I have found myself recently thinking alot about my father who has been deceased for 18 years. I look at my life now and more specifically my life as a husband and father and can see, in many areas, my dad's stamp. When we are young, particular during the times of our deserved punishment, we often times say, "When I have kids I will let them do w hatever they want to do" or "I will never treat my kids like he (or in case of mothers- she) does me." I smile and shake my head at the memory of such thoughts and statements as I too made. Fast forward to today.... We generally become the parents that we said we would never become. If our father's were present and active in our lives whether through being present and supportive or absent, we tend to maintain the same characteristics in our parenting. Its a learned behavior. However, some who were traumatized in their youth will purpose and hold to the exact opposite in their child rearing for better or worse. My father was a gruf and moody authoritarian but he tempered both with love. He had me, at a very early age, to a place that a certain look was all it took for me to "get back in line". I can only recall two instances in my life where my father physically disciplined me. I look at that in two different lights- the first is that I was an obedient child with very little need for correction but those who knew me growing up know better. The second- he was a good father and had instilled in me that the worse punishment that I could undergo was simply knowing that I had disappointed him hence the effectiveness of the "look". I watched as this man never missed a day of work. Sickness, bad weather, first, second, or third shift or injury- He was always present and working to make a life for me. His idea of the ultimate shame was to be "put out of work due to black lung or disability". It was the drive to always work that ultimately led to his premature death from lung cancer in that he did not return for a followup following a required work physical that revealed a spot in his left lung. He was convinced that it was black lung and would be put out of work on disability due to it. I get angry when I think of his stubborness regarding this event but my anger quickly subsides and turns to thankfullness because it was his work ethic that has made me the man I am today. When making decisions I pause and use my experience from my life with my father as the measuring stick. Would he approve? What would he do? I realize that alot of his ways were very rigid so I don't respond exactly the way I think he would on many things but I do incorporate it in my process. He was one of the best men that I have had the privilege to know and I am honored that it was this man who raised me.
I am a father to two sons and I have tried to instill in them through action and word the wisdom of my father. I understand that we live in a different time and society has vastly changed since the days of my youth but some things remain the same. As fathers(parents) we receive the same disappointment and gratification from the actions of our children. I have fought to provide an environment supportive to my children to be "raised" with minimal dysfunction. To have what is considered a "normal" upbringing- a home with a traditional family where the mother and father are together(which is becoming more and more rare due to the perversion of society), to model good work ethic and chastisement (correction tempered with love). I fall in line with my father's thoughts and feelings about not working. Being on disability, for me, would bring feelings of worthlessness and shame. Maybe that aversion will bring me to the place of my death at some point but i can think of far worse ways and purposes to die. My sons have made mistakes and through them I have felt disappoinment but the fact remains that they are my sons and I will always love them. They both live to atleast attempt to "do the right things". They dont necessarily do things that they know is illegal. For example, I have always told my boys that if I found that they were selling drugs that I would personally take them to the authorities and tell them so they will be removed as to not be a source leading to the destruction of the lives and consequently families of the ones they sell the drugs to. They know this and they have successfully avoided the temptation for the "easy money". Its as much about being there, modeling what is correct and supporting them while they are growing up that allows them to make the informed decisions. Someone that I am acquainted with is a father who made the decision to be absent and not support his children. His 16 year old son is scheduled for court tomorrow because he was caught with narcotics and marijuana with intent to distribute. This is not his first offense. He(the father) has a history of running afoul of the law. He has no respect for boundaries. As far as I can tell from his history, he had no relationship with his mother and his father was in the military thus was a strict authoritarian. He must have made the decision to be one of the people who determined to do the exact opposite of his upbringing which has obviously been a mistake. The sins of the father..... And unfortunately it is too late for him to make a difference in his 16 year olds life. I can imagine the resentment his son holds for his father's choice to be absent... In not fighting to maintain the marriage to his mother.... For inheriting the reputation of his father's choices. See, our children bear the reputation that the father has made. "Oh, that's so and so's son... you know the alcoholic.... The molestor... The woman beater..., etc" . It's not fair but it is a fact. It is my desire and goal to set a standard for my sons to obtain and maintain. To be faithful to God and the woman they choose to marry. To work hard... To obey the law.. To take a stand when someone wrongly attacks or does wrong.. To be a good father... To be a good man... So that we continue the legacy that was started by my grandfather, continued with my father and me and will be there when I am dead and gone and my sons look back as I am today with thankfulness and pride.
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