There are six pieces of
advice for any couple facing infidelity on how to make
your relationship work post-infidelity.
Here are three tips for
the betrayed spouse:
1. Understand the
reality of this affair. It
does make a difference if the wayward spouse had sex with another or not. If he/she didn't have sex
with the other man/woman, it is still infidelity.
If the wayward spouse
did have sex with him/her, that is really difficult to get over, but it can be done
if it isn't a behavioral pattern. The rule of thumb with affairs is this: if it
happens once, you can get over it. If it happens twice or more, it's a pattern,
and you can't get over it because it will happen again.
2. Make a decision
about the wayward spouse's character. If you
believe that the wayward spouse is fundamentally untrustworthy, move on. You will always feel
like you're settling and he/she will feel like she can never prove
herself.
However, if you believe that he/she made this one mistake, but
overall you know him/her to be a person of integrity and someone you can trust, then
embrace the person you know him/her to be. Set aside the mind-chatter about what he/she
did with this man/woman and return to your previous mindset of who he/she is — a person
you can trust and love.
Guard
your thoughts and feelings about him/her and never let yourself doubt him/her again.
Your love and trust will lift him/her up and she/he will shine.
3. Take responsibility
for your side of this. You
didn't cause the wayward spouse's behavior, but affairs are often a symptom of underlying issues
in the relationship that have not been addressed.
Look
hard in the mirror and ask yourself what, if anything, you may have done or not
done that contributed to him/her seeking intimacy with another. If you can work
on your side of the fence, it will only strengthen your relationship going
forward.
Now, here are three tips for
betraying spouse:
1. Fix the underlying
issue. First
stop ALL contact with the other after composing a letter to the other stating your intentions to stay exclusive to your spouse and detailing the hurt your actions have caused and how the relationship was a MISTAKE AND WILL NEVER BE and allowing your spouse to send via mail. Make a public apology and take responsibility and be
accountable. Now, your job is to assess what drove the behavior in the first
place. Some possible causes are emotional insecurity driving you to seek
constant adoration from another, lack of communication in your primary
relationship or serious doubts about your primary relationship that you didn't
want to confront.
Once
you identify the underlying issue, go to work on it diligently. Yes, it will
feel like the crisis is over, but don't be fooled. Changing negative
relationship patterns is hard work and takes persistence.
2. Don't expect
instant trust just because you've made amends. One
common mistake of those who cheat is apologizing once or twice and then
expecting it to be all okay again with their partners. Realize that his/her emotions
may lag behind yours.
The betrayed spouse may
have flashbacks from mental pictures and from reading or hearing words that should have belonged exclusively to them and feel the betrayal all over again.
Make room and space in your heart and emotions to comfort him/her when he/she feels that
way. New relationship experiences and intimacy should replace the bad images,
but that takes time.
3. Don't grovel
endlessly. This
will sound like a contradiction to my previous tip, but it's not. Eventually,
the offender has to stop apologizing. It's demeaning to you to grovel and beg
for forgiveness for months on end.
There
is a responsibility that your partner has to decide, forgive and move on. At
some point, if that isn't happening, you have to bring that to his attention,
firmly and lovingly.
Long-term, loving relationships take commitment and work. Post-affair, a
couple can forge a new connection that is far more honest and far healthier.
Most couples need help with this process, so if this
happens in your relationship, get professional guidance. Seek out and gain
support from people who will empower your journey to reunite in love and renewed
commitment.
Whichever side you are on, if you follow these steps you
are giving your relationship a fair chance at making it through this hard time
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