Time And Old Wounds..

They say that "time heals all wounds" and I would agree that the pain of an emotional wound dissipates over time but I have to disagree that it "heals".  I guess it is safe to say that the definition of "heal" is much like that of "normal" in that it is subjective and varies from day to day depending on the surroundings and events in ones life.  It is dependent upon the depth of the wound, the trauma that accompanied wounding that imprints In ones subconscious leading to triggers that can re-ignite, to varying degrees, the memory and discomfort of the initial event.  Sounds, actions and behaviors in others, specific dates, etc can make the trauma experienced seem just like yesterday.. 

This ties into another old saying- "forgive and forget".  Forgiving is a conscious choice all can make but forgetting... Well that is not so easy especially following a trauma. Phobias, irrational and rational fears stem from traumatic imprinting. Due to the biochemical complexity of our thought process it makes it virtually impossible to forget... Speaking for myself, when I see certain behaviors in those close to me, emotional traumas associated floods my thoughts.. When key dates approach certain parts of a traumatic event can be recalled verbatim and with great descriptive accuracy.  Years can seem like yesterday.  The complexity of the mind develops the ability as a defense mechanism.  I'm still on the fence as to whether that is a good or bad thing... I guess once again, time will tell.

Reading Between the Lines

Looking at the current political climate it is painfully obvious that people in general are inherently gullible and pre-disposed to be dishonest.  Pick any politician and think about their campaigns, the speeches and promises they made in their bid to be elected to employment. It's simple- they lie, without concern for the fallout, about the issues that are important to us and the voting majority believe their dishonesty.  

Now apply that same psychological characteristic to everyone in your life.  Spouses, Family and friends have a deeper intimate knowledge of the things we hold important and more specific our absolutes- the situations that we are unyielding, the issues that would lead us to make concrete changes.  Lets say for example ones significant other frivolously buys something that they know will upset their mate and proceeds to hide the purchase but their significant other finds out, is hurt by the deceit but then accepts the betrayal following nothing more than a few "conversations" and an apology.  The dishonesty still occurred just as the it does in the case of politicians.  It is the same and the response is similar because just as the voting majority, the significant other accepts that its insignificant and based on the spouses "it will never happen again" the dishonesty becomes an after thought after all it did not go against an "absolute".  Now lets propose that the betrayal encroaches upon the area of an  "absolute" for most and engages in an illicit relationship in any form understanding that at initiation of and during the illicit relationship that the life they are living with their significant other is ruled by dishonesty that will inevitably lead to severe emotional pain and consequences for all in the life they betrayed.  Contrast this with the dishonesty of the politician who understands that the calculated promises they made with no intention to maintain will ultimately negatively impact the lives of everyone they represent.  In each case, once the dishonesty is illuminated, they are subjected to scrutiny- the politician at the hands of the media and constituents.  The offending significant other however has to deal with a smaller scope having lost the trust of the very ones who have been by their side through good times and bad, sickness and health, richer and poorer.  Politicians have experts whose job is solely to "clean up the mess" and the one basic rule of successful damage control and perception rehab is to simply come clean and tell the entire truth- no matter the degree of pain it may cause.  The psychology of politics states that the pain of the truth is more easily overcome than is the drudge of doubt.  In the case of betrayal through an illicit relationship the same rule applies.  However there are no "experts" helping the offending spouse to rehab their image and trust.  Understand that once the betrayal has been found out, the betrayed spouse will seek information to absorb much like a sponge absorbs liquid.  A period of endless questions will begin and it's at this time, regardless of the known absolutes of the betrayed, the truth is the only way to satisfy the storm of doubt raging and deep pain that has been inflicted.  The doubt brought by the betrayal is the relationship killer.  Lets say for example that the betraying spouse maintains that the illicit relationship did not get physical- did not see personally or had sexual contact.. It did not progress past Internet, text, phone calls but while reviewing the text communication by the betrayed one simple statement made by the betraying to the other man/woman alludes to "missing him/her" before being found out.  That implies to the betrayed that a face to face relationship occurred because how can you "miss" someone if text messaging and voice calls were the extent of the ongoing illicit relationship.  The offending spouse has all the incentive in the world to continue the dishonesty especially knowing that a physical infidelity is an absolute of the offended spouse that would potentially lead to an irrepairable reconciliation. 

I realize that it appears that I strayed about from my opening statement but my intent is simply to expound on the importance of complete honesty in all areas of our existence.  Politics and relationships are the two most important areas that dictate the direction of our lives and ironically dishonesty and betrayal is rampant in both. The only way to repair the political arena and reconcile relationships where damage has been done is to remove any doubt.  Coming partially clean and trying to bury the infractions against perceived absolutes will eventually bring greater pain and sure destruction.  The Bible is clear when it tells us to be sure that your sins will find you out.  The truth can overcome absolutes and besides, The only way to live with integrity is by owning the saying, "The truth will set you free!"  

10 WARNING SIGNS OF A SOCIOPATH

THE 10 DANGER SIGNS

Sociopath expert Dr Robert Hare has devised the following checklist to help people recognise sociopathic traits.  

1. SUPERFICIAL charm. Smooth, engaging and charming, a sociopath will never become tongue-tied or embarrassed.  

•Often compose poetry and fictitious stories where the lead character (assigned the sex of the writer) is the complete package.

2. OVER-INFLATED sense of self-worth. Sociopaths believe they are superior human beings.

•Feel they do no wrong. Often assigns blame for the negative aspects of their life on others. 

•They are easily paranoid and possessive if they believe they are in a relationship (belief could stem from simply chatting with the opposite sex on Facebook).

3. PRONE to boredom. They feel the need to be stimulated constantly.

•Leads to alcohol and drug abuse which takes a prominent place in their actual life and fictitious compositions. (Alcoholism runs hand in hand with ASPD).

4. PATHOLOGICAL liars. Sociopaths will be deceptive and dishonest.

• They will lie about all aspects of their life to become the individual they feel the person they are interested in using is looking for.  

• Social Networking sites such as Facebook are their main tool to perpetuate their schemes.

• They often look up past acquaintances and completely disregard their marital/relationship status (see #2).  They find it easier to re-initiate a friendship than to establish a new one.

5. MANIPULATIVE. They will say and do anything to deceive and cheat others. 

6. LACK of remorse. No sense of the suffering of their victims.

7. LIMITED range of feelings. Don’t expect them to express anything other than happiness or sadness. 

• Most frequently anger and arousal..  

8. CALLOUS. Cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate and tactless are apt words to describe them.

9. THEY live a parasitic lifestyle. Sociopaths are often financially dependent on others.

• The most severe has a history of numerous psychiatric hospitalizations.

• Unable to maintain gainful employment thus live of of the system- mental disability checks.

• They bounce between few friends and family be it siblings or aunts sponging their way through while wasting their disability payments on cigarettes, alcohol and drugs while spending most of their time cultivating their life if deceit.

10. THEY can’t control their behaviour. When challenged, sociopaths will appear irritable, annoyed and impatient.

• Due to their paranoia they are easily irritated when someone else figures them out or when someone refuses to provide what they demand.  

• This behavior leads to legal issues and incarceration due to stalking, assault/battery and resisting arrest. 

The signs are simple and easily discerned if the time is taken to look past their initial attempts to manipulate and deceive. In this day and age it is best to perform a background check to get an unbiased snap shot of the true life they live.  It doesn't cost much... in the end it will save you from a great deal of emotional and physical abuse as well as protect your finances and good name.  

BEHAVIOR... Better than a mood ring...

Does he/she persistently lie to you or steal from you?

Do you get the feeling that they have no remorse for hurting people?

Do they have a childhood diagnosis of conduct disorder?

Are you fearful of your safety? Is he/she prone to violence and/or aggressive behavior?

Is he/she unable to keep and maintain friendships? 

Have you noticed that he/she has an extreme sense of entitlement, often putting others needs last or not considering them at all?

Do you believe him/her when they compliment you, or does it seem superficial and manipulative?

Is he/she wreckless and impulsive? 

Does it seem as they have no self control? 

Do they have recurring difficulties with the law because of this?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you are unfortunately dealing with somebody who suffers from Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD).  One just needs to look at a persons history (legal, employment, family) and pay attention to their current life situation. Do they maintain a heavy focus on using alcohol or other substances?

Do they spend an inordinate amount of time in attempts at creativity? (Writing stories or poetry on social networking sites)..

Is their mood shifts evident in their attempt at creativity?  (Focus on love, loss, life, sex?)

It's important to evaluate the answers to the information as being observed.  Many that suffer ASPD and BPD try to escape their chemical imbalance through creating a "delusional" or "Fantasy" existence.  By nature of their disorder they seek to portray the existence as reality specifically in an environment that allows them to maintain anonymity thus protecting the frailty of the existence they have created. One can pay close attention to the writings the individual composes and will notice the mood swings that are characteristic with their mental illness.  When feeling "stable" whether on medication or a hiatus in the biochemical storm that they routinely experience, you will notice a high degree of fictional creativity as they mold their delusion around their ideal life.  They will embellish facts of their own life to bring attention of those groups or individuals (targets) that they choose to be their audience.  Male suffers of the disorder,will focus on females, alcohol and sex.  Many times they will compose stories that find themselves and a female being the last two people on earth(i.e post apocalyptic back drop). Other times they will portray a life of highly romantic love focusing on having unlimited money to show such love. One commonality in their writings is a high acclaim and use off alcohol whether wine, beer or whiskey in everyday life.  Their is an extremely high incidence of co-morning alcoholism with this and other mental illnesses.  More importantly however, you can track the cycles of their disorder based on the prose they present. When shifting to a manic, uncontrolled state, the frequency of their compilation of poetry increases... The majority of which places emphasis on the loss of love, the ability of the composer to love better than anyone, sex and how he/she doesn't care and can bring bodily harm to another (this part occurs at the precipice of a manic break which often is a precursor to running afoul of the law.). 

If one just takes the time to answer the questions and then pay attention to the the time and content placed into the creation of their delusion then you can not fall prey to their manipulation.  Don't be mistaken, they have no other motive than to "use" another as evident in their legal history, broken relationships, poor employment history.. Truth is, what type of person has the time to devote to the creation of delusional existences (that doesn't get paid to do so) heavily focused on sex and alcohol with a history of legal issues (40 + legal runnins, many DUI's, Assault and Battery charges to including on a female and a history of psychiatric hospital admissions)?  An unemployed alcoholic who refuses to follow the treatment plan as established by a psychiatrist.  I could name names as examples with specific illustrations but I believe the warning is very clear.  See the signs, stay away or be abused by the person.  Simple as that. 

JUST MAKES NO SENSE... And don't even realize it!

Take a deep look into the world around you.  I mean really look... Don't just glance and briefly observe the people, places and things that surround you day to day.  I have been doing just that the past month with a purpose.  It's one thing to just accept the state that this country finds itself in but it's entirely another to attempt to understand why it is the way it is.  My observations are as follows: 

1.  People that don't have any appreciable means of income, those that are unemployed by choice sit around all day on Facebook and post ridiculous delusions and fantasies by means of a computer or their smartphone. The fact that they do so is not the issue... The issue is that they have the tools to do so while some who are out of work due to layoffs or other reasons that are no fault of their own struggle to find a job to simply keep a roof over their head and food on the table.  Why is that?  Those who choose to not work have made it their job to live off the system.  They know how to play, milk and make permanent the aid designed to be temporary.  A person who works and has health insurance is responsible for anywhere from $250 to $500 for a visit to an emergency room while the "leech" uses the emergency room as a clinic and thanks to the public assistance given to them pays zero.  They are rewarded for not working.  It's to the point that in many instances it is more profitable to not work.  

2.  People with mental illness have fallen through the cracks (many have found how to take advantage of the system by petitioning for and receiving disability checks every month) and do not seek or continue treatment.  Once they get the lifetime benefit they will not follow the treatment plan that was established and maintained while seeking disability.  So what do they do??? They don't take the medication prescribed instead opting for beer, whiskey, wine, marijuana, cocaine, methamphetamine, etc.  anything and everything that exacerbates their condition. During which time they cycle between depression (many times ending up in the ER following an accidental overdose or suicide attempt) and mania (what's one to expect when introducing a stimulant??  This finds them being destructive- driving while under the influence, fighting, stealing, etc that finds them arrested and incarcerated).  Both cost the system (aka: tax payer dollars).  Oh and they sit on Facebook all day typing out their delusion and fantasies.  

3.  Politicians are self-centered and clueless (highly functioning mental illness).  They do and say whatever it takes to exploit the system (voters) to give them a job and then they waste millions of dollars and tell billions of lies to make sure they continue to take advantage of the system (job paid through tax payer dollars).

4.  Millions of people from other countries come into this country illegally because the welfare system in America provides a far better living than they could obtain through working in their country of citizenship.  They take the jobs that the Americans referenced above (1 and 2) could do but choose not to.  Many times the jobs pay in cash (the employer not paying into the tax system and the employee not paying into the system) and they send most of their earned money to family in their home country thus taking it out of the U.S. economy.  While doing this they get a fake ID and exploit the public assistance afforded to citizens of this country. I am not racist and have no problem with people coming to this country to make a better life LEGALLY.  Work, pay taxes and if need help then so be it.  I cannot respect anyone who looks to take shortcuts or cheats the system.  

The above is just the tip of the iceberg.  It frustrates me that those who want to work and not rely on charity struggle and those who could care less about making their own way live well.  It just makes no sense.... And most get so caught up in their day to day struggles that they don't even realize it.  It's shameful!!!

Wake up and smell the coffee- Bipolar and Alcoholism

Alcoholism/Substance abuse and bipolar disorder commonly co-occur.  Studies have indicated they co-occur at higher than expected rates which explains the epidemic of narcotic/illicit substance addiction, alcoholism, poly-pharm abuse, broken homes, increased unemployment statistics and overdose death rates.  

In my professional and personal encounters I have personally witnessed the devastation bi-polar disorder exacerbated by substance abuse brings to the life of the individual and their family.  I have found that the mood swings and poor impulse control leads the individual to find a pathway to modulate their dysfunctional brain chemistry.  One person that I am acquainted with personally, has chosen alcohol and illicit drugs in attempt to cope.  His alcohol use began at or around age 15 and has progressed to the present that finds most of his waking hours consumed with thoughts and actual use of alcohol.  His life is riddled with broken relationships, legal issues, poor employment history and numerous psychiatric hospitalizations.  I am most intrigued as to how the two disorders interact to completely blind him to the cumulative effect of each on the other and the direct cause and effect relationship to the many issues in his life. The overt function of his mental illness creates a delusional existence in which he is always the victim and he has formed elaborate falsehood justifications for every negative consequence in his life. 

   it's fairly obvious that the introduction of mind altering chemicals into the brain doesn't exactly help to sustain mental stability. With almost all recreational drugs there is some kind of "high" associated with experience. That's why people do it. But following any substance induced high, there's almost always the experience of coming down. And usually that translates into a "low" mood feeling.

   Drinking a beer or glass of wine has been scientific proven to present some positive health benefits and is not an issue if one is able to apply good judgment and adequate impulse control. The problem is that everyone with bipolar disorder intermittently becomes hypomanic or manic. It's what defines the diagnosis. And in these elevated mood states, bipolar individuals almost always experience some degree of impaired impulse control. During the elevated mood phase they're usually feeling up, energized, gregarious, cognitively accelerated and creative.  The problem is that once their mood extends above the mildly elevated range, they often lose the capacity to modulate or turn down their mood-related intensity. It's like the wheels of hypomania become lubricated and they keep picking up speed.  That's what's wrong with alcohol-related disinhibition. It further greases the wheels of elevated mood. The challenge faced by those with bipolar disorder is one of figuring out how to do the opposite. They've got to become skillful at applying the brakes and slowing back down to a healthy speed.  To do so however, they have to show some degree of desire to change and begins with not introducing alcohol or other mind-altering substances outside of their psychiatrist prescribed medication designed to assist them in obtaining stability.  Then the real work begins- re-integrating back into normal society and repairing all the damage done through their self-centeredness.

Karma and Impulsive Behavior

Karma can be defined as the total effect of one's actions. A given cause will lead to an action and will have a given effect. For example, being envious and coveting the spouse of another (cause), will cause a negative action (effect) more than likely from the offended person but definitely in some area of the offenders life. The offender, when suffering a mental illness (statistics prove the majority that seek to destroy anothers marital relationship are mentally ill), generally take the "victim" role and proceed to make other bad choices in response to the negative consequences experienced.  In light of this, the offender becomes trapped in 
their own karmic web. Constantly being formed by the cause and effect of their actions.  Whether they choose to over-indulge in alcohol and other substances, seek to ignore societal boundaries and find themselves on a path of numerous legal issues, alienating their family through their decisions, all will mesh together to find the offender continually denying their responsibility and creating a delusional existence justifying their negative actions.  This path is characteristic of sociopathology and borderline personality disorder.  Imagine if you would how Hollywood depicts the classic mental hospital scene- patients sitting in a room, some painting, some sitting around tables with crayons, others sitting staring blankly through barred windows.  Each patient pictured is engaging in the form of self-expression (coping strategy) that they have chosen to bring their unhealthy delusions into existence in a safe manner.  Each person, prior to being hospitalized, has a story of those same delusions being acted out and most in a destructive manner.  I have blogged in the past about how mental illness, specifically Border-line and sociopathic disorders, will bring about a level of perceived creativity in the sufferer.  Many times the creativity is therapeutic as long as the mindset isn't one of denial.  If the sufferer has not atoned for their wrong doings and they justify themselves as a victim then karma continues to feed their negative existence. 

One can escape karma no more than they can gravity although I believe what we focus on is what we attract.  If an individual lives blaming others for the mistakes they make and always maintain the mindset that they are a victim then they will attract negative consequences due to their negative thoughts and actions.  I have seen people who continually find themselves in difficult situations and culture the victim mentality.  They develop a bitterness toward authority and boundaries only to find themselves frequently experiencing negative consequences from ignoring legal establishments and normal relationships.  Combined with active mental illness, their issues are magnified. It is interesting that these individuals focus on simple or token good deeds and believe that the few they perform completely erases the severe negative deeds that define their existence.  When caught and faced with the consequences, they attempt to deflect or ascribe fault to everyone but themselves.  The simple truth is that one can't run, can't hide from karma.  For every negative action their is a consequence.  There is no scorecard, no storage pool where good karma builds up to stand to negate the negative.  You reap what you sow.  If one betrays established boundaries, negative consequences will hunt them down and make all wrongs, right.  That is a universal law.  All those that were injured in some way have to do is sit back and watch the show.

As The World Turns....

Working through a busy schedule today of individuals that have at one time or another, lost track of reality due to psychiatric issues I found something interesting.  A new understanding that I thought I already was aware but obviously wasn't because of my satisfaction at the insight.  Addiction, depression and specifically bipolar disorder is not exacerbated by geographic location.  This, I know, is Psychology 101 but for some odd reason this new illumination feels as though its the first time. Most pronounced is the specific behaviors and thought processes shared in men with bipolar disorder.  I find that in those I'm familiar, they hold some belief that they maintain some form of romantic/sexual prowess and go to great lengths to display (paint a picture) their belief to the world.  As I typed the last sentence it came to my mind that in doing so they are presenting a falsehood in attempt to lure an unsuspecting female.  Fact is, one male with whom I am familiar, only displays this behavior when he is moving into a manic phase and only to entice a woman into what will become an abusive relationship.  I guess it is a survival mechanism allowing him to cope with the severely damaged life he has created.  Couple this with the fact that alcohol and other illicit substances are firmly anchored in his daily existence, it reveals severe insecurities.  It's really pathetic! Looking at his track record (psychiatric hospital admissions and legal issues) in conjunction with his current cycle (Casanova syndrome), it won't be long before he once again crashes, finding himself  again hospitalized or incarcerated..  All because he is too stupid to embrace psychiatric assistance and hold to healthy boundaries.  It's important to develop an accurate introspective inventory but I guess for some it is easier to cope with not truly knowing oneself.

Life, Love, Death and Betrayal

Life is full of ups and downs.  One just needs to be observant and look around at the issues going on in the world today.  So many esoteric events impact our individual lives.  It's like a pebble that is dropped in calm water.  On initial impact the surface tension of the water is disrupted and the kinetic energy causes ripples to form, the magnitude directly proportional to the size of the rock.  

The problems (the rocks) we face in life (the water surface) create ripple effects the same.  One thing for certain in life is we will always have to deal with ripples whether from the problems direct in our lives or as a byproduct of problems in the lives of those around us.  Many people fear and are ill prepared to cope with the ripples.  I have found that the best way to cope is to understand that nothing is as bad as it seems and in most instances, we manufacture much more dire circumstances than, what in actuality, even the worst problem would manifest.  Think about it, the worst possible outcome and the one end result most people fear is death.  I have found that there is something worse than death and that is betrayal.  In life and love through the highs and lows, being betrayed can cause a person to long for death to escape the hurt, uncertainty and pain of total loss of trust placed in another.  Betrayal can be at the hands of a loved one, family, a friend or employer.  Most have experienced hurt and betrayal from one of the above and unfortunately some have experienced from multiple people from those categories.  The degree of hurt varies to the closeness of the  relationship but each cause ripples felt long after the initial impact.  Each ripple is representative of the feelings of hurt, emptiness, anger, bitterness and loneliness that one has the draining task of living with day to day.  Dealing with such emotions is difficult. Some turn to drugs and alcohol to numb the emptiness they feel to the degree that their very existence is identified and hinges on the use of a substance.  Should the drug/alcohol be removed they would be lost and struggle to find their identity.  Others retreat within themselves, shutting out the world around them, unable and unwilling to open themselves up to trust again.  The rawness of emotion causing apprehension in just the thoughts of functioning in society.  There are those that allow anger and bitterness to burn as fuel to morph into an individual bent on vindication.  They fundamentally ignore compassion and sympathy with determination to never again allow themselves to be in a position to be the betrayed.  

I have experienced betrayal at multiple levels- family, loved ones, friends and employers.  Each have presented with a different magnitude but all formed ripples that I will be dealing with the rest of my life.  I have struggled and found myself dealing in the different ways.  The varying magnitudes proved that there are definitely worse things than death and I can understand the peaceful longing for such an escape.  However, through it all I found that with a few exceptions, things are never as bad as what they seem and regardless of our innate desires nothing good ever comes from completely trusting anyone.  

Moving Forward While Looking Back

Change is a perplexing fact of life. As children we all run around without a care in the world pretending to be astronauts, soldiers, race car drivers or one of many other professions. Then we get older, adults around us ask the age old question, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" Usually by that time we have more realistic aspirations such as pro athlete, doctor, lawyer,etc. Time marches on and we make it to high school graduation and for some straight into the adult world of employment (generally not any career that was the focus of our imagination as children), others of us go onto the purgatory of employment- college. During this time we are expected to have some idea of what we plan to do for a living and take classes that prepare us to be successful but most list their major as undecided... (I majored in partying and would have received an Associates degree if offered). We graduate from college and either enter the workforce or choose to become a "career student" and go on to graduate school to improve our "marketability". Once all the education is obtained and we start our careers, we look back and see every mistake, wrong direction and poor choice. We find ourselves, when we hit our 40's, burned out and looking around trying to figure out just how we arrived at our current place in life. Time replays in our mind and we run through each failure and success. Some call this the "mid-life" crisis, a time in which boredom and stagnation takes hold and an extremely dangerous mindset to find oneself. It leads to financial ruin (the purchase of a Corvette), marital ruin (the Vette and a blonde) and other very poor decisions. Fact is, many make a series of devastating decisions trying to regain the vision of how we see our ideal past. Relationships are impulsively sought to be rekindled that were disastrous "way back when" and will be even more so now. More importantly though, some reach this time having chronically destroyed all in their life. They value the intangibles while neglecting the tangibles. They always have an excuse as to cope with reaching mid-life and having nothing to show for it except broken homes and a rap sheet. "I had no way to go to college", "I'm was unable to work", etc. Truth is, it all started when a little child running around pretending to be a cowboy, cop, astronaut, etc. The maturation process was stunted and when it was realized that in order to be those things a dedication to work hard was required. They got stuck in their imagination and now all they have is excuses. They are unable to move forward due to looking back. Successful people do the opposite- able to move forward while looking back. It is those that look at mid-life as a time to change and improve the years to follow instead of making excuses as to why they are aren't where and with whom they think they should have been.

Cha..cha..changes...

After a well deserved hiatus and numerous major life changes, I'm baaaack! I must admit that, and this is saying a lot coming from a routine-a-holic, change is indeed good. I realized finally that if I had to work for an idiot that I may as well work for myself.. I am so thankful that my past part-time endeavor for a little extra blossomed into an opportunity to acquire the liberty to be my own boss. Someone whom I use to hold in high regard stated in obvious envy, prior to my decision, that I had situated myself to be accountable to no one. I'm not delusional enough to take ownership of that claim but I can say that I am selective of to whom I choose to be accountable. Isn't that the goal? When we place ourselves under accountability to another we are doing so to their strengths and weaknesses. With that in mind, we have to weigh whether the strengths overcome the potential drain of their weaknesses. The Declaration of Independence enshrines "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness" among the unalienable rights of all men. One is hypocritical to condemn another for having the courage to seek to obtain those three. Sadly men, who make mistakes in the face of sound advice that would have avoided them, will always seek to transfer blame to those that are accountable to them. That's human nature. It's a psychological defect called narcissism. We all suffer it to varying degrees. Some manage it better than others by maintaining an accurate introspective inventory. Again, the Declaration of Independence states, "All men are created equal". What forms the differences and uniqueness from person to person? Really understanding who we are- specifically our psychological variances/deficiencies and knowing the true source of our faith are the determining factors in an individuals success in obtaining Life, Liberty and Happiness.
During my hiatus I found that I had been placing myself in situations and relationships that were chronically draining to me. Why? Narcissistic individuals seek L.L.H through the work and sacrifice of others. They feel a sense of entitlement to "piggy back" on another's quest for one or all three. I determined that the best I could do for another is to "set the table" but "eating" is their responsibility. I can say this for sure, each individual is the author of their own success. Life, Liberty and Happiness is obtainable and is uniquely different in everyone and I am thankful for the experiences- good and bad, the people-contributors and leeches, and decisions- constructive and destructive that led me to this time in my life. Life is good, I am happy and for the first time I have liberty simply because I stood up, stepped out and made a choice to pare down the list of those whom I had been accountable. I encourage all to evaluate and take the step.... Make the changes necessary. Life is short. Don't waste it being drained . Don't allow another's weaknesses determine whether you have a life filled with happiness and freedom.

Get the person back you married....

 

Do you remember the days when you first met your spouse or when you first got married and everything was filled with fun, love and that amazing feeling of being connected? Being away for even a short period of time was like torture. This “honeymoon” phase is complete bliss.

It is easy to steer off that  path and end up lost, confused, angry, sad, lonely, disconnected, etc. We have everyday challenges that can contribute to this-  one of you lost your job, you got too comfortable and stopped trying to look good, maybe one or the other is angry all time because they can’t sleep, or maybe you have kids now and don’t make time for one another. Whatever the case maybe, you want to get back on track and have those blissful days with your love.

It takes effort to get that spark you once had going... Three tips to accomplishing just that: 
1. Spend time with each other. You spent plenty of quality time together when you where dating and first married. You went to plenty of dinners and movies, maybe sports games, etc. So, DO IT AGAIN! Go on an actual date again.

2. Take some of the stress off your spouses shoulders. Does he/she stress every night about getting the kids to bed, getting  work things ready for the next day AND cleaning? How about both tackle the duties required as to not over burden the other. Bonus: Then write  a little love note and place it where he/she can find it . Its a pleasant surprise to see that during a stressful morning of rushing to work!

3. Talk to your spouse like you used to. Dream together, make plans, talk about the good ol' days. Plan a trip together, even if just a pretend trip to somewhere special. Talk to each other, talk a lot, connect and reach out to each other! Ask questions about his/her day, life, dreams and fears. And really really listen to the answers!

Realize that your spouse can't make love to you the way you'd like unless he/she feels CONNECTED to you first. Women feel connected by hearing and seeing that they're loved. Men feel connected when they are complimented and touched.  No man or woman just "know" they are loved all the time. We need to be reminded everyday, several times a day! If your spouse feels repeatedly connected to you, she/he will reciprocate and make you feel connected as well (aka, by making love to you!)   

BPD uncontrolled is a dangerous

Another example of extremes... The pic of the FB post shows a change to a peaceful image for a profile pic but then posts a link to a song that states:
"Plug me in, I'm alive tonight"
"Out on the streets again"
(the FB author has been incarcerated recently for DUI and Assault with a deadly weapon).
"Turn me on, I'm high tonight"
(FB author has history of substance abuse).
"Something you'll never forget"
(delusion of grandeur)
"Take my fist to break down walls"
(FB author has history of violent outbursts)
"I'll top tonight, no, no"
"Better turn me loose"
"Better set me free"
"Cause I'm hot, I'm young, running free"
(Thumbing his nose at the legal system)
"Little bit better than I used to be"
(Again, delusion of grandeur)
THE FOLLOWING LYRICS ARE CONCERNING CONSIDERING THE FB AUTHORS HISTORY OF ASSAULT AND BATTERY ON A FEMALE:
"I'll either break her face or get down her legs"
"Getting my best at will"
"Go for the throat and never let loose"
"Goin for the kill"
The psychiatric profile of this individual is criminally delusional. He has proven that rehabilitation is not possible for a man that takes it upon himself to ever hurt a female. Is his identification with the lyrics just a sick and perverted fantasy or does he intend to make it reality? Either way he is an example of a man that needs to be institutionalized for life.

PARANOIA AND INDECISIVENESS IN SEVERE MENTAL ILLNESS

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental disorder characterized by disturbed and unstable interpersonal relationships and self-image, along with impulsive, reckless, and often self-destructive behavior.
Individuals with BPD have a history of unstable interpersonal relationships. They have difficulty interpreting reality and view significant people in their lives as either completely flawless or extremely unfair and uncaring (a phenomenon known as "splitting"). These alternating feelings of idealization and devaluation are the hallmark feature of borderline personality disorder. Because borderline patients set up such excessive and unrealistic expectations for others, they are inevitably disappointed when their expectations aren't realized.
Symptoms

The handbook used by mental health professionals to diagnose mental disorders is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). The 2000 edition of this manual (fourth edition, text revised) is known as the DSM-IV-TR. Published by the American Psychiatric Association, the DSM contains diagnostic criteria, research findings, and treatment information for mental disorders. It is the primary reference for mental health professionals in the United States. BPD was first listed as a disorder in the third edition DSM-III, which was published in 1980, and has been revised in subsequent editions.

The DSM-IV-TR requires that at least five of the following criteria (or symptoms) be present in an individual for a diagnosis of borderline disorder:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or
perceived abandonment
2. Pattern of unstable and
intense interpersonal relationships,
characterized by alternating between
idealization and devaluation ("love-
hate" relationships)
3. Extreme, persistently unstable self-
image and sense of self impulsive
behavior in at least two areas (such as
spending, sex, substance abuse,
reckless driving, binge eating)
4. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures,
or threats, or recurring acts of self-
mutilation (such as cutting or burning
oneself)
5. Unstable mood caused by brief but
intense episodes of depression,
irritability, or anxiety chronic feelings
of emptiness
6. Inappropriate and intense anger, or
difficulty controlling anger displayed
through temper outbursts, physical
fights, and/or sarcasm
7. Stress-related paranoia that passes
fairly quickly and/or severe dissociative
symptoms— feeling disconnected from
one's self, as if one is an observer of
one's own actions.

Borderline personality disorder typically first appears in early adulthood. Although the disorder may occur in adolescence, it may be difficult to diagnose, since borderline symptoms such as impulsive and experimental behaviors, insecurity, and mood swings are common—even developmentally appropriate—occurrences at this age.

Borderline symptoms may also be the result of chronic substance abuse and/or medical conditions (specifically, disorders of the central nervous system). These should be ruled out before making the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder.

BPD commonly occurs with mood disorders (i.e., depression and anxiety), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), eating disorders, attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and other personality disorders. It has also been suggested by some researchers that borderline personality disorder is not a true pathological condition in and of itself, but rather a number of overlapping personality disorders; it is, however, commonly recognized as a separate and distinct disorder by the American Psychiatric Association and by most mental health professionals. It is diagnosed by interviewing the patient, and matching symptoms to the DSM criteria. Supplementary testing may also be necessary.

Treatment
Individuals with borderline personality disorder seek psychiatric help and hospitalization at a much higher rate than people with other personality disorders, probably due to their fear of abandonment and their need to seek idealized interpersonal relationships. These patients represent the highest percentage of diagnosed personality disorders (up to 60%).

Providing effective therapy for the borderline personality patient is a necessary, but difficult, challenge. The therapist-patient relationship is subject to the same inappropriate and unrealistic demands that borderline personalities place on all their significant interpersonal relationships. They are chronic "treatment seekers" who become easily frustrated with their therapist if they feel they are not receiving adequate attention or empathy, and symptomatic anger, impulsivity, and self-destructive behavior can impede the therapist-patient relationship. However, their fear of abandonment, and of ending the therapy relationship, may actually cause them to discontinue treatment as soon as progress is made.

Psychotherapy , typically in the form of cognitive-behavioral therapy , is usually the treatment of choice for borderline personalities. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), a cognitive-behavioral technique, has emerged as an effective therapy for borderline personalities with suicidal tendencies. The treatment focuses on giving the borderline patient self-confidence and coping tools for life outside of treatment through a combination of social skill training, mood awareness and meditative exercises, and education on the disorder. Group therapy is also an option for some borderline patients, although some may feel threatened by the idea of "sharing" a therapist with others.

Medication is not considered a first-line treatment choice, but may be useful in treating some symptoms of the disorder and/or the mood disorders that have been diagnosed in conjunction with BPD. Recent clinical studies indicate that naltrexone may be helpful in relieving physical discomfort related to dissociative episodes.

Prognosis
The disorder usually peaks in young adulthood and frequently stabilizes after age 30. Approximately 75–80% of borderline patients attempt or threaten suicide , and between 8–10% are successful. If the borderline patient suffers from depressive disorder, the risk of suicide is much higher. For this reason, swift diagnosis and appropriate interventions are critical.

Prevention recommendations are scarce. The disorder may be genetic and not preventable. The only known prevention would be to ensure a safe and nurturing environment during childhood.

Difficulty exists in differentiating BPD and Type I Bipolar Disorder. Classic presentation reveals delusions of grandeur. The attached screenshot is indicative of an unstable thought process. Notice the initiation of the post- "to whom ever is attacking my account. Yes I do know you.." The authors thought process cycles to extremes. "To whom ever" indicates the author has no idea of identity but then swings to the affirmative, "Yes I do know you." That is an example of a rapid cycle and paranoia. Next notice the end, "keep going like this and only bad things will happen in your life.." This is an example of delusional thinking brought about by anger. How can one guarantee that everything that happens in another's life be only bad especially when identified in the opening as whom ever? Even if the author is actually aware of the identity (which is not likely based on the authors admission) it is impossible to ensure that only bad things will happen in their life. This was an attempt by the author to stroke their own self identity and ego. Knowing the legal and psychiatric history of the author finds BPD being appropriate. What a sad existence but fortunately through compliance with intensive outpatient CBT and appropriate anti-psychotic medication this individual may be able to live a life void of institutionalization (whether penal or psychiatric). The problem however is that compliance is not easy for suffers of the disorder.

What not to do...

One of the most common mental exercises the cheated upon may experience after the discovery of an affair is the expectation that they will try harder to win back the cheater. This expectation either comes from the cheater directly -- "I cheated because you're a lousy [partner, housekeeper, lover]" -- and how are you going to up your game to keep me? Or it comes from the codependency of the betrayed spouse -- "What did I do to make them cheat? And how can I be a better partner to make them stay?" Often both dynamics are at play and feed into each other. The cheater, of course, is quite happy to pin this crap on you.
When terrible things happen, it's very natural to want to feel a sense of control. To think, oh if I'd only done X, Y would not have resulted. If you are at fault, the reasoning goes, then you could fix this. (Codependents love to fix things.) So you will take this crappy situation and think you can control the outcome by just trying harder.
This is a bad idea for several reasons. First, you aren't at fault for another's cheating. That's on them. As they say in therapy about people behaving self destructively, there's a Three C Rule -- "you didn't cause it, you cannot cure it, and you cannot control it."
Second, if you see the affair as a competition that you must try harder to "win," the marriage becomes a bidding war between the betrayed spouse and the affair partner. The best response is to fold, because the game is rigged. They want to sit impassively while you do the humiliating dance of "pick me!" This makes them feel powerful, central, special.
Cheating comes from a sense of entitlement. All you do when you compete for your marriage is solidify that entitlement -- that it is your job to ensure the happiness of the cheater, and hey, you missed a spot. Healthy relationships are based upon reciprocity and mutual respect. Infidelity is a toxically lopsided situation. Cheaters want the scales tipped in their favor (more attention, more ego stroking, more sex, more materialism) at your expense. They just don't want to try that hard, and they're gonna sulk if you make them.
What does the humiliating dance look like?

• Mounting a defense of the marriage and trying too hard sell your cheater on What You Have Together.

• Eating the sh*t sandwich. Not bringing up the affair. Stuffing your emotions so as not to upset the cheater with your distress.

• Believing that the cheater's need for "happiness" is paramount to the commitment they made to you. If they want to break that commitment, fine, there are honest ways to do that, beginning with a divorce lawyer. If they want to work on happiness, there is therapy, God, and working at pet shelters. But they cannot have all the benefits of marriage and a side emotional or physical relationship because they aren't "happy."

• Let's make a deal! This the bargaining stage of grief, that as long as you try harder to make the cheater happy, they won't betray you. Their happiness, however, is an ever moving target. If you do not want to be in an open marriage, don't be. It's one thing to be presented with that from the start. It's quite another thing for a cheater to renegotiate the terms after an affair is discovered. Be true to yourself and what you need.

• Super spouse! Are you having hysterical bonding sex, going to the gym, and dressing spiffier? If you're trying to be a better you to "win," you're just rewarding them. Be a better you for you. Your next partner will appreciate it a lot more than they will.

Finally, don't beg. Don't grab their ankles as they walk out the door. Don't drape yourself over furniture weeping. Let them go. Don't ever do the humiliating dance of "pick me." You're better than that.

Sociopath = Coward

You can enter a room and find ways to entertain the guests even though you rather avoid crowds. People are attracted to your sense of humor and charm. You are the life of the party and appear to have your act together. People would never guess that you are very insecure and fearful of rejection. You experience difficulties managing your strong feelings of frustration and anger. You enter relationships with persons that easily submit to your viewpoints and demonstrate blind allegiance. Isn’t a relationship where someone hangs to your every word, deed, a sustainable one? How long can a person demonstrate unconditional acceptance to each of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors? Many with this personality type grew up in environments where emotional, physical, or sexual abuse was present. They were made to feel unworthy of the love of a parent and many times turned to drugs or alcohol to cope with feelings of rejection and insecurity. Like the nurturer/sabotager, the charmer/attacker attempted to find acceptance through peace-making behavior. Many times, he was not successful and found solace from friends, drugs, music, and other moral relative themes. He learned his social presentation from the media and social functions with peers. He found that drug usage helped to alleviate his feelings of insecurity and fear when with others.
Persons addicted to drugs or alcohol can possess many of the personality traits of the charmer/attacker. The charmer/attacker gains a sense of control by keeping relationships with others that unconditionally accepting his behavior. Many times, a nurturer/sabotager is attracted to this personality type due to charmer’s ability to utilize humor, and charm to present to the nurturer that he or she is needed and valued. This is not to say that the charmer/attacker does not need the nurturer. He is very compatible with someone that will avoid conflict and ensure harmony in the relationship. The charmer/attacker usually does not remain committed to one partner in a relationship. Due to drug abuse and/or the lack of substance in his relationship, he is easily lured to one-night stands and other high-risk activities. When these or any of his activities are challenged, he will become aggressive and threatening in attempts to regain control of the relationship. His feelings of insecurity and fear of rejection will be tapped, which will contribute to his pathological responses of projecting blame and making empty promises. His years of hurt and anger will surface in verbal, and physical attacks. He will use intimidation and abusive tactics to deal with relationship problems and force his partner to submit to his will. Initially, he may use his charm and make promises to change his behavior. As his credibility declines, he will revert to psychological and physical tactics to control the relationship. Domestic violence is a common theme in this relationship.
The charmer/attacker is a person that takes from the world to gratify his needs without considering the consequences of his actions. Many anti-social (sociopath) characteristics can be found in this personality type. The charmer wants to world to yield to his needs and performs contrived acts of love and respect to attract others to give him what he wants. He has not internalized the concepts of love, respect, and honesty due to his egocentric views and constant pursuit of self-gratification. Remember, as a child this person was rejected and had turned to other outlets for his needs. He never developed the concept of morality other than what he learned from morally relative themes. His destructive behavior usually continues until he suffers severe life consequences such as incarceration, or near death experiences. The charmer/attacker can be very skilled at presenting a caring and loving message to others but only does so to get what he wants. He may initially reciprocate positive virtuous behavior, but he will perform these virtues less and less as the relationship goes forward.
In relation to challenging his behaviors, once he realizes that he no longer intimidates and his antics such as creative writing attempts are no longer effective or being scrutinized and experiences the negative consequences to physical altercations, he will disappear altogether.  Many instances will find him sinking into a depression because he no longer has "complete" control over situations specifically those that bring the eye of public scrutiny on him.  Further implosion will follow in that close family relationships that he was fortunate to maintain such as with a sister (enabler) will be damaged and communication cut off.  He will remain in the background until such time he feels that the attention that his actions have brought has subsided.    He creates the issues and consequences and in some cases the individuals that are caught and hurt in his deceit, delusions and drive to satisfy only himself stand ready to once again expose him for who he actually is for the remainder of his life.  That is necessary when dealing with a sociopath and is his biggest fear.  The only way to safeguard others is to inform.  Backing down and "forgetting" is what he expects and anticipates so remove those words from your vocabulary while remembering that he is a coward that is dealing with childhood abuse by abusing and disregarding boundaries as an adult.  One reaps what one sows. 

Post Thanksgiving Ponderings

I find myself sitting back today watching some football and thinking about a successful Thanksgiving. Thoughts of all the things and people in my life for which I am truly blessed. I am thankful for my family- wife, sons and grandson. I am thankful for my parents and the education my father worked hard to make sure that I received and as a pass thru, the work ethic he bestowed to me by example. Regardless of what some may think or say, I am thankful that the education and work ethic has allowed me to have material things such as a nice house, nice cars and many "big boy toys". Even more so I am humbled that I have the ability and means to give the "wants" and not just the "needs" to my wife and children. "Things" do make life more enjoyable. I look back at the early years of our marriage, the "just starting out time" when we were determined to make life the way we wanted with no ones help especially those who said "we would never make it". We had big dreams then and everyone around us wanted to make sure we "understood reality". The days of Spam and beans has give way to steak and lobster but we are comfortable knowing that aside from our cholesterol, we would fare just fine that way again. Truth is, we are survivors and strip away all and we would remain "just fine". The difference is, we realize our blessings aren't "rights". We understand that the world owes us nothing and we are "entitled" to absolutely nothing. It comes down to knowing who you are and where you come from. I know we could live off the land just as well as living in the isles at Whole Foods. Reality is that to have something you have to fight to get it and more importantly fight to keep it. As most know its a struggle to make ends meet and it is only getting more difficult. Today people are too willing to give up.... To take the path of least resistance or to live a deceitful life always trying to take the things and people that one has fought so hard to maintain.
It's those parasites(criminals) that feel they are "entitled" to the things they desire. It's those individuals that has embraced and perpetuated the mentality that has led this country to the edge of disaster. Marriages are destroyed, children growing up without one parent, drug abuse and crime rates are at an all time high. All because men and women have lost sight of what it means to "work" to make their way. The boiler plate is lack of character and integrity. A person who stands up to fight back is said to be a "bully" and "stomps on people" by the parasites. Truth is the "parasite" is so used to getting "taken care of" by the government that they feel that everyone should just give up and roll over while they get exactly what they want. One thing I have to say to that- "Not in my lifetime will I ever just give in!" Don't get me wrong, I will give anyone in need the shirt off my back if need be but should someone, anyone attack the well being of my family regardless of the rationalization in their diluted mind I will never give in and will forever pursue retribution. That's something else I am thankful for in my upbringing in the mountains of Kentucky. I know who i am, know where I am from and I am proud of both. "You can take the boy out of the country but you can't take the country out of the boy!" The mountains of Kentucky and growing up in "Bloody Harlan" instilled in me a desire to "do the right thing" and "to be loyal to my friends and family. The Marine Corp instilled faithfulness and brotherhood (Semper Fidelis- Always Faithful. ). To be successful in life one has to be loyal and faithful to God, Family, Country, Friends and Employers. There is nothing else.... It's that simple and for that I am the most thankful of all.

Low Self Esteem and Destructive Behavior

Many people who have bipolar disorder struggle with low self-esteem. Early experiences can greatly impact the outlook we have about ourselves. Abuse, neglect, and abandonment can influence self-esteem throughout our lives. Being harshly criticized, being ignored, ridiculed, or teased, being expected to be "perfect" all the time either at home or at school can affect self-esteem. Low self-esteem can also come from inconsistent or critical parenting. People with low self-esteem were often given messages that failed experiences (losing a game, getting a poor grade, etc.) were failures of their whole self.
While things in our childhood may affect how we view ourselves, an experience later in life may also be the cause. Often those with a physical disability or mental illness -including bipolar disorder - feel as if they are lacking in some way or don't measure up.Some people do not believe they are likeable, pretty, or successful. Even when given positive information, they still see the negatives in themselves. It becomes a never-ending cycle. Low self-esteem can also affect relationships if one depends greatly on the other to maintain their self-image.Some Signs of Low Self-Esteem

• Self-consciousness
• Shyness
• Over-sensitivity
• Feelings of rejection
• Inability to make decisions
• Attacking others or their character
• Attention seeking
• Aggression

 Other signs and behaviors that can indicate self-esteem problems:

• Pride
  If one is genuinely self-confident, there is no need for pride; only an empty balloon can be "blown up." To cover up their own insecurity, a fair amount of people act out pride, as if they are better than others, but only because they lack self-confidence.
  
• Improper humility
  Regarding oneself not as equal to others, but as less than others. Humility is a positive quality as it avoids pride and is other-centered, often driven by active compassion for others. Lack of self-confidence however, is often self-centered (feeling sorry for oneself and looking for excuses to not change your own situation) and it paralyzes you from doing positive actions.
  
• Idolizing people
  Overestimating others is based on - or will easily lead to - underestimating oneself.

Low self-esteem reduces your chances of success in life. It can create anxiety, stress, loneliness and increased likelihood for depression. No matter how badly you want to reach a goal, low self-esteem will hold you back every time. When you don't value yourself and lack self-esteem, it will work against you and undermine you. If you do not believe in yourself, who will? Worst of all, these negative consequences themselves reinforce the negative self-image and can take a person into a downward spiral of lower and lower self-esteem and increasingly non-productive or even actively self-destructive behavior.

Individuals who suffer bi-polar disorder and ASPD battle with issues of low self-esteem.  This leads them to engage in self-destructive choices especially involving relationships. All individuals who are or have been involved in extra-marital affairs have low self-esteem, specifically the unmarried participant.  In one particular case, a man whom for the purpose of this illustration will  be called Dan, has low self esteem, actively seeks relationships in bars or who are married.  He presents himself as very self confident and is perceived to have a big ego and over time reveals himself to be very arrogant. It is important to note that Dan is bipolar and has ASPD.  The disorders have led him to make extremely destructive decisions over the course of his life resulting in a long legal/arrest history, broken marriage and family, inability to maintain employment.  Actually his ego and arrogance is a self defense mechanism due to the little boy on the inside who doesn't feel good about himself. He seeks outside of himself for validation of his worthiness, attractiveness and sexual prowess. He is addicted to that validation and will always be that way unless he goes through significant psychotherapy, usually for a period of years.  Dan chooses to target women in bars because they are generally less inhibited or intoxicated due to alcohol consumption thus more gullible to his dishonesty and unable to pick up on his aberrhant behavior.  When they target married women and actually consumate the relationship, it is truly in attempt to validate to themselves that they are  worthy. Reality is that in their choice to seek a relationship with another that is committed to someone else just proves that he is unable and unworthy to have a normal relationship and will be so until counseling is sought to overcome his psychiatric issues.  Dan however has had numerous psyciatric hospital admissions over his lifetime to no avail due to his arrogance which impedes his awareness that he has a problem.  Healthy and stable individuals need not look for a relationship in bars nor will they seek a relationship with someone in a committed relationship.  Healthy and stable individuals realize that you only find one thing in bars(sex) and that messing with a married individual can lead to physical harm and even death.  Truth be told, people want someone to share their lives with that is committed to them.  A person cant be committed to two.  People in their right mind know this and will not accept anything less. 

Eight Reasons that People Cheat on Their Partners

It is natural for people to be attracted to someone other than their spouse while they are married; the problem arises when they act upon it. Some people would argue that it is okay for someone to veer once in a while from their relationship; others would end their marriage over an affair.

What are the reasons that people risk loosing their spouse?

 1. Lack of sexual satisfaction in your primary relationship. This was the most common reason cited by individuals in a recent broad study. Both women and men who enter into affairs are hoping to improve their sex lives. They may enjoy many other mutual activities but, for whatever reason, the sex is not working out for them.

2. Desire for additional sexual encounters. This was a relatively infrequent reason cited by the individuals in this study. It’s possible that more people had this as a reason but didn’t want to admit to it as it is not a very socially desirable wish to articulate. For example, one man in the study stated that he felt he needed more sex in his life to reward him for performing well at his job.

3. Lack of emotional satisfaction in your primary relationship. Seeking emotional intimacy can be nearly as compelling a reason to have an affair as can seeking physical intimacy. Participants who stated the need for emotional closeness in an affair felt they were lacking a connection to their primary partners.

4. Wanting emotional validation from someone else. Being appreciated is a key factor in the emotional connection that partners feel toward each other. Partners may grow apart and, as they do, fail to acknowledge the needs that both have in their relationship.

5. Falling out of love with your partner. This was a relatively insignificant reason in the study, perhaps because “love” is so difficult to define. In the grand scheme of things, having sexual and emotional intimacy seems to trump love.  I would add as well that people cant "fall out of love" just as we cant "fall in love" like it is something that just happens.  Loving someone is a CHOICE.  To "fall" implies that it is something we cant help or control.  Just as there is no such thing as "love at first sight."  It is "lust" at first sight but never love.  The choice to love someone can only occur through spending time getting to know the other person. 

6. Falling in love with someone new. Very few people indicated that they had fallen head over heels for the person with whom they had the affair. Again, emotional intimacy plus sexual closeness seems to be a more important factor that leads partners to stray.-- Again, we dont "fall" in love, we "choose to love".  People involved in an affair are immersed in Lust and through the fog misinterpret the feeling as love. 

7. You’re wanting to seek revenge. In a relationship that is already suffering, the desire to hurt a partner who is (or is perceived as) cheating seems to raise the stakes significantly from mere lack of intimacy.This is a very real threat and reason.  "whats good for the goose is good for the gander" mentality.  Isnt the betrayed spouse justified in their feelings of revenge? 

8. You’re curious and want new experiences. People who cited this reason felt that they wanted something new, this motivation went beyond curiosity and into some type of contest to measure their sexual prowess. It might have been less complicated for them to compete on the tennis court or golf course, but the allure of someone and something new led them to choose this particular form of challenge. 

 

I would like to add another reason to the list.  Many would look at it and say that it belongs in the either the "emotional validation" or  "seeking revenge" categories but I believe it to be on the opposite end of both since it generally occurs in response to being cheated on.  Spouses should be the one individual in the others life that is most important.  They should never be second in the heart of the spouse.  When a spouse is betrayed it is an extremely painful event.  The one person whom you thought you could trust and should place you above all others commits adultery (physical or emotional makes no differene) thus sending the message to the betrayed spouse that they are not special as they should be.  This can lead many into a downward spiral searching for the feeling of once again being "the one and only".... Looking for the place that a spouse should occupy in the heart and mind of the other.  This finds the betrayed spouse being vulnerable to someone, anyone that is interested in allowing him/her to occupy that space in their lives.  This is not about validation and it is not about revenge.... Its about survival.  The longer two people are married the harder the betrayal and the greater the drive to once again feel the safety, peace and joy that become the daily existence for the betrayed spouse and was discarded by the betraying spouse.  Many call it trust but it is much deeper.  Its a chaotic feeling.... A life in which the betrayed spouse wanders in disbelief, anger, low self-confidence and agony at the death of a person that they thought would never willingly choose to cause them pain.  When one finds themselves in such a place, it is very easy, tempting and less daunting to perceive that it is best to find what they lost in someone different.... It brings about a high degree of anxiety and requires great fortitude to seek it in the person that is responsible for the loss in the first place.  One however must stop and remember that to place your feelings of well being in the hands of another is setting themselves up for disappointment. 

 

 

Real Life Example....

I recently was reminded of a response that a sociopath composed in reply to his criminal history being exposed.

The Comment: "A criminal is different in your mind and mine.For one I do believe that you are a criminal for stalking me, for making every attempt to discredit me. I am not hidding from anyone. You need to get a grip on your life and stop worring about mine. Your mothers and your fathers. That is their life. Though it does seem to affect you quite a bit. Glad that you can not mention anything that I have done good, you think by slandering me that no one will want me, that is a long line and you are in the short line. People make mistakes and we move on. 35 criminal charges yeah 28 came from a fishing trip where the officer did not want to go to the car for my id and was attempting to give me a poaching ticket for not having my dl on me. What you failed to research is that all charges were droped i was granted a settlement from the police department and the officer was dismissed. As far as the filling a false police report yeah i did it. I went outside there was a body in the bushes and I called the police thinking that there was someone there dead. They came out and gave me a ticket for him not being deade. I should have faught that but did not have the time so I paid the fine. And as far as being an extra what the hell have you done with your life. What the hell do you think that you will be able to do with your life with an attitude such as yours. I will harrass anyone and everyone that I am upset with. Get bent. Them most amout of damage that has happened here is that you have found a way to let off steam and imbarrass yourself. And there is noting wrong with working at mcdonalds. I respect anyone that gets up and goes to work. There is no disrespect involved in worknig for a living. I once met a black man at a gas station somewhere in the mid west. I held the door for him and his friend as they walked up. The first black man said that I dont need you to hold the door for me, I said that it was ok and that I have been a door stop for most of my life. He yelled and screamed but I held the door and he went it. The second black man said after his friend went in that there is no shame in being a door stop but you should always be the best doorstop that you can. Be proud of who you are and what you do no matter what anyone else thinks of it. I wuould hope that that story helps you but I do not think that it will."
Reality is that his criminal record began early on in 1994 with the latest entry being 2011. It was true that included issues with fish and wildlife in the state of California but only three (3) citations. The other 42 entries spanned many years, included assault and battery(on a female and law enforcement), DUI, stalking (trespassing) and numerous other violations. In his dysfunctional mind however, his pride has him "manufacturing" a false reality in line with the hidden agenda that is delusional sociopathology. The author of the comment exposing his criminal and parasitic nature had stated that a job of any sort such as McDonalds should be sought by him instead of living off the tax payers. Notice how he attempted to turn around the communication in an ineffective attempt to take the position of superiority. That combined with his arrogance is classic sociopath behavior. He will never except that he is mentally ill, will never take accountability of his criminal nature, will always seek to attempt to manipulate everyone he comes in contact. He allowed this behavior destroy his marriage, led him to not be a father to his children and prevents him from maintaining gainful, meaningful employment.
A criminal living off of government assistance is the life he chooses because he refuses to see the issues in his life arose because of his choices and decisions to disregard boundaries- societal, legal, spiritual and moral. Always will his life difficulties be the cause of others and living with such a victims mentality leads one to victimize others and feel justified in doing so. Sad, sad life.. Numerous Mental hospital admissions was just another waste of public resources for he learned nothing to allow him to be a productive and honorable member of society.
Now about the "extra" comment in his response. He was raised in a military family that like most move around frequently. I expect it to be a lonely life. He told a girl in the mid to late 80's that he was moving because "he got a role a one of the Teen Age Mutant Ninja Turtles and was required to relocate for the film." This shows the extent of brain damage done through early exposure to alcohol but more importantly shows a genetic imbalance leading to pathological lying. In the comment leading to his quoted response, he was called out on that fact. He then proceeds to state that he was an "extra" in that film as he was in two other major films of that time. His claim was investigated further through actually contacting the production company responsible for extra staffing which revealed his claim to be dishonest (as expected and true to pathological lying and delusions of grandeur). Consistent with his mental disorder when the world was informed of his false claims, he lashed out in anger stating, "I answer to no one!!!" Funny how someone who lectured on pride and arrogance in his attempt to establish superiority regressed to juvenile arrogance when "light illuminated the dark corners In his life." All because he encountered someone who 1. Was by no means and in no shape or form afraid of him.... 2. Actually more intelligent than he believes himself to be. 3. Refused to allow his disregard for moral and ethical boundaries to impact his life negatively. A manipulative person is far less appealing and even appalling when they are exposed.