Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Get the person back you married....

 
Do you remember the days when you first met your spouse or when you first got married and everything was filled with fun, love and that amazing feeling of being connected? Being away for even a short period of time was like torture. This “honeymoon” phase is complete bliss.
It is easy to steer off that  path and end up lost, confused, angry, sad, lonely, disconnected, etc. We have everyday challenges that can contribute to this-  one of you lost your job, you got too comfortable and stopped trying to look good, maybe one or the other is angry all time because they can’t sleep, or maybe you have kids now and don’t make time for one another. Whatever the case maybe, you want to get back on track and have those blissful days with your love.
It takes effort to get that spark you once had going... Three tips to accomplishing just that: 
1. Spend time with each other. You spent plenty of quality time together when you where dating and first married. You went to plenty of dinners and movies, maybe sports games, etc. So, DO IT AGAIN! Go on an actual date again.

2. Take some of the stress off your spouses shoulders. Does he/she stress every night about getting the
kids to bed, getting  work things ready for the next day AND cleaning? How about both tackle the duties required as to not over burden the other. Bonus: Then write  a little love note and place it where he/she can find it . Its a pleasant surprise to see that during a stressful morning of rushing to work!

3. Talk to your spouse like you used to. Dream together, make plans, talk about the good ol' days.
Plan a trip together, even if just a pretend trip to somewhere special. Talk to each other, talk a lot, connect and reach out to each other! Ask questions about his/her day, life, dreams and fears. And really really listen to the answers!

Realize that your spouse can't make love to you the way you'd like unless he/she feels CONNECTED to you first. Women feel connected by hearing and seeing that they're loved. Men feel connected when they are complimented and touched.  No man or woman just "know" they are loved all the time. We need to be reminded everyday, several times a day! If your spouse feels repeatedly connected to you, she/he will reciprocate and make you feel connected as well (aka, by making love to you!) 
 

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

BPD uncontrolled is a dangerous

Another example of extremes... The pic of the FB post shows a change to a peaceful image for a profile pic but then posts a link to a song that states:
"Plug me in, I'm alive tonight"
"Out on the streets again"
(the FB author has been incarcerated recently for DUI and Assault with a deadly weapon).
"Turn me on, I'm high tonight"
(FB author has history of substance abuse).
"Something you'll never forget"
(delusion of grandeur)
"Take my fist to break down walls"
(FB author has history of violent outbursts)
"I'll top tonight, no, no"
"Better turn me loose"
"Better set me free"
"Cause I'm hot, I'm young, running free"
(Thumbing his nose at the legal system)
"Little bit better than I used to be"
(Again, delusion of grandeur)
THE FOLLOWING LYRICS ARE CONCERNING CONSIDERING THE FB AUTHORS HISTORY OF ASSAULT AND BATTERY ON A FEMALE:
"I'll either break her face or get down her legs"
"Getting my best at will"
"Go for the throat and never let loose"
"Goin for the kill"
The psychiatric profile of this individual is criminally delusional. He has proven that rehabilitation is not possible for a man that takes it upon himself to ever hurt a female. Is his identification with the lyrics just a sick and perverted fantasy or does he intend to make it reality? Either way he is an example of a man that needs to be institutionalized for life.

Monday, January 14, 2013

PARANOIA AND INDECISIVENESS IN SEVERE MENTAL ILLNESS

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental disorder characterized by disturbed and unstable interpersonal relationships and self-image, along with impulsive, reckless, and often self-destructive behavior.
Individuals with BPD have a history of unstable interpersonal relationships. They have difficulty interpreting reality and view significant people in their lives as either completely flawless or extremely unfair and uncaring (a phenomenon known as "splitting"). These alternating feelings of idealization and devaluation are the hallmark feature of borderline personality disorder. Because borderline patients set up such excessive and unrealistic expectations for others, they are inevitably disappointed when their expectations aren't realized.
Symptoms

The handbook used by mental health professionals to diagnose mental disorders is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). The 2000 edition of this manual (fourth edition, text revised) is known as the DSM-IV-TR. Published by the American Psychiatric Association, the DSM contains diagnostic criteria, research findings, and treatment information for mental disorders. It is the primary reference for mental health professionals in the United States. BPD was first listed as a disorder in the third edition DSM-III, which was published in 1980, and has been revised in subsequent editions.

The DSM-IV-TR requires that at least five of the following criteria (or symptoms) be present in an individual for a diagnosis of borderline disorder:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or
perceived abandonment
2. Pattern of unstable and
intense interpersonal relationships,
characterized by alternating between
idealization and devaluation ("love-
hate" relationships)
3. Extreme, persistently unstable self-
image and sense of self impulsive
behavior in at least two areas (such as
spending, sex, substance abuse,
reckless driving, binge eating)
4. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures,
or threats, or recurring acts of self-
mutilation (such as cutting or burning
oneself)
5. Unstable mood caused by brief but
intense episodes of depression,
irritability, or anxiety chronic feelings
of emptiness
6. Inappropriate and intense anger, or
difficulty controlling anger displayed
through temper outbursts, physical
fights, and/or sarcasm
7. Stress-related paranoia that passes
fairly quickly and/or severe dissociative
symptoms— feeling disconnected from
one's self, as if one is an observer of
one's own actions.

Borderline personality disorder typically first appears in early adulthood. Although the disorder may occur in adolescence, it may be difficult to diagnose, since borderline symptoms such as impulsive and experimental behaviors, insecurity, and mood swings are common—even developmentally appropriate—occurrences at this age.

Borderline symptoms may also be the result of chronic substance abuse and/or medical conditions (specifically, disorders of the central nervous system). These should be ruled out before making the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder.

BPD commonly occurs with mood disorders (i.e., depression and anxiety), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), eating disorders, attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and other personality disorders. It has also been suggested by some researchers that borderline personality disorder is not a true pathological condition in and of itself, but rather a number of overlapping personality disorders; it is, however, commonly recognized as a separate and distinct disorder by the American Psychiatric Association and by most mental health professionals. It is diagnosed by interviewing the patient, and matching symptoms to the DSM criteria. Supplementary testing may also be necessary.

Treatment
Individuals with borderline personality disorder seek psychiatric help and hospitalization at a much higher rate than people with other personality disorders, probably due to their fear of abandonment and their need to seek idealized interpersonal relationships. These patients represent the highest percentage of diagnosed personality disorders (up to 60%).

Providing effective therapy for the borderline personality patient is a necessary, but difficult, challenge. The therapist-patient relationship is subject to the same inappropriate and unrealistic demands that borderline personalities place on all their significant interpersonal relationships. They are chronic "treatment seekers" who become easily frustrated with their therapist if they feel they are not receiving adequate attention or empathy, and symptomatic anger, impulsivity, and self-destructive behavior can impede the therapist-patient relationship. However, their fear of abandonment, and of ending the therapy relationship, may actually cause them to discontinue treatment as soon as progress is made.

Psychotherapy , typically in the form of cognitive-behavioral therapy , is usually the treatment of choice for borderline personalities. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), a cognitive-behavioral technique, has emerged as an effective therapy for borderline personalities with suicidal tendencies. The treatment focuses on giving the borderline patient self-confidence and coping tools for life outside of treatment through a combination of social skill training, mood awareness and meditative exercises, and education on the disorder. Group therapy is also an option for some borderline patients, although some may feel threatened by the idea of "sharing" a therapist with others.

Medication is not considered a first-line treatment choice, but may be useful in treating some symptoms of the disorder and/or the mood disorders that have been diagnosed in conjunction with BPD. Recent clinical studies indicate that naltrexone may be helpful in relieving physical discomfort related to dissociative episodes.

Prognosis
The disorder usually peaks in young adulthood and frequently stabilizes after age 30. Approximately 75–80% of borderline patients attempt or threaten suicide , and between 8–10% are successful. If the borderline patient suffers from depressive disorder, the risk of suicide is much higher. For this reason, swift diagnosis and appropriate interventions are critical.

Prevention recommendations are scarce. The disorder may be genetic and not preventable. The only known prevention would be to ensure a safe and nurturing environment during childhood.

Difficulty exists in differentiating BPD and Type I Bipolar Disorder. Classic presentation reveals delusions of grandeur. The attached screenshot is indicative of an unstable thought process. Notice the initiation of the post- "to whom ever is attacking my account. Yes I do know you.." The authors thought process cycles to extremes. "To whom ever" indicates the author has no idea of identity but then swings to the affirmative, "Yes I do know you." That is an example of a rapid cycle and paranoia. Next notice the end, "keep going like this and only bad things will happen in your life.." This is an example of delusional thinking brought about by anger. How can one guarantee that everything that happens in another's life be only bad especially when identified in the opening as whom ever? Even if the author is actually aware of the identity (which is not likely based on the authors admission) it is impossible to ensure that only bad things will happen in their life. This was an attempt by the author to stroke their own self identity and ego. Knowing the legal and psychiatric history of the author finds BPD being appropriate. What a sad existence but fortunately through compliance with intensive outpatient CBT and appropriate anti-psychotic medication this individual may be able to live a life void of institutionalization (whether penal or psychiatric). The problem however is that compliance is not easy for suffers of the disorder.





Thursday, January 10, 2013

What not to do...

One of the most common mental exercises the cheated upon may experience after the discovery of an affair is the expectation that they will try harder to win back the cheater. This expectation either comes from the cheater directly -- "I cheated because you're a lousy [partner, housekeeper, lover]" -- and how are you going to up your game to keep me? Or it comes from the codependency of the betrayed spouse -- "What did I do to make them cheat? And how can I be a better partner to make them stay?" Often both dynamics are at play and feed into each other. The cheater, of course, is quite happy to pin this crap on you.
When terrible things happen, it's very natural to want to feel a sense of control. To think, oh if I'd only done X, Y would not have resulted. If you are at fault, the reasoning goes, then you could fix this. (Codependents love to fix things.) So you will take this crappy situation and think you can control the outcome by just trying harder.
This is a bad idea for several reasons. First, you aren't at fault for another's cheating. That's on them. As they say in therapy about people behaving self destructively, there's a Three C Rule -- "you didn't cause it, you cannot cure it, and you cannot control it."
Second, if you see the affair as a competition that you must try harder to "win," the marriage becomes a bidding war between the betrayed spouse and the affair partner. The best response is to fold, because the game is rigged. They want to sit impassively while you do the humiliating dance of "pick me!" This makes them feel powerful, central, special.
Cheating comes from a sense of entitlement. All you do when you compete for your marriage is solidify that entitlement -- that it is your job to ensure the happiness of the cheater, and hey, you missed a spot. Healthy relationships are based upon reciprocity and mutual respect. Infidelity is a toxically lopsided situation. Cheaters want the scales tipped in their favor (more attention, more ego stroking, more sex, more materialism) at your expense. They just don't want to try that hard, and they're gonna sulk if you make them.
What does the humiliating dance look like?
  • Mounting a defense of the marriage and trying too hard sell your cheater on What You Have Together.
  • Eating the sh*t sandwich. Not bringing up the affair. Stuffing your emotions so as not to upset the cheater with your distress.
  • Believing that the cheater's need for "happiness" is paramount to the commitment they made to you. If they want to break that commitment, fine, there are honest ways to do that, beginning with a divorce lawyer. If they want to work on happiness, there is therapy, God, and working at pet shelters. But they cannot have all the benefits of marriage and a side emotional or physical relationship because they aren't "happy."
  • Let's make a deal! This the bargaining stage of grief, that as long as you try harder to make the cheater happy, they won't betray you. Their happiness, however, is an ever moving target. If you do not want to be in an open marriage, don't be. It's one thing to be presented with that from the start. It's quite another thing for a cheater to renegotiate the terms after an affair is discovered. Be true to yourself and what you need.
  • Super spouse! Are you having hysterical bonding sex, going to the gym, and dressing spiffier? If you're trying to be a better you to "win," you're just rewarding them. Be a better you for you. Your next partner will appreciate it a lot more than they will.
Finally, don't beg. Don't grab their ankles as they walk out the door. Don't drape yourself over furniture weeping. Let them go. Don't ever do the humiliating dance of "pick me." You're better than that.