Facebook friends? Start to open up dialogue with your loved one about your online activity, and if you have nothing to fear, this communication will enhance your relationship. If you have something to fear or coverup, then refer back to tip number one.
6. Start to identify the unmet needs for you in your relationship or marriage. A lot of the time, cheating starts without the intention to cheat, and begins quite “innocently.” If you can start to identify those things that you’re not getting in your relationship, and be able to communicate them to your partner, you’re going to go a long way towards identifying the problem before it becomes a disaster. Often times, cheating starts from this point.

     Cheating and infidelity have been here long before the advent of the Internet, social media, smart phones and text messaging. In the future, with even newer technology, cheating and infidelity will find a home there, too. It comes down to us, as the individuals in relationships, to help ourselves, and to start to identify if we’re starting the slippery slope towards cheating and infidelity in our own relationship.

UH OH!!! DANGER WILL ROBINSON.

How do you know if your online behaviors are nearing dangerous?
• You hesitate before friending this person
• You're more committed to checking your email
• Getting away from a computer or mobile device is more difficult than working a Rubik's cube.
• You're far more open with your online "friend" than with your mate.
• You lock your mobile device and computer tighter than Fort Knox to assure your mate doesn't invade
   your privacy.
• Meeting face-to-face seems like a better idea then talking online and your are making plans to meet.
• Time spent with your online "friend" exceeds time spent with family or work.
• Wondering what your "friend" is doing becomes your primary past time.
• Either of you expresses feelings for the other person.
• Your attraction for your "friend" exceeds your attraction for your mate.
• If either of you say, "this may be inappropriate, we need to slow down." When that happens, you don't
   need to cut back, you need to cut it off because you've become addicted to that person.

What to do if an online relationship has become a problem:
• Do what is necessary to terminate the relationship or behavior. The gradual process is of no use at
   all. Cut it off !
If you find you can't stop it, then get help either from a professional counselor, pastor, or 12-step books.
                                              Do whatever it takes to get disentangled!!!!!!!!!!• Do the work to discover what it was that made you vulnerable in the first place and what made
  your marriage vulnerable.
• Tell your spouse what's going on, but don't blame your spouse.

• Bad marriages don't cause this, bad choices do.
• Take personal responsibility.
• Realize your spouse will be upset, but they need to know you're choosing them over the behavior or person.

• Work on healing and growing your marriage.

• Trust must be re-established and as time progresses it will return.
• It's important.....Paramount to be 100% honest and truthful even when your spouse asks questions that you know will be painful.
• Transparency is the key- to rebuild trust it is important that action in your day that can be perceived as an opportunity to communicate with the "friend" is shown/discussed with your spouse. 
• COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR SPOUSE but do so understanding that they have been deeply hurt by the one person that, in their minds, should NEVER hurt them.  If you love your spouse and know that the relationship with the "friend" was a mistake and not what you want for your future then take responsibility, discuss, prove, love and live.

Social Media and Marriages

What makes us vulnerable to social media relationships? With social media affairs being a rising number in divorce cases, what is it about these social media relationships that make us drawn to them?

There are six reasons why sites such as Facebook or Twitter make us vulnerable:

 

1. Quick Response: The instant gratification of online access allows rapid reinforcement of

                                  behavior, which causes emotions to drive the process rather than our rational

                                  self.

 

2. Accessibility: The Internet provides access to people we would never rub elbows with in our

                            normal life.

 

3. The Online Disinhibition Effect: Due to the invisibility provided by the Internet, people are less

                                                           inhibited and will say or do things online they would

                                                           never speak or do to someone in person.

 

4. Anonymity: Not being known or known but not seen for years by the other party allows an

                         individual to role play whatever personality or life story they can imagine. It's a

                         powerful drug to have others respond to you as the person you've always wanted to

                         be.

5. Affordability: People think that if it's not hurting anyone, then there's no harm. The fact that there

                             seems to be no apparent cost associated with the behavior (either financially or

                             relationally) makes it seem more acceptable.

6. The Illusion of Secrecy: This allows for self-gratification. People think that no one will know

                                             they are living a secret life and fulfilling their fantasies while living as a

                                             married person.

If you see yourself attracted to any of these examples while online and you are married, you may want to take a step back and reevaluate your situation before you make a big mistake.

As divorce rates rise, specifically those related to relationships started or lost relationships rekindled due to the accessibility via Social Media, it is obvious that the illusion of secrecy is just that.... an illusion.  Whether in person or through the internet, real emotions can develop and lead to a physical relationship outside of one's marriage. 

Equally as damaging is the Emotional Infidelity that comes from the online disinhibition effect and quick response.  A married individual should NEVER share problems with their spouse or intimate thoughts with another through any mode of communication.  When one makes the conscious decision to marry another, their spouse should be granted EXCLUSIVITY meaning intimate thoughts and fantasies are to be shared ONLY with them.  As adults and partners any and all problems should be discussed between the husband and wife, not parents, friends, online chat partners, etc. 

Social Media is the playground for predators who target unsuspecting and vulnerable people.  These predators all have one thing in common.... They have been unable to maintain effective, respectful and loving relationships in their lives and they thrive in the anonymity of the internet because they can fabricate their ideal life and be whom they wish to be (which in many instances is exactly opposite of how they actually are in "real" life).  It is ashame that so many lives are destroyed and so much pain is caused because of misuse of social media. 

YOU'VE BEEN CHEATED ON.... SO WHAT NOW?

You have been cheated on, now what? Do you have a chance to save the relationship? Do you want to save your relationship? What do I need to take into consideration?

Get real.
The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior. What do you predict? If your partner has cheated on you repeatedly and now swears he/she will stop, what are the chances that this is true? You can't change what you don't acknowledge. Isn't there a point at which you say, "I deserve better. My children deserve better. He/She may not have any boundaries, but I do. And my boundaries say, 'You either treat me with integrity, dignity and respect or you don't treat me at all'?" Stand up for yourself and for your children. You've given your power away and you've got to get it back.
This is not your fault.
Stop beating yourself up about this. You have got to know that this has nothing to do with you. You are not the one who made the decision to break your commitment to your partner and cheat. You have nothing to do with your partner making the immature, inappropriate, self-destructive choice to turn away from you to someone else.
What is your payoff?
Do you want to get past this? Or is there a payoff you receive from the situation? Do you enjoy playing the victim or subjecting your partner to a life sentence? Do you fear that if you forgive a partner who truly is remorseful and has changed his/her behavior that you are "letting them get away with it?"
Assess your commitment level.
You can either handle being vulnerable with your partner again or you can't. And if you can't, you need to get out of this relationship and move on. And if you can, then you need to let him/her earn the trust back and start putting this relationship together again.
Consider the consequences.
If you have children, your decision will affect them as well. You do have responsibility here for what you do next. You have to make a decision about whether or not justice is best served by allowing your partner to re-earn your trust, or if it's better not to subject your family any longer to the current situation.
Decide if you can choose to forgive.
Forgiveness is a choice. It doesn't mean what your partner did is OK. How much you trust your partner is in part about what your partner does, and in part a function of whether you have confidence to handle it if he/she disappoints you. If you find out that he/she strays again, can you handle that?
If you can't forgive, let go.
When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences. If you continue to throw this in your partner's face, you will eventually run him/her off. Ask yourself if this is going to be a life sentence for your partner. Can you heal from this and forgive? If not, don't continue to live in anger and/or be with someone who causes you pain.

The Apple Truely Does Not Fall Far....

I have found myself recently thinking alot about my father who has been deceased for 18 years.  I look at my life now and more specifically my life as a husband and father and can see, in many areas, my dad's stamp.  When we are young, particular during the times of our deserved punishment, we often times say, "When I have kids I will let them do w hatever they want to do" or "I will never treat my kids like he (or in case of mothers- she) does me."  I smile and shake my head at the memory of such thoughts and statements as I too made.  Fast forward to today.... We generally  become the parents that we said we would never become.  If our father's were present and active in our lives whether through being present and supportive or absent, we tend to maintain the same characteristics in our parenting.  Its a learned behavior.  However, some who were traumatized in their youth will purpose and hold to the exact opposite in their child rearing for better or worse.  My father was a gruf and moody authoritarian but he tempered both with love.  He had me, at a very early age, to a place that a certain look was all it took for me to "get back in line".  I can only recall two instances in my life where my father physically disciplined me.  I look at that in two different lights- the first is that I was an obedient child with very little need for correction but those who knew me growing up know better.  The second- he was a good father and had instilled in me that the worse punishment that I could undergo was simply knowing that I had disappointed him hence the effectiveness of the "look".  I watched as this man never missed a day of work.  Sickness, bad weather, first, second, or third shift or injury- He was always present and working to make a life for me.  His idea of the ultimate shame was to be "put out of work due to black lung or disability".  It was the drive to always work that ultimately led to his premature death from lung cancer in that he did not return for a followup following a required work physical that revealed a spot in his left lung.  He was convinced that it was black lung and would be put out of work on disability due to it.  I get angry when I think of his stubborness regarding this event but my anger quickly subsides and turns to thankfullness because it was his work ethic that has made me the man I am today.  When making decisions I pause and use my experience from my life with my father as the measuring stick.  Would he approve?  What would he do? I realize that alot of his ways were very rigid so I don't respond exactly the way I think he would on many things but I do incorporate it in my process.  He was one of the best men that I have had the privilege to know and I am honored that it was this man who raised me. 
I am a father to two sons and I have tried to instill in them through action and word the wisdom of my father.  I understand that we live in a different time and society has vastly changed since the days of my youth but some things remain the same.  As fathers(parents) we receive the same disappointment and gratification from the actions of our children.  I have fought to provide an environment supportive to my children to be "raised" with minimal dysfunction.  To have what is considered a "normal" upbringing- a home with a traditional family where the mother and father are together(which is becoming more and more rare due to the perversion of society), to model good work ethic and chastisement (correction tempered with love).  I fall in line with my father's thoughts and feelings about not working.  Being on disability, for me, would bring feelings of worthlessness and shame.  Maybe that aversion will bring me to the place of my death at some point but i can think of far worse ways and purposes to die.  My sons have made mistakes and through them I have felt disappoinment but the fact remains that they are my sons and I will always love them.  They both live to atleast attempt to "do the right things".  They dont necessarily do things that they know is illegal.  For example, I have always told my boys that if I found that they were selling drugs that I would personally take them to the authorities and tell them so they will be removed as to not be a source leading to the destruction of the lives and consequently families of the ones they sell the drugs to.  They know this and they have successfully avoided the temptation for the "easy money".  Its as much about being there, modeling what is correct and supporting them while they are growing up that allows them to make the informed decisions.  Someone that I am acquainted with is a father who made the decision to be absent and not support his children.  His 16 year old son is scheduled for court tomorrow because he was caught with narcotics and marijuana with intent to distribute.  This is not his first offense.  He(the father) has a history of running afoul of the law.  He has no respect for boundaries.  As far as I can tell from his history, he had no relationship with his mother and his father was in the military thus was a strict authoritarian.  He must have made the decision to be one of the people who determined to do the exact opposite of his upbringing which has obviously been a mistake.  The sins of the father.....  And unfortunately it is too late for him to make a difference in his 16 year olds life.  I can imagine the resentment his son holds for his father's choice to be absent... In not fighting to maintain the marriage to his mother.... For inheriting the reputation of his father's choices.  See, our children bear the reputation that the father has made.  "Oh, that's so and so's son... you know the alcoholic.... The molestor... The woman beater..., etc" .  It's not fair but it is a fact.  It is my desire and goal to set a standard for my sons to obtain and maintain.  To be faithful to God and the woman they choose to marry.  To work hard... To obey the law.. To take a stand when someone wrongly attacks or does wrong..  To be a good father... To be a good man... So that we continue the legacy that was started by my grandfather, continued with my father and me and will be there when I am dead and gone and my sons look back as I am today with thankfulness and pride.

A ROSE IS A ROSE IS A ROSE

Words that describe infidelity are marital disloyalty, unfaithfulness, a breach of trust, adultery, etc. It doesn’t specify that it is emotional or physical, but traditionally people believed that cheating was a physical betrayal.  Can you be cheating on your partner if it isn’t physical? Would you say that finding an email from your husband to another woman telling her intimate things about himself and showing interest in her would be considered a breach of trust? I definitely say so.

According to Cathy Meyer, a Certified Divorce Coach and Marriage Educator, there is a difference between a physical affair and an emotional affair.

The primary difference between a physical affair and an emotional affair is actual, physical contact. Usually, cheating involves people meeting face – to - face, and then engaging in physical intimacy. With an emotional affair, there may be a meeting, but it can occur on a cell phone or a computer and there is no physical intimacy. Many of the people who are emotionally cheating don’t consider it to be infidelity. Their thinking is that, because there is no actual physical contact, the behavior can’t be considered cheating.  The end result is that the unfaithful spouse is paying more emotional attention to someone other than their partner, and they are removing themselves from the commitment they made to their marriage.

Could an emotional affair lead into a physical affair? According to Meyer, it can.
An emotional affair begins with the exchange of personal information. As the people involved get acquainted, the information becomes more personal. Some argue that an emotional affair is harmless because it is more of a casual relationship than traditional cheating; however, the intimate nature of the communication, plus the emotional investment made by the people involved, places an emotional affair on the same level or worse as traditional cheating.  It is much more dangerous for a marriage should your spouse connect with someone emotionally than physically. Anyone who finds himself or herself drawn to another person on an emotional level should consider the possible consequences of such an affair. Emotional affairs are just as likely to lead to divorce and physical affairs.

 While it is healthy and normal for people to have friendships outside the marriage with men and women, an emotional affair threatens the emotional bond between spouses. Friendships are based on attraction, in that we are drawn to various qualities of our friends. Healthy friendships and attractions don't need to threaten a marriage at all, but add richness and enjoyment to life. When an attraction turns into an obsession or into an affair, it can become harmful to everyone involved and nothing is more harmful to a marriage than the breakdown of the emotional bond marital partners have for each other.  To violate trust in a marriage can be both physical and emotional. Something that may start off as innocent can quickly lead into something that could end up ending your marriage.   When you have to hide anything from your husband or wife you know you are playing with fire so why even put yourself through it?  Its pointless.

Thinking About Trust...

Trust is defined:
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

2. confident expectation of something; hope.

3. confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received.

4. a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.

5. the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.

 

I like the words- reliance, integrity, surety, confident, expectation and hope.  Those words are very powerful and within me brings a feeling of warmth, comfort and safety.  What and whom is it appropriate that we place our reliance in their integrity so we can have confidence and surety to maintain an expectation and hope that they will be able to instill in us that feeling of safety?  I look at my life and my past is littered with people whom I misplaced my trust.  I can honestly say that at times in my life that I even misplaced trust in myself.  We all do.  We all know the sting and pain that comes from someone we care about discarding our trust in them.  Those times should stand as a lesson learned but I have found that it is inate in us to want to trust.  The feeling of security that comes from trusting is unlike any other.  I mean, we can put our seatbelt on and "feel" safe and secure but in reality people still get hurt and killed in car crashes.  I carry my pistol everywhere I go and do feel a sense of security but I know that in the unfortunate event that I find it necessary to have to use it, in those split seconds, many things could go wrong so I dont completely trust so the security I feel is unlike the security that we seek from placing our trust in people.  As I think about it, the people we love the most, the ones that we should be able to place our trust in to love and protect us back are the ones that hurt us the most.  Initially trust is like a brand new sheet of paper.  It is smooth, crisp and clean.  The promise it holds in being the keeper of beautiful words or beautiful art.  Now imagine taking that beautiful clean and smooth piece of paper and crumple it up in your hand.  Its still the same piece of paper and holds the same promise but as you uncrumple the paper, you see the creases, the folds, the imperfections and you realize that it will never be the same.  So it is with trust.  We give it to someone and when they deem it unimportant and discard its beauty and purity, it will never be the same.  But in our innate desire to want to place our trust in someone, whether they have proven to deserve it or not, we selfishly give it to once again feel that deep sense of security that can only come from giving it.  The words, "I'm sorry" or "Please Forgive me" are the key for most to nod their heads, smile and instantly give it again because of their need.  I know, I liken my trust to a yo-yo.  Throughout my life people have betrayed my trust- I take away my trust, they apologize- I give it back and it goes on and on.  I guess it is my hope that at some point they will actually mean and feel their apology and not betray my trust again.  How silly am I?  I am at the place in my life where I feel a "wall" being built against the hurt.  Afterall, is any of us ever really safe and secure?

GETTING WHAT ONE WANTS REGARDLESS THE COST

Each and every human being has desires... Wants...  Some are shallow while others are heartfelt.  The driving force to obtain the objects of one's desires is powerful and in some instances cause the abandonment of all reason.  Generally by the time someone is 6 years old, if parenting has been provided, they know the difference between "right and wrong".  As we mature we develop thought processes that can, in the presence of mental illness or ineffective parenting, justify any action.  I myself desire enough money to provide for my family and to be comfortable in life.  My driving force is strong to be able to provide at a level that my family has grown accustomed.  My thought process, understanding the difference between right and wrong, is that if I work hard then I will be rewarded with the income I need to fulfill my desire.  I have found this to be true throughout my life.  I have found myself standing in the check-out line at a convenience store looking at the cases filled with lottery tickets and I feel a "urging" to purchase one, two or more and thinking how great it would be if I won the jackpot and then daydream of all the wonderful things I would do with the winnings.  Rationally, I know that I have a better chance of getting struck by lightening than I do winning any appreciable amount of money so breaking the daydream my thought process concludes with it being a waste of money in hand for a poor chance of winning more.  The lottery thought process is the most irrational that goes through my mind thankfully due to effective parenting by my father who instilled a strong work ethic, morals and values during my childhood.  Some people on the other hand will take the thought one step further and in some instances will actually act on it.  It is easy for them to envision robbing a bank, store or individual to get the money they desire.  Generally this is a means to an end such as buying drugs or sex.  I imagine that none ever imagine or actually do it with the the intent to "take care of my family."  They are willing to steal and hurt others so they can meet their desires.  They are willing to take what others have worked hard and invested in to obtain.  That is twisted thinking and shows that they had a crappy upbringing and in most cases are mentally ill. 
     Now apply that same thought process to any desire such as that of being with another persons spouse.  In our society we know it is wrong to commit adultery otherwise it wouldnt be known as an illicit relationship.  In such a relationship both parties are at fault but more lies in the lap of the unmarried participant.  Again, due to their sorry upbringing and mental illness, their desire is most important.  More important than the damage to the other people involved- the betrayed spouse, children, families, they are simply concerned with what they want.  Most of the unmarried participants have a wake of failed relationships behind them.  Failed marriages, poor relationships with their parents, strained relationships with their children from those failed marriages.  If we stop and look at their multitude of damaged relationships then it is easy to see where the problem lies- with faulty thought processes, poor self control, lack of intelligence and inability to recognize and honor boundaries.  Looking deeper into their background, in many cases, their will be numerous legal issues brought about by not respecting boundaries.  These individuals feel as though they "answer to no one".  I have heard it said by one such individual who meets the criteria for both poor upbringing and mental illness that he "Answers to no man."  I laugh when I think of the delusion of not being accountable.  This person has a "rap sheet" with 42 infractions that stand to indicate that atleast 42 times he answered to someone.  I have concluded that individuals who participate in affairs and prey on those that are married are living in a type of Fantasy world where they have difficulty determining fiction from reality.  Most are sociopaths and pathological liars.  The individual that comes to my mind cannot maintain gainful employment, has no home to call his own, basically lives a nomadic existence where he as he quotes from Gone With The Wind, "I rely on the kindness of strangers" but then turns around and metaphorically stabs them in the back.  He is content to live off money that he does not earn.  His family relationships at best and saying it kindly are "strained".  His son is following in his footsteps in that he already, just old enough to legally drive, was arrested for possession with intent to distribute marijuana and controlled narcotics and will stand before a judge in one week- poor and absent parenting is definitely a contributing factor.  How can a person not stop and take a realistic inventory of their life and see that they definitely are not the person they have led themselves to believe and try to portray to the world?  He beats his chest arrogantly while proclaiming to all that he is humble and not full of pride.  I would agree that his life is nothing to be prideful about but his actions and choices to not respect boundaries reveals the truth.  He is in no way humble.  He is pathological.  There is no other way one can live with their actions and function in their delusion without lying most of all to themselves and being gullible enough to believe what they tell themselves.  Its early juvenile thinking at its best.  All based on what?  The basic human needs primarily sex!  Its like a Peacock spreading its tail feathers to garner the attention of a mate.  But in the case of an illicit relationship the unmarried pursuer seeks vulnerability.  Actually it is more apt to say "the predator" seeks vulerability in its prey.  I am unaware of any marriage that could be defined as "perfect".  All have their problems and those marriages that are founded on love and devotion can overcome the many issues that can plague the marriage.  When hard times happen, one or the other or both spouses can become vulnerable to the "spreading of tail feathers" and be assured that there will always be some proud, delusional "Peacock" around.  People who don't have and cant maintain any relationship search them out trying to prove something to themselves.  Fact is that by seeking and trying to obtain someone who has pledged their love and taken vows to another in some distorted thinking gives him a sense of accomplishment by attempting to prove he can have a relationship but also attempting to minimize his own failure by assisting another person's relationship to fail.  The old saying "Misery loves company" applies in this case.  Rest assured that the wayward spouse will soon find themselves more miserable with this person than they were in their marriage.  Also, by developing a relationship with a dated shelf life will do nothing to repair the damaged family relationships of the unmarried individual.  His actions will just perpetuate his family's feelings toward him as uncaring, unworthy and damaged. 
   Looking at things rationally as I do, why would anyone choose to get involved with someone who would participate in the destruction of a marriage?  Fundamentally it stands to reason that if they don't recognize the boundary that is martimonie, specifically if they have divorce already under their belt then it is expected that he/she would do it again not respecting your feelings.  Add to that, like in the case of the person I am familar, his father is ashamed of him, his children have nothing to do with him, he has enough legal infractions to wall paper his jail cell(when and if incarcerated) and has no appreciable means of employment so is a very poor provider.  How on earth could anyone see such an individual as a viable option for a relationship?  He does not know how to love anyone or anything other than himself which is apparent in his actions and choices.  Only a fool would expect him to be unselfish when his life choices have always been selfish.  After speaking personally with a couple of women whom he had "encounters", in their words, "He was geeky arrogant and not a good lover at all."  One even went as far to say that "when a guy is not very well endowed as he and his belly kept getting in the way then you would think he would try other things and try harder."  Point is this.... The grass is only greener on the other side over the septic tank!  All needs can be met in your marriage only when communication is maintained with your spouse.  Beware of the selfish arrogant Peacocks with little "johnsons" and a large belly cause they are full of crap and will always cost way more than they are worth!

The Power of Love

Back in the day when I had a full head of hear and far less wrinkles a popular song was the "Power of Love".  Not that I was a Celine Dion fan by any stretch of the imagination but as Ive grown older the lyrics make a great deal more sense.... 
The whispers in the morning
Of lovers sleeping tight
Are rolling by like thunder now
As I look in your eyes

I hold on to your body
And feel each move you make
Your voice is warm and tender
A love that I could not forsake

'Cause I'm your lady
And you are my man
Whenever you reach for me
I'll do all that I can

Trust is how I'm feeling
Lying in your arms
when the world sends to much to take
That all ends when I am with you
Even though there may be times
It seems I'm farther away
Never wonder where I am
'Cause I am always by your side

'Cause I am your lady
And you are my man
Whenever you reach for me
I'll do all that I can
We're heading for something
Somewhere I've never been
Sometimes I am frightened
But I'm ready to learn
Of the power of love

The sound of your heart beating
Made it clear suddenly
the feeling that I can't go on
Is a light years away

sometimes i am frightened but im ready to learn
the power of love

The power of love as I know it has two sides.  The positive side portrayed in the song and then the the exact opposite which is something else all together.  Everything has its good and bad and for the majority, unfortunately, we have experienced both sides.  More importantly though I am amazed at how the differences are so dramatic.  Wars have started, tears have been shed, men and women have lost their lives, people have went into seclusion and some have conquered worlds all because of love.  Lives are transformed, mountains are climbed and hearts destroyed in search of it.  People pretend to be something or someone they are not to get it and others will give up all they have to keep it.  In my life some of the most traumatic and life altering issues arise through love(others seeking and me losing).  There is nothing more important to a man than the love of a good and virtuous woman.  The Bible states that a virtuous woman's value is far beyond rubies.  In that I agree for nothing impacts my well-being and outlook on life more significantly than knowing without a doubt that I am loved.  The worst of the worst of my down days have not been the loss of loved ones to death or everyday struggles in life.  The worst of my down days have been when I am placed to wonder if I am truely loved and if I have ever been.  It is my conclusion that love is pure.  Love is powerful.  To love an be loved is a choice and privlege we have but love has a nemesis.  No, it is not hate.  The perversion of love comes through lust.  Lust deceives and masquerades as love thus focusing the power reserved for love to speak and act in ways that love would never truly manifest.  Love does not bring about pain, regret, remorse.  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. Conversely, The simple definition of lust is having a self-absorbed desire for an object, person, or experience. When we are in lust, we place the object of our desire above all things in our lives. Lust is the root of all evil.  Further it is defined as To have an eager, passionate, and especially an inordinate or sinful desire, as for the gratification of the sexual appetite or of covetousness.(I particularly like the last definition).  Lust is the betrayer of love.  Lust renders love powerless.  There is no safety and securtiy in lust because the physical attributes that leads someone to lust is fleeting hence lust is also.  Lust is not patient, is not kind, boasts, is proud.  Lust is rude, is self-seeking, is easily angered, keeps record.  Lust does not delight in truth but rejoices in evil(hiding and hurting those involved).  Lust does not protect, always mistrusts, does not hope and never preseveres.  Lust always fails. Lust may be exciting for a time but  Give me love over lust any day and the knowledge to know the difference!